Reflection

•December 31, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Yeah…I know. I’m an asshole for never updating.

It was hard to want to update when every day felt like a struggle and I felt like I couldn’t be myself. I still feel…as though I will be scrutinized for every word I write.

Life threw some pretty big boulders at me these past few…I’m not at all where I ever imagined I would be. I’m not at all who I even thought I could or would be. I’m not even certain I can even describe myself at this point.

Doors were closed. Doors were opened. Doorbells were never answered. Doors were firmly slammed shut. Doorways were vacated.

I’ve put in an enormous amount of work on myself these past couple years, and 2019 in particular I seemed to have evolved in leaps and bounds. I am leaving quite a few things behind this year, but I am taking and honoring the lessons learned into my future.

My dreams, hopes, and goals have never really changed…if anything they’ve been solidified.

Im on an unfamiliar path, and it’s scary as fuck, but I can honestly say it seems like I may finally be on MY path.

I’m seeing things in a totally new lights. I have rediscovered my resilience. Weight has been lifted (literally and figuratively) and it’s noticed by everyone around me.

A new journey starts with one step, and I know I may stumble and even fall, but I also know I will keep getting up and moving forward.

My story isn’t over; the best book of my life has started to be written.

Isn’t This Supposed To Be Hard?

•September 20, 2017 • Leave a Comment

So I’m 4 weeks into my second semester back at college…and it just seems all too easy. Isn’t this supposed to be hard? Isn’t that why I waited so fucking long to come back???

I mean, fuck, if I had known that as anything other than 17-year-old me college would feel easy, shit…

Where could I be now if I had gone back earlier? Would I be 35 and feeling like I don’t count in the business world?

Who would I be???

I mean, let’s be real, I fucked up my own shit at 17 and 18. I don’t think I matured really until I hit probably 30. So, I mean, I probably wouldn’t have taken school as seriously as I do now until this point in my life.

It’s kind of funny though…I’m writing papers in a half hour and getting A’s. I’m bored to tears in my math classes. I’m flying through all of the assignments and tests in my Computer Apps class.

My law classes are fun to me, while other people in my classes groan at every assignment – even though they are clearly posted on the syllabi – and complain that “there’s too much work!” I disagree. I don’t find it to be too much work at all. I take things as they come, and try to get ahead as much as I possibly can every day.

I actually like going to classes. I feel close to what I felt like prior to having a mini-meltdown in high school. (To be fair though, I was dealing with a lot of internal strife when that happened – wanting desperately to be liked by people, but feeling like I was dying inside by hiding who I really was, plus trying to come to grips with parental infidelities and clear signs of parental alcoholism…)

Being back in school and on a new career path…ultimately I feel relief. I am so thankful for this opportunity, and I can’t wait to finish up and find a new job that actually interests me and fulfills a sense of purpose in me working there.

I just thought school would be harder…

Hands Down

•May 19, 2017 • 1 Comment

Have you ever just felt like no matter what you do, say, think, or even feel, you’re just going to wind up making a mess of things and creating yet another epic failure?

Totally having one of those days.

The worst part is I started to cry earlier, and then I just couldn’t. Like I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me.

Correction…I know I feel like all my old familiar demons are back to mess with me, and they’re winning.

Hands up if you’ve ever felt like no matter what, you’re just not good enough. Keep them up if you feel like that no matter what people tell you. Keep them up if it rips you apart inside because you’ve felt that way for as long as you can remember.

OK. Hands Down.

The Fundamentals of Learning…3.5

•May 2, 2017 • Leave a Comment

So, it is official. I begin school again, FOR REAL, on June 5th. Holy fucking shit Batman. I am back in school. As an actual matriculated student. With a goddamn legitimate (heinous) student ID picture and everything.

My grandfather will find it amusing that I am going to school to become…a paralegal. Yeah, no shit! After years and years of pestering from my maternal grandparents, I’m actually, finally, pursuing a career in law. Granted, it’s not as a lawyer. Yet.

Thanks to my former employer’s incredible foresight to immediately lay us off and farm our jobs overseas as soon as the ink was dry from the buyout, I get to go back to school, full time, FOR FREE, because of this nifty thing called the Trade Agreement Act. So, that’s exactly what I’m going to do for the next two years.

