I was a fool for love
I will always be a fool for love. I will always follow my heart. I have very powerful emotions. It’s just who I am.
I’ve been asked before to list reasons why I love someone…I can’t do that. I can’t qualify love that way. To me love cannot be quantified. To me when I’m in love with someone and I love her, it’s because I feel completely different as a human being since I’ve met them. They inspire me to be the best possible person I can be. I am brought to places emotionally and spiritually that I cannot explain or define.
With my last relationship I genuinely felt so completely at home that I never thought it would end. I had no worries. No doubts. Everything just clicked. To me, when we met, it was as if we’d been together before. No crazy nervousness. No overpowering fears. It just felt right. She felt like home.
Perhaps I fucked up because I was honest about that. I was honest in feeling so comfortable and at ease that I wasn’t full of nervous energy. I didn’t have constant butterflies in my stomach. To me I just felt so sure that I didn’t question anything. Maybe I just view a strong connection when I feel it vastly differently than other people. I see the sexual attraction and chemistry and tension, but then I feel the absolute comfort of being at peace because to me everything clicked and finally made sense.
Maybe I didn’t make her feel special enough because I didn’t lie and say I still felt all nervous and giddy when we kissed. I don’t lie. I can’t lie. I told the truth. I found her incredibly attractive. I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame, but I wasn’t afraid to lose her. I was overly confident she was my life partner and I guess that burned me in the end.
I know there is a time and place for the nerves and butterflies…and I felt that with her…I just was awash more with that sense of, *sigh* finally, that I obviously hurt her more than I realized.
All I can do now is continue to heal and learn from all of this. It’s going to be a long process. As much as I have always felt I am built and made for a committed relationship, I seem to be pretty terrible at them. I date a woman, and it always seems like they leave me and are very quickly in a deeply committed and successful relationship with someone else. It’s hard not to feel discouraged. It’s hard not to feel like a rebound or a stepping stone or practice round for people. This is why I end up staying single for so long and so often.
I also genuinely am not sure how to really meet compatible quality people. I can certainly go out with groups of different people like I did last night and fit in well – I’ve always had that ability to adapt to my surroundings – but it’s not something I want, need, or like to do all the time. I would much rather spend my weekends running quick errands, making and eating good food, watching movies, binge watching shows, reading, listening to music, playing with my furry children and relaxing. Throw in the occasional hockey game or dinner and movie out, or ordering a UFC bout, and I’m a content person.
Yeah, I may be “boring” and “lazy”, but at least I’m honest about it. I’m never going to be one to all of a sudden start running marathons or hitting the gym every day. I hate exercise. I’d rather go for a lazy walk or take a quick dip in a pool…but I can be cajoled into doing active things with people. If I’m hanging out with people and there’s volleyball or something going on, I will play – even if I know I’m going to suck. I love the water. I have and will go to a park or beach by myself with a book and headphones just to relax. I used to love getting out on the water when I had friends with boats. The water calms and grounds me. I also love snow – for much the same reason. I’ve been snowboarding and own gear, but it’s been years since I’ve been on a mountain. (I’m not very good, and I have trouble with the lifts, but I still try)
I love my tattoos. I know I’m probably going to get more. I like doing out of the ordinary things with my hair. I don’t care that I’m 33 and some people think I should stop. It’s hair. It grows out. I have a thing for needing to smell good at all times because I sweat a lot – yay medical issues my whole life! I do worry sometimes about how I look because of that too…I tend to dress in layers and choose certain colors to try to hide it…I get embarrassed about it, but I can’t control it.
When it comes down to it, I have a few insecurities when it comes to my body and my health…but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. When I do meet a woman who I’m interested in, I’m honest and up front about it. With my last relationship, she accepted all of it whole-heartedly, without judgement. For the first time I had that extra sense of comfort. Which has made all of this even harder…that thought of will I ever meet someone again who will be as accepting of me?
I really did have my whole future set with her in mind. Every decision I made for almost a year and a half was made for her or with us and our future in mind. I never had any other thought. She was all I thought about. All I talked about. Yesterday I had to explain to someone else that we weren’t together anymore after I was approached to see if she would be able to make a baby blanket. The response was, “I had no idea, you do a very good job hiding your pain. I’m so sorry. I know how much you loved her and how happy you were. She was all you talked about. I remember you showing people here engagement rings.” Then she reminded me that if I could still put a smile on my face for work every day even though I’m going through the amount of pain I must be going through, that I’m a strong person and that this will make me a better person in the long run. I know, in my heart, she’s right, but it’s hard sometimes to remember that.
I become a fool in love. I feel invincible. I feel like my partner and I together can do anything. I do everything I can for her and our future together. I don’t think about contingency plans. It had been a long time since I was really in love. I never felt this way about anyone before…I know that this pain is a direct result of the deepness of love I felt. I just don’t know how long it’s going to take me to not feel betrayed. Even when I do feel better about everything and I want to meet new people…I just really don’t know how I’m going to do it.
I just still feel so lost.
Naked 