What The Hell
I really don’t know what my fucking deal is. I mean, really. How long have I been saying I want to be in a healthy relationship that’s based on an actual friendship and not just sex. I want to be a part of something that lasts longer than a couple of weeks or months. I want to be with someone who has their shit together.
Well, there’s now someone interested in me that probably would qualify for all of those, and I know she’s interested and I don’t know how I feel yet. She’s already told me she has feelings for me, and I feel like a douchebag because I don’t know if I do or not. We’ve hung out 4 times in 5 weeks. Its not like the interactions are uncomfortable or anything…but nothing physical has happened and I’m pretty sure she really wants something to happen – I just don’t know that I’m there.
The crazy part is we’ve had conversations that lead me to believe that if the passion were to be there, she would probably be really good for me as far as the physical goes. But so far, there hasn’t been any instant physical attraction on my part.
I’ve been thinking maybe its because once upon her time I used to be her boss and I put her in a separate part of my brain because of that, and never found her attractive when I was. I’m so used to just relying on instant twinges to guide me on things, but let’s face it – everytime I’ve been instantly attracted to someone it hasn’t been good for me.
Maybe I’m only attracted to trouble? Because let me tell you, I’ve definitely had sex with and/or dated people less in shape or attractive than she is. Maybe I’ve just shut off that part of myself for so long now I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m also trying really hard to keep this neutral just in case nothing happens, because I could really use more friends.
Maybe I’m just afraid of the consequences if I try this and it blows up. I’ve been there before where I’ve kissed someone and there just wasn’t any spark…and sometimes you just don’t know until you try it…but then its too late to not have things be really fucking awkward.
I’m sure last night was really awkward. I’m pretty sure she wanted a kiss to happen. I’m pretty sure everyone who has the inclination to even have an opinion would say I should have done so…but I didn’t. It just didn’t flow into me that it was a good time to try to see if it would tell me more about how I feel.
I mean, I had a couple thoughts of resting my head on her lap while we watched a movie and chatted, but I quickly pushed those aside, because that was just a giant leap, and probably really inappropriate.
I’m really not good with situations where someone is outwardly interested in me. No one has been interested in me first in a really long time. I feel like the vast majority of my intimate interactions have been me convincing the other person to give me a chance. Not that I’m saying I enjoy chasing after someone or playing games…because I don’t. And I’m afraid that it seems like I’m playing a game right now.
I’m not trying to. I’m trying to figure this shit out.
I’m so fucking out of practice with all of this. I spent so much time thinking about what I want in a potential partner that now I’m just useless with actual one on one interaction. I feel like I owe it to her and the universe for being interested in me…but at the same time I know how much it fucking sucks to get hurt, and I’m loathe to potentially hurt someone else.
And I’m loathe to put myself into something where I don’t know if I’ll get what I need.
Naked 