End of the year…
Well, 2014 is finally drawing to a rather inglorious close. Another year older. Another year I feel like I should be wiser, but of course, that remains to be seen.
I’ve been reflecting a metric fuck ton the past 6 weeks. My entire world has been rocked, and everything I thought I knew is now challenged. I’m leaving this year with so many questions, and very few answers. I’m trying my hardest to leave as much of this pain as possible in 2014 and not carry it with me in 2015, but that is going to be an extremely difficult feat.
The dreams are telling, of course. Me putting myself in harms way for her. Taking on a gang of thugs so she can escape. Taking bullets for her even in one. Then there are the dreams where nothing changed and I’m waking up next to her and we’re married. The best – and this is oh so typically me – are the ones where she shows up at my job or home and tells me she made a huge mistake and she was just terrified of the future and asks if I can ever forgive her.
That one is actually probably the worst. Mostly because that right there is something I’ve always dreamt of. Someone I’m in a relationship just showing up unannounced and professing their love to me. No gifts needed. Just that one act. Tells you a lot about the kind of person I am I guess.
I would rather my partner do the dishes or clean the litter boxes or do laundry or cook me a meal from the heart because she knows I would appreciate it than have a present. I long for a partner who does the small shit without being asked because she wants to. Because she loves me and wants to make things easier. I have no problem doing all of the shopping and keeping track of finances and paying the bills on time and cooking 90% of the time or bringing her home flowers for no reason or getting her jewelry or a sweater…whatever would make her happy. I just really want someone who gets me and understands that sometimes I need help (even though I have a massively hard time asking for it) and they are willing to do things for me and for us without question. Don’t get me wrong, I love the gifts I’ve been given by people over the years, but the memories that I cherish the most are when someone has made me a meal or drawn me a bath just because.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately as well as reflecting, and the biggest thing I’ve realized and have taken away from all of this pain and misery thus far is that I need to accept that I am not as strong as everyone else thinks I am, and that I need to ask for and receive help sometimes. I can’t do this alone anymore. Keeping everything inside was slowly killing me via this giant stress monster I had become. My health has already suffered in tangible ways, and I have to do everything in my power to stop my negative behavior and be more open about my vulnerabilities.
Even just typing that made my stomach churn. It’s that fucking hard for me to admit I need help sometimes. I’m so used to being the one everyone comes to and looks to as being the rock of strength, that it’s almost a shameful thing for me to put into words that I’m not as strong as people want me to be.
I have so much to work on in 2015. I know it’s going to be a long process and I have to take baby steps, but I still have hope. Somehow I haven’t yet given up on my childhood dreams of being married to a wonderful woman, and living in a warm home with a handful of pets. If I’ve had this dream since I was very little, surely there is still a small chance that it may eventually come true for me, right?
In the meantime I just have to keep working towards smaller goals towards other pieces of happiness. Cut way back on indiscriminate spending. Save as much money as possible. Move. Either repair my current car or get a new one. Maybe even go on a solo vacation.
I’ve already taken the first steps in stabilizing my career and ensuring my continued success by starting the process of (finally) getting IT certifications in lieu of a degree. It definitely is not going to be easy, but nothing worth it ever is.
So, 2015, please be kind. At least understand that I am rebuilding my life again and try to see it in your heart to not fuck me over too hard this year? This is my only wish for the coming year.
Naked 