My Heart Skips A Beat
So…more of my exes and friends (and other people I randomly know) either have recently gotten married or are going to soon. Those of them that are already married, lots of them are having kids.
I really made a giant fuck-up of my life the past 12 years or so. Too many poor decisions. Too much trying to gain the love of others who wanted to just change me. Too much putting my all into everything and everyone else I possibly could.
I feel sometimes like I’m in a broken down jalopy on the side of a dusty west Texas country road, and no one sees me as they fly by.
People at work who’ve been miserable about love and sex and relationships for a long time suddenly are dating people or at least making out and having sex…
…and then there’s me. With my ridiculous lesbian fiction full of handsome, strong, romantic women who sweep their lovers completely off of their feet and ask questions later. Reading these books stirs things within my heart – makes me realize I’m not completely lost inside.
Thing is though…I don’t know how to translate my hopefulness into practical usage.
I joked last night with a friend that I’m chickenshit now. Chickenshit for two reasons. I’m afraid I wont feel ANYTHING if I sleep with or kiss someone…and conversely I’m afraid I will feel all too much.
There’s someone who is somewhat interested in me…thinks me attractive even…but I just have no idea what to do. I’ve gotten so used to being in this holding pattern when it comes to my personal life for so long I just can’t seem to act. Cue the aforementioned chickenshitness.
We’ve hung out. We have a bunch in common but lead our own lives for sure. Our vastly different schedules have the built-in buffer of not affording the ability to do that whole cliched lesbian merger thing – we would be lucky at this point to go on one date a week. We flirt outrageously via texts. We both seem willing to do nice things for one another without being asked…yet I’m still not sure if the things that have been locked away within will emerge without causing havoc. I’m still sort of struggling with the fact that I used to be her boss, and we seem to have different ideas about stability and where each of us individually sees ourselves being even 6 months from now.
Part of me feels that right there is enough of a reason to not test it. I know I’m not in any position financially, career-wise, or location-wise to want to even hint at the idea of picking up and moving everything out boredom. A big part of me would hate to stifle someone else because I’m not really able to just pick up my life and go somewhere else.
Maybe I crave stability too much.
Part of me feels like I owe it to myself to give it a go and just hope she understands my deep-water Scorpio self, and know that while I do not wish to change anyone, I can’t do the whole self-sacrifice and jump when a lover says how high.
I don’t even know if we’d be good as lovers. I don’t know anything.
I know that I still have this idea in my head of what love and romance should be…and I know that I’m not sure if I could discern the signs or not.
Friends have told me to get drunk and ‘get it in’ and get back in the saddle…I’m unsure about that too. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want to get hurt. I never want to hurt anyone…and when it’s happened, I’ve felt like the biggest asshole alive.
Maybe I’ve just read too many books, and I just want to be wooed and feel my heart skip a beat when the phone rings in anticipation of someone’s call. I’ve felt that before…I’ve felt it and felt the earth-shattering pain of it not being a mutual feeling.
I think too much now. A few years ago I wouldn’t have hesitated to jump at someone who showed interest. Or maybe I’ve just grown…but nothing makes falling asleep and waking up alone any easier. I feel isolated by my needs and desires and my unwillingness to compromise anymore when it comes to being happy.
I just want someone to make me feel special and to grow with on the mutual path to happiness and fulfillment…but does anyone out there see things the way I do or have the same needs and desires for life anymore?
It’s been another long night of internal dialogue…I should really try to rest my weary head and get some sleep.
Naked 