Lost In Confusion
So I caved. I responded to a text. She wants to return the stuff of mine she borrowed and “talk”. Face to face is what I wanted…and apparently now I’m going to get it. I just don’t know how I’m going to feel or react to the meet up.
A really big part of me wants to be able to play it off all calm, cool, and collected…but I’m pretty sure I will probably end up crying. A lot.
I hate feeling so unsettled. I hate that I was falling in love with her and as soon as that month mark hit, once again I was abandoned. I hate all of it.
I hate that part of me still wants to fall in love with her even though she accused me of something I didn’t do, and that hurt me deeply.
I have no idea what she’s done since she dumped me. She could already be with someone else for all I know. It wouldn’t be the first time someone told me they couldn’t be in a relationship, only to turn right around and fall into someone else’s bed or be dating an ex or someone new.
I guess I’m just hoping that I get answers. Why did she run? Why didn’t she care about me? Why wasn’t I worth taking a risk for?
I really hope there’s someone out there who is going to want to be with me, make no secret of wanting to be with me, and who is going to erase the pain and doubt I have from so many people tossing me aside like a used tissue after a month.
I know I’m intense. I know I have high personal standards. I know I’m not the most attractive or the richest person…but damn it I have a HUGE heart with a lot of love to give.
Naked 
For the record, I think you’re attractive. Besides, that’s not what it’s about. Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re worthy of love is how you get it. Realize it’s HER loss, not yours. Self-doubt is understandable in this situation, but like I said, realize what you are worth, independent of shallow external things. They don’t mean anything anyway. A person’s character and personality is a lot more valuable in my mind. Good luck with getting those answers.
I know you’re right. I’m just so tired of never knowing where I’ve stood with anyone. I feel like I’m always the last to know, good or bad. I mean, you’ve known me for a long time now and you’ve heard my side of way more than my fair share of getting dumped…I don’t know. Maybe I want too much from life. I mean, my professional life is finally aces…maybe I never should have dared to try to have a love life again.
I just fucking want someone to care about me and want to be with me half as much as I’ve put myself into all of these failed attempts.
I would hate to be alone for the rest of my life, but sometimes I feel like I would be better off never letting myself open up to someone else romantically. It’s never been appreciated anyway.