Naked

So 2015 has been kicking my ass all over the place so far. Bronchitis that is not getting better…to the point where I am legitimately concerned I may have walking pneumonia (it wouldn’t be the first time if this ends up being the case) and now I have extra added pressure due to my job requiring that I submit an FMLA form for being out sick 4 consecutive days, even though I have the sick time. So basically even though I have the time, it is entirely possible I can be in trouble for taking time off from work because I am sick. Definitely not another setback that I want or need right now.

To give you an idea of how bad my coughing is after finishing a 5 day course of antibiotics and steroids, plus still using an inhaler and prescription cough syrup, today I went to make myself some toast and I started coughing so hard that I dropped and broke the plate that was in my hand. The cough syrup they gave me helps for maybe 2 hours after I take it, but it makes my heart palpitations even worse than they already were. Coupled with everything else that I’ve been feeling emotionally, I’ve been having an incredibly difficult time.

They say you know you’re over someone when you can see their picture without having a reaction…yeah, well, that’s not happening for a very long time. To make things easier on myself since she had already blocked me on most social media, I blocked her on the rest, and then because it was way too hard for me to see pictures of the two of us on my profiles and accounts, I deleted them all. I made sure each and every one was saved to my phone, my iPad, or one of my computers, but they aren’t there for me to see every time I log on, or for other people to be able to continue to comment on – because apparently commenting on pictures that were a year plus old is a thing now. Unfortunately, they are still there for me to see. Not only digitally, but there are a few physical pictures I have of the two of us.

Everything I have physically that either she made me, gave me, or I was keeping because it reminded me of us (I was eventually going to make a scrapbook) are all currently living in the top drawer of my dresser. Her drawer.

I know what you’re all probably thinking…stop being sad and pathetic and throw everything away…but I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t trash the (overwhelmingly) good memories. I’m sure she no longer feels the same way, but I’m still in the mode where I feel she is my soulmate. She is the one. I know, I know…how can I possibly think that when she clearly wants nothing to do with me and I clearly didn’t make her happy to begin with? I don’t know. I don’t have a list of reasons.

I stopped doing a lot of things before. I lost my way. I completely lost my confidence and mojo. I got extremely stressed trying to make all the right decisions for a future together. I got beyond burned out at work. I got fucking lazy. I got scared. I got embarrassed. I felt incredibly misunderstood. I had a ridiculously hard time articulating anything I was thinking or feeling. Basically, in a nutshell, I blew it.

I am struggling every day right now to right the ship…but I feel like I haven’t yet made it through all of the squalls. I’m not sure why, but life is really testing me right now, on all fronts. I just hope I make it through to the other side a better person than I am right now.

I’m making small steps that I think will bring me in a positive direction. I’ve picked up some new cookbooks…I’m actually excited to try some new recipes and cook for myself again and have great food experiences rather than just eat to survive like I’ve been doing. One of the other major steps was bringing this blog back from the dead. I tend to work things out by writing them down and getting them out there. I may not be the prettiest writer, but I’m 100% real in what I say.

I’ve also looked to some “self-help” type books for a little guidance. Again, sounds really fucking corny, but there have already been a few really helpful things that I’ve read that I’ve been trying to implement. I’ve been trying to find something every day that I am thankful for or happy about – and believe me it hasn’t been an easy task – to try to break my funk.

I’m trying to change up my environment and living space to be more conducive to happiness. I’ve already made some purchases to enhance my comfort and enjoyment while I’m here at home. I’ve invested in some new artwork that should be arriving soon, and I’m seriously debating changing up my linens completely. I’ve been weeding out things here and there that I don’t need to keep anymore. (I have a very bad habit of hanging onto things for sentimental reasons. I don’t need t-shirts with holes and stains because they remind me of college or an old job.)

I’m considering going back to doing my crazy hairstyles…I haven’t done anything “fun” in almost two years basically. I kind of miss the faux hawk…I know it’s not very “in” anymore, but I had a certain level of confidence with it. I guess right now I just feel entirely below ordinary, unworthy and not at all memorable. I’m definitely not at all used to feeling this way. I’ve felt down in the dumps before, but nothing like this.

Pain will do some crazy, fucked up shit to a person. I’m not trying to ignore it…I’m just trying to pay attention to it and figure out how I can learn from it.

~ by tatterednotes on January 8, 2015.

Posted in Life
Tags: babysteps, bronchitis, heartbreak, heartbroken, hurt, life, lost, love, pain, rebuilding, reflection, relationships, sadness, sick, work