July 1st
Damn. How is it July already? I feel like it was just yesterday that it was December 1st and I was pretty damn ticked off at life.
That’s not to say that I have all sunshine and roses feelings towards life at the moment, but I’m definitely not ill at ease with any particular soul on this planet. Definitely a good place to be, really, in the grand scheme of things.
I should be sleeping, but I just can’t seem to nod off…so why not just pour thoughts onto page and into space and see if that helps?
So, I’ve been doing this thing on my Facebook now for the past 26 days (today will be day 27) called The Gratitude Project. I’ve decided that every day for 100 days I will post one thing I am grateful or thankful for. It’s just a small way I can get in the habit of being a more positive human being and maybe, just maybe, make myself a better person in the long run.
I’ve been trying really hard to become a more positive person. I’ve been trying hard to focus on the positive side to any situation. I’ve always said I’ve never regretted anything I’ve said or done because I know it has all helped me to become the person I am today, and that’s true. I just know that I want to always continue becoming a better me. I know I’ll never stop growing. I know I will just keep experiencing and learning and becoming more of the person I will be.
Sounds pretty damn hokey, I know. But in the past year I’ve really been trying hard to do just that. I’ve tattooed the Ohm symbol within a beautiful lotus flower that takes up the entire back of my neck and the middle of my upper back between my shoulders. I’ve read the book The Secret (yeah, I know it’s also hokey). I was in therapy from 09.09 until just a few months ago to work on myself and to finally start processing being the product of a household with an alcoholic and a codependent and how that has affected a lot of how I am in relationships and how I have historically handled certain situations.
I can honestly say that I’ve grown in leaps and bounds on several fronts in my life. I’m working hard to get the financial part totally under control and to remain ahead of the game. I would love to have someone in my life to share everything with, but as I’ve decided to no longer look for it or try to make it happen, that is all really up to chance.
I’m trying to be a physically healthier person as well. I rejoined a gym and have already gone to it more in the past two weeks than in the whole year I had the membership the last time. I’m eating a lot healthier and including much more fresh fruits and vegetables into my diet. I’ve been working on my culinary skills and am always trying to expand my food horizons.
I’ve been a lot more honest with myself about my sexual needs and appetites, and have promised myself I’m not going to settle for less than compatibility on that front in any future relationship I may have. I refuse to pretend I don’t watch porn from time to time or that I really like not being in control…even though I happen to have a pretty strong personality and can be quite aggressive when I want to be. Blame the Scorpio in me I guess.
I also know I’m not going to ignore my emotional needs anymore. I’m not going to put up with red flag behavior with people I may date. No more of this whole business of trying to ignore if someone I’m seeing is best friends with their ex and have daily interactions with them. I’m going to see it for what it is…two people that maybe grew apart sexually, but never severed the emotional cord and are simply clinging to what they know. Before anyone thinks I’m being unfair, I’m not. I just can’t fathom how people go from fucking and loving and living together to being just friends so seamlessly and easily. I fully believe it is healthy to sever ties for awhile and process what happened and ended. relationships *should* have a grieving process. I don’t trust it when someone says they can transition from sharing a bed and home with someone to just being friends. I sure as shit can’t. There are plenty of people I’ve dated I haven’t spoken to in years, and don’t ever plan on speaking to again. Maybe that makes me a bitch, but I know when people aren’t good or healthy for me in a relationship…or friendship. Don’t get me wrong, after enough time has passed, I’m open to giving a friendship a shot with certain people, and have friendships of a sort with people I’ve dated or slept with…but definitely nothing as symbiotic or close as I’ve seen many people have with exes. I’ve come out on the losing end every time I tried getting close to someone who was still closely linked with an ex, and I honestly don’t know anyone who hasn’t.
Maybe I have radical ideas about love and relationships…but I’m hedging my bets that somewhere out there someone else feels the same way about things as I do.
I’m putting my faith in the Universe. I’m projecting as much positivity as I can and I know that eventually Karma will pay off.
Naked 