These Are The Days…
Last night was a bad night…I just couldn’t help the self doubt that came over me like a chokehold. I couldn’t stop it. And I tried. I tried breathing slowly and thinking positive thoughts…didn’t work.
I’m having a minor crisis of faith I guess. Just couldn’t get the thoughts out of my mind that I must have done something so terrible when I was younger that now that I’m older and have a good head on my shoulders, I’m just not going to be loved. A really terrifying thought for me.
I’ve always known that I am a much better person when I’m in a relationship and I care about someone. This is not to say that I’m not a great person single…I am. I just come alive in ways I don’t when I’m alone. Having someone care about you and you caring about someone else always brings out the very best in you. It’s like the happiness I feel just elevates my heart and soul to this whole other plane where nothing can bring me down.
Except for when I’m left hanging with no explanation and no recourse.
I’ve been single now again longer than my last “relationship”, yet even though I would like to try to commingle and maybe date someone, I just am filled with the doubt that anyone will see me or deem me worth even speaking to, let alone take a risk on. It’s a hard feeling to shake when virtually everyone you’ve ever cared for has abandoned you and leaves you wondering if they ever really cared at all.
So I don’t know. I hope this self doubt fades, because I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I know I could be the best thing to ever happen to someone.
I just don’t known how to make anyone see me.
Naked 