Here’s To New Beginnings?
Yeah, yeah…I know.
I’ve been absolutely terrible at updating. I let the domain expire. I hadn’t written anything in MONTHS. Well, anything that wasn’t meant for personal consumption, anyway.
So, news. I’m single. I am possibly at the lowest point a human being can get without being dead. I don’t know how to fix my life, and I’m in therapy so much I’m pretty sure my therapist is in therapy.
To say that shit has been dark would be a massive understatement.
Turns out, I’m really shitty at relationships. I mean, spectacularly bad. I’m not sure that a human being is supposed to feel like lava is being poured down their insides, but again, yeah.
I have, at points, in the last little while, thought about no longer existing. No, I didn’t want to kill myself, but I have contemplated if the world would be any different without me in it. If it would be better.
Unfortunately for me, I haven’t caught COVID at work, and I get to sit in my pain and cry myself to sleep at night wishing things were different. My therapist says I’m grieving and its totally natural to have really good days and them just get blindsided by something and be hurt all over again.
But then again, I don’t just hurt. I go off the deep end into a cycle of pain and just…just know it’s not pretty.
People who know me casually think I have my shit together. The few people who know me really well…well, I know I’ve scared a few of them recently. I’m not ok. I’m not in a good headspace. I haven’t been in years. And I need to take responsibility for everything that I’ve done.
I’ve hurt people. I’ve reacted very poorly. I’ve maneuvered from a place of such profound hurt that has just been compounding that I don’t know who I am anymore. Genuinely. I look in the mirror and it’s like face blindness.
I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve recorded breakdowns and fights and tried desperate measures to save relationships. But they weren’t going to be saved. I just made them far, far worse.
Scorched earth and whatnot. That’s how I’ve been rolling. Because I have been so desperate to feel loved and wanted and needed and desired that I got into relationships I had no business being in.
I hadn’t done the hard work on myself and I know now that I was seeking affection and validation from others because I am not secure in myself. I am not happy with myself. Like, in fact, I’m pretty much the opposite.
I feel stuck. I keep repeating the same patterns over and over and over again. I’ve been the cameo in so many other people’s movies, it’s no wonder I’m living in what is essentially a closet with a window. This is where I’ve ended up by putting the responsibility for my happiness in other people’s hands.
I am broke down. Raw. This is the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt. I’ve just successfully ensured yet another relationship can never be repaired or rekindled, and I’m so sick that all I want is to have someone love me unconditionally and wrap their arms around me and hold me while I cry it all out. And yes. I cry. A lot. I know I’ve been accused of being unemotional and stoic in past relationships, but holy fuck have I become a world champion at it lately.
This isn’t all doom and gloom though. I am working on myself. Hard. In therapy. Taking seminars. Reading loads of books. Watching tons of videos. Sleeping to positive affirmation meditations. Writing in two separate positive mindset and gratitude journals. Attempting to get beyond the story of me that has become so engrained in my psyche that I live down to it.
I want more than this life I’m living, if that’s what it can even be called. I deserve it. I deserve happiness. I’m not that scared kid just begging for attention and approval anymore. I need to act like it.
I don’t know what will ever become of this blog…if anything. However, this is my accountability.
I’ve been a really shitty fucking person to be around for the past few years, and I own that. I’ve fucked up a lot, in sometimes unforgivable ways. I did that. Me. Sorry will never be enough.
I’m changing. I have to. I will die if I don’t.
So, here goes…my honest, no holds barred documentation of where I am. Starting today.
Names, if used, will be changed.
Oh, and I fucked up big today. I broke my own damned no contact policy because I found something out and I reacted by confronting. To say it went poorly is the understatement of the century. I really do like to kill any chances of reconciliation with people.
Naked 