Naked

So I was chatting with a friend earlier today via Facebook (because no one actually seems to have face to face conversations anymore sadly) and we ended up on the topic of not finding any quality people to date.

Everything now is social media this, smart phone that, faster, faster, fastest!

Real interaction has fallen by the wayside.

I realize the irony that I am lamenting the social medialization of everyday life on what amounts to a social media outlet…but this blog is what actually started the proverbial ball rolling.

I remarked that I was oddly stoked that my previous post about the tragic events in Norway has received quite a few views and shares on Twitter. It was a definite dorkus maximus moment for me. Then I commented how I don’t feel I translate well via the internet…but mayhaps I actually do. For instance, I am not limited by the audience immediately around me when it comes to things I want to discuss. Often at work or in the rare social situation, I find myself surrounded by people who don’t want to talk about anything other than pop culture or their latest supposed sexual conquest or how wasted they can’t wait to get.

We (my friend and I) discussed (via Facebook, mind you) how neither of us feel like anything is organic anymore. Everything feels forced and digitized. No one meets anyone organically anymore…it’s all from dating websites. Both of us expressed how we wished we could meet someone just by doing something we like.

I shared the example of how I met my ex fiance many, many years ago. Granted, I was introduced to her through an ex, but we really did hit it off. We ended up having a 7 hour long conversation about Harry Potter and music and just life. That night ended in what was technically our first date when we ended up leaving the bar when it closed and went to a 24 hour diner for breakfast foods and more conversation. We shared our first kiss under a street light in Hartford. It’s actually a really happy memory, and she was one of the few women I dated that I met not from some sort of internet connection.

I get that I am probably a difficult woman to love. I have ideals and opinions that aren’t so popular in these times. I believe in fidelity. I believe in treating others how I would like to be treated. I believe in paying attention to what someone likes and just doing things without the expectation of reciprocation. I believe in a world where buying someone a coffee or drink doesn’t mean you’re trying to take them home and fuck them. I also believe in a world where buying someone a drink shouldn’t result in the threat of physical harm from someone who thinks you’re invading their turf. I don’t believe people are property. I do believe in propriety. In honesty. In candidness. I believe in being vulnerable because that act in itself is a sign of internal strength. I believe in crying if I feel like it. I believe in letting it all out and taking it all in.

I am a silent observer. I will remember something you tell me 5 years from now at exactly the right moment to make you smile and feel better. I give great hugs. I believe in the healing abilities of touch. I come from a very unemotional familial background with one parent who is an alcoholic and the other is a codependent enabler and also has a gambling problem. Both have seriously heavy smoking habits. I’m that 1/100th of 1% that bucks what is expected and I’ve never even held a cigarette, let alone smoked one.

I have very strong emotions when it comes to gambling, smoking, drinking and drugs. And no, I’m not some wanker tee-totaler…I imbibed probably more than my fair share in college (the semester and a half I actually went anyways). I had a lot of carefree sex, drank loads and loads of cheap vodka and even cheaper beer, smoked a lot of weed and tried a few harder drugs also. I developed an affinity for MDMA and actually became an E snob for a brief moment in time. Then I got deathly ill, withdrew from school and my plans for my life were forever altered.

I have been through 2 very real cancer scares. I have chronic Lyme Disease that is thankfully in remission. That went undetected for so long that I have irreversible joint and nerve damage and now am a sufferer of the very embarrassing condition of Hyperhidrosis.  I also suffer from Pernicious Anemia and have been on birth control for medical reasons since I was 17. Yet I actually consider myself both lucky and healthy. I may not have the best teeth or eyesight, but I’m not some horrible troll monster either.

I am damaged in the way that an old leather volume shows wear. It builds character. Makes you want to dig deeper and read more than that first paragraph.

This is my wish in life; that someone will take the time to do more than look at the cover and scan the dust jacket. That someone will rifle through my pages and be intrigued enough to want to read me cover to cover…the good, the bad, the down right astonishing…and make their own notations in my margins.

Will this happen organically? Who knows, but I hold hope in my heart that this will happen. Someday my great romance will be written, each day better than the one before.

~ by tatterednotes on July 28, 2011.

Posted in Life
Tags: alcohol, alcoholism, beer, breakfast, character, college, conversation, dating, diner, drugs, Facebook, family, gambling, Harry Potter, Hartford, hope, Hyperhidrosis, internet, kissing, life, love, Lyme Disease, MDMA, music, Norway, organic, Pernicious Anemia, relationships, romance, sex, smoking, social media, Twitter, vodka, WordPress