Arthur Aron – The Single Lesbian Version – Part 1

So about two decades ago, social psychologist Arthur Aron decided to test if he could create intimacy between complete strangers and see if people would fall in love. Guess what? It fucking worked!

He came up with 36 questions that he believed went way more than surface deep, and by actively participating and listening to each other with these questions, the two strangers would fall in love. There’s also a part where the two subjects are supposed to stare into each other’s eyes in silence for a few moments during the course of the whole process.

Now, the experiment was done with young, college aged heterosexuals, but I’m wondering if just answering the questions solo can have a positive impact on one’s life?

So here goes nothing. I’m going to answer all of the questions out of the 36 that are possible to answer alone over the next few posts and days. Maybe some people will read along and get a kick out of it. Maybe it’ll cause a few people to ask themselves these questions. At the very least I’m hoping it’ll help me have something interesting to talk about whenever I next meet someone potentially special. Who knows, maybe a fabulously amazing woman will read this and fall in love with me! (Hey, stranger things have happened. Right?)

The concept here is that love is more pliable and malleable than most people give thought to, and that there is a core thing about love that many of us just simply fail to realize; love is a choice. Every day it is a choice. Once the initial rush of blood and hormones and *gahohmygoshIcan’tbelievethispersonisinterestedinmeandIgettokissthem* is over, both parties have to actively choose every day to love each other. So why wouldn’t it be possible to choose to enter into a situation knowing you know nothing about someone, but choosing to be openminded about a process and choose to have the potential to end up loving that person?

So, tuck yourself in and get ready to know me a little better. By all means, feel free to share your answers in the comments if you’d like.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Excellent question. I have more than one answer. If he ever existed, I would want to sup with Jesus Christ, just because of how much shit has been done in his name, and I’d really love to know what the hell he thinks about all of that. Also dead, I would want to share a meal with Eleanor Roosevelt…that woman was a tough lady who was wise beyond her time and definitely held quite a few secrets and a fair share of amazing stories I know I would love to hear. As far as someone more contemporary who is alive, I would want to have dinner with Bill Maher. I think he’s funny and brash and opinionated, and I would love to get into an intellectual, spirited debate with him and whomever else he could introduce me to. It’s all about the stimulating conversation. I know I could never be bored with any of those three.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

I used to want to be famous as an actress or model. Problem was I never really thought myself that talented or that attractive. I always kind of squeaked by and faked it with both. I’ve always said “fake it ’til you make it” and honestly, it’s kind of true. Nowadays, if I could be famous for something positive, I wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t even need to be that famous. I’d be more that satisfied if this little blog of mine started getting 50 hits a day, for instance. I guess I’d just like to have my voice be heard and be recognized for being an intelligent, kind, and loving human being…but then again, they don’t exactly have awards ceremonies for being a good person, so I guess I’ll just keep on living my quiet life here being rather anonymous.

3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?

Nah. I mean, I talk on the phone all day long helping people for a living. If anything, I’m super awkward talking on the phone when it comes to my real life because of it. I just get so tired of being on a damn phone, that a lot of times I really would rather just text or send messages in a program. Unless I’m in a relationship…then I love hearing her voice on the other end. I’m still trying to get comfortable with the whole Skype thing. I feel like I look super awkward on camera…then again, the right woman will think I’m beautiful no matter what, so it won’t really matter…so I should probably just get over it. But yeah, I don’t practice anything. I’m really a fly by the seat of my pants, “fake it ’til I make it” kind of gal. Even in college and high school when I had auditions for theater and I was supposed to prep readings…I either just did a cold read or I made it up off the top of my head. *shrug* I’m weird like that I guess.

4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?

