Mad World
So I guess my mom’s stint in Atlanta with the guy she met online was a bust. She sent me a card saying she was coming back to CT. So far she hasn’t asked my dad to let her move back in, and I’m not sure if she did what he would say. She had nothing left here as far as things. My dad had me sell her car, and I donated all of the clothes and shoes she left behind to the GoodWill. She apparently knows all of this. She definitely knows about the car situation.
She feels like she made a mistake and she wants another chance with my dad…which…I just don’t know.
They are not good for each other. The lying, cheating, deceit, betrayal…just every little thing about their marriage to me has always felt bad. Like a farce of a marriage. I get that they originally got married because she got pregnant. Kudos to them for staying together through the miscarriage and for deciding to try to have kids. I wouldn’t be here without that.
I’m just astonished that with all that I’ve learned about both of my parents throughout my life and especially the last year, that all of this has gone down. Never in a million years did I think my mom would have the gumption to leave my dad. I was blown away that she threw away her family connections to pick up and move to Atlanta for a man she met online. I’m even more blown away with the way that she did it. I always thought I had such a good relationship with my mom. A far better one than with my dad anyway. I guess I just never thought she would lie to me like this. Yes, it’s my parent’s life, but even though I’m turning 30 in a week, what they do still has an effect on me.
I’ve chosen not to respond to my mom’s missive. Maybe that’s childish to some, but I know how quickly it would turn into her trying to blame me for things. That’s how she operates. That’s how both of them operate. Neither one knows how to apologize or admit that they were wrong. They always look to shovel the blame off on someone else.
For far too many years I shouldered a lot of everything from the two of them.
Who would have thought six months ago even that I would be here in this position. I’m sharing an apartment with my dad, and it’s not that bad beyond having to take control of the bills to make sure they get paid on time and having him eat my food (nothing new there really) and getting on him to look for a job. He needs my help with the bills, and I haven’t gotten promoted yet and don’t yet make enough money yet to get another place on my own again, so I’m making it work. He stays out of my business and doesn’t question if I’m not home right after work. I haven’t had a chat with him about bringing someone over if I end up seeing someone while I’m still here, but I’m tentatively hopeful he would be ok with that as well.
He knows how blown away I was that my mom lied to me so badly. He knows that I was used to that from him, and it completely blind-sided me. He also has really tried to not fall into his old habits, and the one time he got drunk, he didn’t come home until he knew 100% I was asleep. I have to give him credit for that.
Things could be a lot worse, and I know it. I am thankful for what I do have. I miss my mom, but at the same point, she did this, not me.
I am grateful for so much in my life. There are things and people I still want for my future, but I’m not foolish enough to get so focused on who and what I don’t have. I know the best way to achieve everything is to stay positive and be thankful each and every day for what I have now.
Someday I’ll have a warm home of my own, shared with a wonderful, loving partner, and we’ll have this wonderful friendship, partnership and sexy/steamy/erotic as hell private life. Being smart and witty and decently good-looking will be seen as assets, and I won’t be underestimated because I have a baby face or tattoos or can come across a tad aloof because I’m sometimes quietly observant.
No one should underestimate anyone. Life and people are full of surprises. I know people are constantly surprised and somewhat challenged by things I say and ideas or feelings I express. One only needs to look back through previous posts, and I’m fairly certain at least one thing might be a little shocking.
There is a week until my 30th birthday. While it’s likely to pass with little recognition and zero fanfare, it is a milestone of sorts. I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot in my 20s. Angered some people and was left heartbroken by more. Fell flat on my face, got back up to my knees and got knocked down again.
But I’ve never given up. I will never give up. I know in my heart life does not have to be such a struggle to find the good in it.
I have faith that the good will find me.
I have hope it will be soon.
Naked 
Good for you for having faith in yourself and aspiring to have standards to do and be better than where you have been and are now – a REALization most people seem to ignore (unless it’s for money or material, like idol-worshiping slaves).
Do you write poetry or lyrics, read psalms? Psalms have been powerful and connecting for me – many of the struggles and challenges we endure and are confronted by are voiced here.