As Tall As Lions
“If love comes your way, don’t be afraid…unlock the box your heart’s encased. Hope it won’t change, beware of the games…”
The opening refrains of one of the saddest, yet hopeful songs I’ve grown fond of over the years. Everyone interprets music and lyrics differently, I know…and everyone is entitled to their own opinion as well.
I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going in my life at the moment. I’m staying strong in my resolve about severing people from my life when I’ve been hurt too much or pushed past a certain point…but at the same time there are parts of me that want certain of those people to stop trying to convince with words and prove with actions…
Likely a completely moot point. Especially when I had no idea where I stood with someone before, let alone how they might feel about me now. Maybe I’m stubborn beyond what is wise, but it’s what feels the healthiest for me…I just don’t know what to make of the picture I was sent. Was it a ploy to get me to respond? Was it a hint that I’m still very much on her mind in more than a passing fancy? Was it a symbolic way to say she cares?
I don’t know. I can’t decipher if the repeated attempts at contact are a game or not. Still no apologies, still no face to face. I’ve chosen to continue to ignore text missives, as they are just a harsh reminder of how little I mattered when it came to her decision to end everything with a 2:00am text message. A text message that left me completely at a loss. A text message that caused me to believe that once again, while I was putting my all into developing something with someone and had real feelings for her, there were no mutual feelings.
To the point where it drives me slightly insane with sadness that I very well may continue to stumble through life just waiting for that one woman who does something so simple like bringing
me coffee at work or waiting at my car at midnight with flowers that will probably blow me away. Blow me away to the point that I would likely decide to marry that woman.
I guess all my adult life I’ve been waiting for the one woman I try to date that displays small, simple, outward signs of affection. That one woman who says fuck the world, I’m in love with you and I want everyone to know it. The one woman who sees me exactly as I am and knows deeper than her bones that I’m worth every risk imaginable to love and be loved by.
“Maybe I’m just tired…of never really knowing”
I am. I’m tired of never really knowing what I mean to anyone in this life. Maybe I’ll never really know.
Naked 
I know how you feel, believe me. Sometimes it feels like Cupid hates me or something because my love life is like a Greek tragedy. However, I still have to believe there’s someone out there for me I haven’t met yet. I once read every person doesn’t just have one soul mate, but perhaps hundreds in the world. With that in mind, I find it impossible to believe there is no one for me and you out there. We just haven’t found them yet. We’re still in the middle of the movie of our lives, but we’re getting to the happy ending. Just have faith in that. I hope that helps reassure you somewhat, at least.
I know I’m amazing. I do. I’m just sick of never knowing where I’ve stood or stand with anyone. I’m so honest about how I feel…I just wish others were the same.
I will never stop hoping that someday someone is going to realize what they’ve got in their life and instead of running away, they embrace it and act accordingly.
I guess I just want someone to do the things I would do no questions asked…without me having to spell it out. I want someone to love me. Honestly and completely.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask from someone. Who knows? To me, it seems like a simple thing everyone is entitled to. Anyway, you’ll get there in time. One day, you’ll look back on this wondering why you were so worried.
Yeah, you’re probably right…I just feel like I’ve been waiting so long for the simplest things…oh well. Who know what tomorrow brings, right?
I feel the same way again, but I agree. The hope of a better tomorrow allows us to deal with today.