Conspiracy
My subconscious and heart are conspiring to make it impossible to feel anything positive about this past week. Everytime I close my eyes, they conjure up images that just serve to create more feelings of loneliness and just disappointment.
Waking from sleep alone when just before you stirred you know there were loving arms around you, or being snapped out a brief moment’s daydream where you would swear you just heard someone’s voice…only to have reality slap you in the face and squeeze your heart just a little further.
Horoscopes that say to never fear, someone special is on the way, just indulge in activities where I feel creative…well, the only thing I’m creative with – besides being demonstrative about caring for someone – is my writing. I’m not even sure that counts since I mostly utilize a stream of consciousness style.
I mean, sure, I’ve written ficticious snippets here and there over the years, and clearly I have a very active imagination that my subconscious loves to torture me with, but I’m not really sure how that translates into anything more than getting it all out into one of my journals. (I have paper journals as well as this public blog)
The only good to have come out of this past week is that the stress and emotional exhaustion made me more susceptable to getting a stomach bug that was ripping through work, so now I’ve gotten sick for my usual one time per year out of the way and I lost a couple of pounds, so putting on pants that are suddenly way loose felt good for a minute – even though I know I’ll put that weight right back on.
I lied. The other good thing to come from this week is seeing how many people actually noticed and cared something happened and wasn’t right with me.
Oh, and I went and spent the money finally on a new mattress and linens. I was going to buy myself some jewelry – since I will always end up buying myself the things I would freely give to others – but I decided to be more mature, practical and responsible and invest in my future unconscious comfort and happiness.
Ahh, the joys of being an adult with (most) of your shit together!
The only bad things is the new mattress is both bigger and more comfortable than my old one, so I think it’s lending to the tricks being played on me by my dreams.
Naked 