I’m finally getting a degree! A real one! Not just a degree in sarcasm and Lego Architecture. (see, sarcasm…told you…)

Of course, I’m kind of terrified that I’m going to repeat the mistakes I made as a 17 and 18 year old, but I’ve been assured by many people that I’ve “got this”, and that for some oddball fucking reason, I’m a role model now to some of my former coworkers. Which…uhm…thanks? I mean, I appreciate the compliments and the votes of confidence, but if you all only knew how much I fear failure…I mean, I fear failure ALMOST as much as I fear rejection…and I fear that more than I fear death.

I graduated high school in 1999. I withdrew from college in 2000. I haven’t had to write a term paper or research essay in nearly 20 years. Somebody better call up Georgia Pacific, because I’m going to need to buy a cargo ship load of toilet paper for this wild ride!

“Alternative Facts”

•January 25, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Yep. I’m going there. You’ve been warned.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW?!?!?!

Every election cycle, roughly half the voting public are pissed off and feel screwed, but this is something else ENTIRELY.

I don’t know exactly how we got to this point, but considering the US is now an international laughing stock because of our new POTUS…I mean fuck! Facts aren’t facts if you don’t believe them? Lies aren’t lies if you believe them, they’re “alternative facts”? Ask any college student how using “alternative facts” affects their degree progression…

We have a pompous, egomaniacal, bloviating, thin-skinned toddler in the highest office in the land who has IMMEDIATE access to our nuclear arsenal and NO checks to stop him from launching at anyone who pisses him off on Twitter. What the actual fuck.

Even his own party is trying (unsuccessfully) to roll back on what he tweets and says. He forces people on his staff to completely obliterate any personal credibility by making them speak publicly on his behalf, repeating lie after lie, and if they aren’t fervent enough while doing so, he then throws a private tantrum in the Oval Office. (Multiple staffers have already confirmed this behavior, RE: Sean Spicer)

We aren’t even a full week into the new Administration, and shit has already gone topsy fucking turvy, forget sideways. I could post links to credible news articles about everything that has happened so far, but then my blog would be just a sea of blue and then purple hyperlinks.

Threats to the press that they will be denied any access to the White House if they continue to report unfavorably on POTUS or his “crowd size” (he is sooooo obsessed with fucking size…), to the point of REPEATEDLY stating and posting that certain news organizations are “fake news” and “failing”. I’m sorry bucko, but the only fake news that exists in your press corps is fucking Breitbart.

Issuing blanket gag orders on scientists in the EPA and at theĀ Department of Health and Human Services, as well as the NIH, among others.

Obsessing over supposed mass voter fraud during his election, insisting against all evidence and rationality that between 3 to 5 million illegal immigrants voted in November. That’s right. He won the election because of the Electoral College, but because his ego is bruised and he is so butt-hurt over the popular vote not going his way, because no SANE person wanted him elected, he absolutely cannot let this go. He wants an investigation…which if there was any possible way of it not being completely biased and fabricated to please him, I’d be all for. SOMEONE needs to look into the Russia connection…and fucking soon!

WikiLeaks is even going after him now because of his blatant lies about promising to release his taxes. Now his people insist that “nobody cares to see them”. Uhm, go fuck yourselves, because yes, we do.

He claims there is no money for the Affordable Care Act, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, SNAP, the arts, the environment, and a whole slew of other things that are actually GOOD for this country, but he says there is more than enough money for a ridiculous border wall that Mexico absolutely will NOT pay for. Even better is that it will just be a massive waste of time because that is NOT going to stop crime from happening in this country. Nor will banning Muslims and Syrians from immigrating here. NEWSFLASH: not all non-white people are evil, and point of fact, LOTS of white people ARE!!! Look in the fucking mirror!!!

There are also credible reports now that he is still using his unsecured Android phone because he refuses to give it up, AND his staffers are using private email addresses and a private RNC server that has ALREADY been hacked…

…and let us not forget that he is signing Executive Orders faster than most people go through toilet paper…

…but where are all the conservatives in an uproar about this? All I see and hear are crickets. Guess it’s OK when it’s a rich white man who’s going to make you richer while destroying this country and the planet.

