Naked

OK, I’m so a lover and not a fighter. I’ve walked away from countless tense situations. Some were ridiculously absurd and never should have happened in the first place. Like when someone wanted to beat the shit out of me because I bought their friend a drink and danced with her without their say-so. Literally a year later that person saw me on the street at Gay Pride in NYC and tried to start shit with me.

Things like that are a big reason why I slowly just stopped going out places. I’ve almost become a recluse (a lot is due to monetary reasons, don’t get me wrong…but a fair amount of it is also this too) over the past few years because I’ve developed a severe distaste for drama. I’ve had fists swung at me for talking to someone at the bar. Death threats for giving someone a playful push. Nasty emails and texts galore, and one frightening incident many years ago when an ex’s new fling came into my job and tried to go over the counter at me.

I’m not going to lie. I stirred up some shit in my younger days. I used to be a cocky S.O.B….but I outgrew that a long time ago. I have learned over the years that the less I socialize, the less bullshit I have to deal with. I burned some bridges. I kissed and told. I did a lot of stupid shit. But guess what? I’m going to be 30 soon. I know my life isn’t anything I thought it would be. I have really no friends when you break it down. I purge my virtual friends regularly. I gave up trying to meet new people online.

I guess if I’m honest I sort of gave up on having a life outside of working and paying bills.

I guess you could call me a coward…I probably deserve it. You could call me a lot worse and I probably deserve them as well. I just can’t stomach the thought that even though I have walked away from a lot of shitty situations (and people…don’t get me started on that list) over the years, certain things still hang over my head.

I’ve avoided Hartford spots for years because of my ex fiance and her ex wife, and now I’m avoiding them even more because of my most recent ex.

I even avoid New Haven spots now because I just don’t have a lot of friends and I’ve been concerned for years that that woman still wants to cave my face in.

People do stupid things when they drink. Some people realize it and own up to it (I can name a few one nighters I wouldn’t have had otherwise), but a shocking amount of people can’t shake off the buzz and go ‘My bad’. Instead a lot of people feel the need to back up drunken words and actions with further ridiculousness…and more alcohol.

Call me crazy, but if I never have another date in my life, but can avoid further needless drama, I’m perfectly fine with that. Let’s face it…I’m not that successful as a lover…I would be in a full body cast if I ever tried to fight.

~ by tatterednotes on July 21, 2011.

Posted in Life
Tags: alcohol, avoidance, bad decisions, bars, coward, drama, fighting, Hartford, lesbians, love, New Haven, one night stands, relationships, women