Feel It In My Bones
Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m full of myself. Maybe I’m ridiculous. I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I’m sure others would disagree.
Maybe I’m just not meant to date again. Maybe not yet…maybe not ever.
What I do know is this; I need to be attracted and intrigued by someone on multiple levels for anything to happen. I need to be intellectually stimulated, physically attracted, and I need to feel an emotional pull. Feel it in my bones.
It seems as though these three things are so much harder to stumble into now that I have been alone and isolated for so long. Maybe this is a good thing…a blessing in disguise…because everyone who knows me can attest that I let myself get involved with too many horribly wrong people; and often simply just because they displayed an interest in me.
My, how the times have changed.
I guess I finally grew up. Or just got fed up with wasting my time and energy on people who didn’t matter after a few weeks or maybe a couple of months. I feel the need now to take things slow and see what develops. No more running around like an idiot trying to impress someone or trying to make them see I’m damn loveable. Nope. I want to take a more laid back approach…which means establishing a friendship first if possible.
If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past 15 years of dating women, it’s that I can’t always rely upon my first impression of someone. Yes, sometimes my gut instinct within the first 5 minutes is dead on, but I’ve also been proven wrong. I’ve started out not finding someone physically attractive at all, and then later on decide to give it a chance, and a kiss has just awakened the attraction in me. Of course, the opposite has also happened, where I’ve found someone attractive and then they open their mouths and are as dumb as rocks and I lose interest faster than the Titanic sank.
Point being, I’ve been making strides with being less and less judgemental right out of the gate. Sometimes my first impressions have held, sometimes they haven’t. I really hope others will give me that chance moving forward as well…for as much as I feel bad about shooting someone down the other night, I know I gave them and the situation every possible chance to develop beyond my initial thoughts 7 weeks ago…and I feel good about knowing I was honest and forthcoming every step along the way.
Now I’m just left wondering if maybe I’m just emotionally shut down completely, or if this stretch of time alone has just left me both wary of others and very particular. And well, I suppose another year and a half of celibacy and spending the nights alone won’t kill me.
Naked 