Push & Pull
Sometimes I feel like I must be one of the most boring people alive…I feel like I live a small life. But then I have this rich, vivd imagination and it pulls at me, almost daring me to make my real life that bold…that daring…and say fuck it to all else.
You’d have thought having a fucking carcinoma removed would’ve kick-started me into a different direction…and I sort of did, in a very typically me fashion. I jumped into a huge tattoo from hip to knee about my love of food – and then I find out I have to change my whole diet for at least six months to try and quell my constant loss of voice. Yeah, very me. I take a step forward, then something crops up to try and force me twelve steps back.
I recently gave in to my curiousity about firing a weapon. A coworker took me to the range and let me fire seven of his weapons. Apparently, I’m a natural shot, and I fell in love with firing his bolt-action .22 rifle. So much so that once my current medical bills are paid off, I’m planning on buying my own rifle and scope and hitting the range to hone my newfound skill. So now when people ask what I’m good at, I can be semi-serious when I say ‘Hitting the bullseye over and over from at least 100 feet!’.
I also just started a promotion at my job that actually pays more than the job I lost in the fall of 2010…in a little over a year I’ve bounced back with my income, and it has been based solely on my performance and my grey matter. You’d think that would be an acheivement worth celebrating, but while I was happy about it, I still got a lot of push-back from people because I still don’t have a college degree. One step forward, something trying to push me 12 steps back.
Now that I’ve been at this company for almost a year, more questions are being raised about my personal life. So far I haven’t perceived any issues about my identifying as a lesbian…but I’ve had a lot of questions about why I don’t talk about a partner or hanging out with friends or my home life in general. Nothing like being put on the spot about lackluster areas of your life! I just respond with that I’ve been single for a long time (my last serious, long-term relationship ended five years ago), and while I’ve seen people here and there, I just haven’t met the right person yet. I try to avoid talking about how I’m 30 and live with my unemployed father or the fact that I’m just not into the typical scenes around here that I could potentially meet someone in. I’m just not the party type. I can’t really dance – even though I love dance and house music. I was never a very big drinker – the amount I did put away sometimes when I would go to a club scared me -and now I can’t have a drop of alcohol again until at least July. I don’t play sports. I’m just not the jock type – although I fucking love athletic women. I’m not super activisty. I support various efforts, but I haven’t yet been inspired to go picket or protest for any reason. To sum it up, I feel like I’m a terribly boring homosexual.
And forget online dating. I officially gave that up a year ago. It just never worked well for me. I would be really honest because that’s who I am, and I would give others the benefit of the doubt that they too were being as honest, and I was just always seriously disappointed. Everytime someone suggests I try online dating, I just want to scream.
Others have suggested that I come to an arrangement with someone strictly for casual sex since I am not meeting anyone to have a romance or relationship with. While I’m not bothered by that suggestion, and I’ve certainly had my share of that kind of dalliance in the last 15 years, I’m just not sure that’s the path I want or need to go down…let alone knowing where I could seek such an arrangement or how to negotiate one. I’m just horribly awkward when it comes to these things. I’ve never been good about talking about my sexual needs. Ever. I mean, I would love to just put it out there that I’m an in the middle (butch/femme-wise) woman with a strong personality who can get appropriately aggressive, but who just really wants to be fucked good and long by someone who knows what they’re doing with hands and mouth and detachable appendages and who loves a woman that can female ejaculate often and a lot…but that’s rather difficult and cumbersome to try to explain.
Besides, I haven’t been kissed in well over a year, let alone anything else…baby steps. Though I have to admit I sometimes wonder and doubt if I will ever be kissed again. The longer I go without even seeing someone I’m attracted to, the more it seems that part of my life is just doomed. Its something I need to come to terms with fully. I mean, I’m obviously ok being alone. I’m not depressed or anything of the sort. I do things that I enjoy, and I’ve learned to go to the movies or out to eat alone…that doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve just always seen myself as the marrying type, and I know how much more I come alive when I have someone I care about in that way. I also know I tend to invest way more of myself into a relationship and another person quicker than anyone I know. I’m very much an all or nothing person when it comes to that side of life. I’m very intense. I feel intensely. I’m very passionate about expressing my feelings. I am a fierce and loyal lover…but I am quick to sniff out betrayals and I react just as strongly. I have strong opinions about certain things and I know what I don’t like. I don’t mix well with people who want to change me. I feel like I’m very honest and up front about who I am, and I hate feeling like people just assume that they can change innate parts of me to make me more to their liking for a relationship. I’m never going to be the butch breadwinner, and I feel like that’s where a lot of people (friends and lovers) have tried to categorize me in their minds.
Maybe that’s a big reason why I just don’t have many people I physically do things with anymore. Its not that I’m anti-social…believe me, I’m a very sociable person…but more I’m just weary of having to try to be the person other people expect me to be. I don’t have anyone in my life I can just sit next to and say things I’m thinking. Everytime I think I do, I let loose an opinion or thought and then get strange looks or other negative reactions, and I know not to go there anymore.
I don’t think I’m that different or radical of a person. I know there are plenty of other people out there like me…I just don’t know where they are.
Naked 