Good Mourning
I feel like literal shit barely warmed over. I haven’t been to work in 3 days, and I’m going in today, but I don’t know that I have the energy in me to fake being OK.
I keep asking myself and those closest to me what the fucking lesson is that I am missing. Why I keep going down this path of self-deluded, give my everything, “love”, only to ignore all of the red flags, ignore all of my boundaries, and for what? External validation? Feeling good about myself because another human wants to be with me?
Because that’s 100% what I’ve been doing. I still give it my all and love with my whole heart, but I keep jumping for people who either have massive problems of their own (then I feel needed), or who are emotionally unavailable (then I feel special because they are giving me attention, even if it’s bad or the bare fucking minimum).
One of my good friends and I spent hours on a video call last night because, let’s be real, I was NOT in a good place and I needed to not be alone for awhile. She gave me this list of red flags that I can’t ignore anymore, and one of them was, “Anyone who is attracted to you in your broken, or desperate state. (Because you will not always be broken, and they will try to keep you that way)”.
While I may not necessarily agree that everyone would try to keep a broken person broken, it’s a really good point, and brings up a good question…why do people pursue others who are broken? Is it because they want to fix them? Is it because it makes them feel strong to be with someone who is in a vulnerable state?
One thing I do know – *if* I get into another relationship, it won’t be for a long time. And it won’t be until I am a whole person. I’d say again, but I’m suspecting that I haven’t been a whole person since childhood. Some long pushed aside shit is coming up recently and I’m not OK with what that probably means about me as a person.
I’m an anxious attacher. I fall madly in lust/like/love with my polar opposites who avoid attachment like the plague, or who (this is SO much worse for me) vacillate between being super attached and then super cold. I always thought that cheating was the biggest mistake someone could make with me, but I’m learning that it’s lies and lying that are what send me off the cliff. Not only confirmed lies (ironically, I feel better once I know the truth and the other person admits it), but those inconsistencies and incongruities that get my mind churning trying to find the lies. I am relentless when I perceive that I’m being lied to.
Oh, what’s that? That’s a sign of hyper vigilance and a key indicator of unresolved trauma? You don’t fucking say. Problem is, I still don’t know where or when exactly I got so fucked up. Not yet anyway. But I need to figure it out.
I have to. For what’s left of my sanity and my heart.
Man, I’m going to be so hard to get to know for the next person who tries. Or I’m just going to still be a mess and push them away.
Still don’t understand how or why I felt (and still feel) the things that emerged in this last one. And that’s what makes it so much worse.
Naked 