Do I have to pick just one? Because really, it would depend on my mood. Sometimes a perfect day is laying in bed until one in the afternoon and making bacon and cinnamon rolls and tucking back in the blankets and sheets with a book and some music while the weather howls outside. Other times the day is made perfect by a quick car trip to a body of water where I can sit and quietly reflect, take some pictures, maybe write in a paper journal, or read a book. Still another perfect day would be heading out early and finding someone with a boat to go out on the water with, and catching the warm rays of the sun on my skin and the salty spray wilds my hair. I mean, if you’re looking for the answers to what to do if you want to take me out…well, any perfect day is of course made better by delicious food and amazing company, so there’s that.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

I sing to myself every day. Either in the car, or as I’m getting ready for work and getting dressed in my bedroom. I last sang along with other people this past Friday night with some coworkers. I last sang to someone when I sang to my last girlfriend in the car. I’m somewhat embarrassed to sing in front of other people, even though I’ve been doing it since I was 6 or 7. Another weird quirk I guess. One of those things where if I’m comfortable, it just slips out and happens.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30 year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?

That’s easy. I would choose to always have a sharp mind. The body can be repaired, but the mind is such a precious gift. I feel like I should never stop learning. If I started losing my mind, I would lose myself and I just don’t know what kind of life that would really be. I think my mind could honestly be the most attractive thing about me. I love having a (usually) quick mind and knowing a lot of random information. I love being able to use my mind every day to help other people as well…the mind is so beautiful really. I don’t care that my tattoos are going to look bizarre when I’m old, as long as I can tell great stories, do crosswords, and kick butt at trivia games!

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

I used to think I would die in a car crash. Now, I’m not so sure. I just hope that I won’t die alone. That I will have a great love story. That someone will meet me and everything will just click and they won’t be able to contain their disbelief that I’m not married and taken care of by someone already. Seriously though, my greatest fear is that I will never be loved the way I feel I deserve to be loved. I think that might be a pretty common fear though.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

OK, so as this is meant to be done face to face with a stranger, I’m going to just tell you all three physical things about me that are almost always true in any given day…you may or may not have them in common with me, we can compare notes. So, I’m smiling most of the time when I’m talking to someone else (unless I’m upset or really focused), I’m wearing a watch, and I have quite a few tattoos.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

I feel most grateful for the endless opportunities and chances I’ve had to rise up from the ashes of my failures and mistakes. I’ve been extremely lucky to have (so far in my life) been able to take even set back, every miserable failure, every painful blow, and not only take away at least one lesson, but also grow from each event, and become (I think) a better person for the experience. I’ve faced pretty serious illnesses, dropping out of college, scares of even worse ones, tons of heartaches, getting fired for a bullshit reason, going bankrupt and feeling absolutely worthless to finding a new path of work that I am really good at and enjoy, shedding a lot of negative qualities about myself that I really didn’t like, putting a significant amount of money into a 401k and putting money into savings. I’ve sought professional help in the past when I was at a really low point, and I learned how to cope with things a lot better…I learned how to admit I need help and how to ask for it. I’m grateful that every day I honestly feel like I am a better person than I was the day before.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

I would want my parents to either love each other better, or be able to admit a lot sooner that they couldn’t and get divorced so they wouldn’t have hurt each other, and in turn me, so much. I didn’t have a lot of love or affection growing up. There wasn’t a lot of “I love you” or “good job” being thrown around. Not a lot of hugs either. My parents fought a lot. My dad was scary when he drank. My parents lied to each other a lot. They confided in me a lot of their lies, almost hoping I’d tell the other one I guess. They cheated on each other. It was a mess. In retrospect, their behavior is why I am so much of who I am today. I despise lying and cheating. I do say “I love you” in a relationship more than I think I do (but I mean it…I don’t just pay lip service). I sometimes struggle with affection – I can’t force it…if I’m not feeling it, I’m not feeling it, and I will let you know. On the flip side, I probably seek out reassurance that I’m doing OK both personally and professionally because of my childhood as well.

OK…I think 10 questions are enough for tonight. I’ve been writing for over an hour straight. It’s actually been really fun and refreshing answering these questions. I hope whoever is reading this enjoys reading my answers. Like I said, feel free to post your own answers in the comments if you’d like…

~ by tatterednotes on February 3, 2015.

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