Conservatives, your racism, misogyny, Islamophobia, homophobia, xenophobia and general douchebaggery are showing nice and clear. By not standing up to this, by letting shit slide because you want to benefit from something he’s going to do, you’re sounding the death knell for your political ideology, and possibly this country and the world.

Shame. On. YOU.

 

Daunted

•December 21, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I’m almost through week 8 of being unemployed and I just feel…(whip out the thesaurus kids, because I haveĀ ALL the feels)

I’ve attended mandatory and voluntary sessions at the Department of Labor, with plans to attend more (voluntary) just to try to maximize what I can out of what the state offers for me. I’ve been taking advantage of the program my former employer paid for for all of us upon the closing of our location. We even have been approved for Federal funding for additional money for training due to being displaced because of outsourcing, and I am definitely looking forward to being able to take advantage of that once we learn what kinds of programs we can go for…I’m just still very…meh.

I don’t know if this stems from my dislike of asking others for help, or my severe distaste for being treated like a child, (seriously, at a meeting I was at yesterday, they didn’t even let us have water at our seats for fear we would spill…) or my general hatred of having to slog through A, B, C, etc to the good stuff that is meaningful from O to Z.

I’ve been having an extremely difficult time concentrating on things that should be a cake walk to me…yet when my partner asks me to look at problems in her advanced textbooks, I find them easy and engaging. This is a HUGE problem. I shouldn’t be sitting here putzing around with a fucking remedial math class and English composition class just because I hate the way that the coursework is laid out and assumes everyone is an imbecile. Right?

I’ve known since the first day I signed up for this class I was going to have to do a research paper, and not only can I not pick a fucking topic that is easy to do that I am actually interested in, I just am completely unmotivated to even go to the library to do additional research. Meanwhile, if I were assigned to write a critical response about Elie Wiesel or even fucking Melville, I could knock out 15 pages in one night.

I don’t know why I changed. I used to not care about being vested in something. I used to not have to be interested to do well. Now I just feel resentful and fucking bored to tears. I struggle to stay focused…but let me read something I am interested in and I will blow through 3 250-400 page books in 24 hours and retain the information.

I know this is patently not normal. My attention span is just fucking shot. Maybe its all the years of dealing with completely vapid people in both a personal and professional capacity…I’ve just lost my competitive edge to feign interest anymore. Something has to change though if I have any hope of bettering myself and getting out there and climbing back up any sort of corporate ladder to make financial gains worth a damn again.

I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

Unto The Breach…Of Unemployment & Possibilities

•November 2, 2016 • Leave a Comment

So part of the reason I’ve been kind of quiet lately is that I’ve had some CRAZY things going on in my life. The biggest one being that the job that I have held for almost 6 years decided that under their new ownership, they would be closing all locations in my state. Our official last date of employment was yesterday, 11.01.16. My last day of work was 10.31.16.

Oddly, I am excited for the opportunities this may bring me. It’s hard to think about opportunities when you’re in a position that you don’t mind and you get paid incredibly well, with great benefits. The only things I am NOT excited for is the nonsense that has ensued by myself and my former coworkers when it comes to registering for Unemployment.

We had the DOL visit our office last month to get all of our paperwork and everything started, yet when we all logged onto the site today to begin our claims, we found nothing was actually created, and our claims are all being put on an 8 day hold while they confirm our employment and layoff statuses. So, can someone tell me why exactly we already filled out all of this paperwork???

My only saving grace right now is that even with the severance that we are receiving (and signed our lives away for) not coming for a few weeks, I’m good financially. I budget myself pretty well. Of course, if the severance payment gets stalled because the company has 600 of us trying to collect all at once and then something unforeseen happens with my Unemployment claim, I’m going to be experiencing some serious angst.

I’m definitely going to be taking a couple online pre-requisite classes to see how I fare with self-paced online learning, and then take it from there as far as pursuing a degree to better myself and my chances of landing another high-paying, high satisfaction job.

The future is wide open and I can’t wait to look back a year from now and compare where I am today and where I am then. One thing is for certain, I’ve learned so much and grown immensely these past almost 6 years, and I’m not about to stop! Nothing can hold me back but myself!!!