Dear 17/18 Year Old Me…
Dear 17/18 Year Old Me,
My dear, darling girl…where do I even begin. I know you think that you’re invincible. I know you think that you’ve got everything figured out. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but honey, you aren’t and you don’t.
Right now, you’re at college and you’re fucking around with classes and soooooo focused on your social life and experimenting with drugs and alcohol and your sexuality, and that’s OK. Nobody can tell you otherwise anyway, and honestly, I think you need to get some of the wild out.
You’re having lots of sex and hook-ups with lots of different women, you’re getting into gay bars that you have no business being in, and you feel on top of the world. Everything seems possible. And it is. Everything will ALWAYS be possible. However, there’s a REALLY big but here…
I know that you’re infatuated with one woman in particular. I know she’s ultimately why you decided to even apply at this school. I know she’s been keeping you at arm’s length because you’re still a minor, and I know you’re hoping that once you turn 18, you’re going to get your wish and you two will get together.
You will. And it’s going to be life-altering. But probably not in the way you’re expecting. It’s not going to last, dear heart. I’m sorry, but it’s not. I know that you’ve put her on this pedestal and made her out to be this unattainable goddess, and once you get her, you’re going to feel a euphoria that you are going to think you’ll never feel again, but I need you to know, the way you’ve idolized her is going to crush you when she doesn’t want anything serious with you.
It’s going to suck. You’re going to feel like you want to die. You aren’t going to know how to handle this rejection, and it’s going to send you down a path of idolization, putting women on pedestals, compromising your boundaries, losing yourself, putting your needs last, ruining your mental health, making really bad financial decisions, chasing approval and validation, jumping at the first signs of interest from people you’d never even be friends with if you just took time to get to know them, and a cycle of such out-sized attachment trauma based reactions that nobody is going to want to even try to be in a relationship with you. This is 38 year old you writing to you right now. I am the reality of this singular event and experience unfolding. I’ve been able to connect the dots backwards.
So please, be gentle with yourself. It’s going to be OK. Just because she doesn’t want anything serious with you doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you!!! You have a lot of love to give, and I promise you that not having your affection reciprocated isn’t the end of the world.
Please also take advantage of your healthcare benefits and get yourself in therapy as soon as you can to address the issues from childhood that you’re bottling up. I know you think that you’ve handled it all and you’re not being affected by them. I can attest that you’re wrong. Your life will get a million times better once you start working on it. I promise.
Never forget that you are a rockstar. You’re so, SO worthy of love, affection, loyalty, romance, the whole package…and you WILL have it all someday. Don’t give up.
I love you!
38 Year Old Me
Naked 