Be The Thing You Seek…

•April 26, 2015 • 2 Comments

…or something like that, right?

I mean, look. I have to admit that living worried (scared?) wasn’t doing shit for me. Not a damn fucking thing. Nor was sitting home every night with just my cats and 50″ TV for company. 

I’ve been doing a LOT of “trigger pulling” lately. Going out alone after work (albeit to regular bars/restaurants with virtually zero chance of meeting another eligible lesbian). Signing up for PoF (not really much happening there…although I did see that this woman I had a date with MANY years ago is STILL using the SAME profile picture – yikes!!!). Buying a new car.

I’m definitely stepping out of my normal comfort zone. I’ve met some new people. Made a really fun new (straight) friend. Accepted that my inherent laziness and lack of desire to do things like crunches and whatnot plus my absolute passion for delicious food and drink means I’m probably always going to be 130 pounds with a bit of a belly – and I’m just going to have to be OK with that…and fuck you if you think my tummy makes me undateable! I’m not going to try to starve myself to try to get dates. I’m 33 and way too old, smart, and amazing for that bullshit. I’d honestly rather be an authentic, but single, human being. Thanks.

Besides, too many people are too busy chasing things anyway. The chase is the draw. The allure. Then once they think the chase is over, they aren’t happy anymore (see a lot of my previous failed relationships). I’m not chasing. I’m just working on being the best possible version of myself I can be each day. I am trying to be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with…

Ultimately, I do have to live with myself and my thoughts untiil I die afterall.

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Vroom Vroom Baby

•April 18, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So I pulled the trigger today and bought a new car. Well, I ordered a new car. Put down my deposit and signed over the title for my trade in. The actual car won’t be ready until Wednesday morning at the earliest.

I’m really happy I decided to go ahead and do it. I was hesitant since it has only been 5 years since my bankruptcy, but it wasn’t even a factor when it came to financing. I guess I’m actually doing a lot better than I wanted to admit to myself. I’ve worked really hard to re-establish myself after my medical bankruptcy, and it feels good to have been able to walk into a car dealership with confidence and not be disappointed.

Plus, I made sure there are no penalties for paying the car off early, so I am fully intending on making $1000 payments every month for the next few months as long as I can afford to do so to pay the car off even faster. I paid my last car off early as well.

I’m feeling really good today. Better than I have in a very, very long time.

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Normalcy Creeps

•March 10, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So randomly in the past few days my life has just had a sea change. I’ve just been waking up every day feeling different. Like life is really good again. Nothing tangible has happened. No new friends or women I’m talking to. No promotion at work. No life-changing moves in my life. I just am waking up feeling like me again. For the first time in months.

The other thing that has happened which I am fucking ecstatic about is that my sex drive has finally returned! 3 1/2 months off of one of the medications I was on and all of a sudden it just came flooding back. I’m so fucking happy I’m not broken I can’t even put it into words. I’m back baby! Back and feeling better than I have in years! 

I just have to keep an eye out for negative effects of coming off of this medication…I don’t relish the idea of trading having my sex drive back if it means that I am stuck getting back ovarian cysts and end up in the hospital every couple of months. I’m not really sure that trade off would be worth it at that point. Then again, I was on birth control to manage them since I was 17, so they really fucked with my hormone levels in ways I don’t even think my doctors really understand. 

All together I am starting to feel the desire to get back out there and back in the saddle of dating. I just don’t really know how. I know the option of online dating sites is there, but I just don’t like it. I’ve had some very bad experiences when I was younger, and I feel like I’m just too honest for online dating really. Someone suggested speed dating, but I haven’t seen anything posted anywhere for a lesbian speed dating for where I live. 

I have been slowly making it be known to friends and colleagues that I am ready to be back on the market, so I am definitely trying to network myself in a more traditional sense, almost like I was looking for employment…it sort of feels like in today’s world dating is like applying for a job really. 

I would really just love to meet someone organically, doing something I normally do, or bumping into her at a bookstore or something of the like, but I know the chances of that are minimal at best. I’m definitely trying to be open to suggestion as to how to meet other intelligent, successful women in their early 30s. Even just to hang out as friends to be able to network off of those connections. I have a pretty varied set of interests, good conversation skills, I make great company, and I like to think I’m not bad to look at either. Plus, I make some very delicious food…my friends and colleagues can definitely attest to that one!

So, do you know how I can meet women?

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Soundtrack To My Life…

•March 4, 2015 • 1 Comment

A long time ago I said that my dream job would be to curate movie soundtracks. Not sure exactly how one would get such a job, but I still think that’s probably one of the best fucking jobs in the world. I would be so goddamn passionate about my work if that was what I got to do all day and all night.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve wished that there was a soundtrack playing for my life. Sometimes just because there were moments that were screaming for background music. Other times (and most often, if I’m being brutally honest with myself) simply because I could have used the help figuring out what the fuck was going on. 

Music in movies and in television shows has that amazing ability. You learn the subtle nuances and cues. Strings begin to swell, a timpani begins a steady beat, some woodwinds begin a seductive trill…here comes the hero to sweep the girl off her feet and kiss away her tears. Thudding bass drums, clashing horns and cymbols – look out! Danger is sure to be on your screen via villian or car chase. Steady beats and subtle vocals? Here comes a decidedly not PG rating. 

Music is one of life’s great equalizers. I don’t know a single human being alive that doesn’t enjoy music. Every culture has customs that revolve around or involve music in some form. Even before we are born, our mothers coo and hum and sing to us in their wombs. 

Music, like love, is universal. 

Through music I have learned bits and pieces of several different languages. I know I’ve touched upon it briefly before, but when I was a young teenager, music saved my life and gave me a sense of belonging and the will to see that things would get better. As an adult, music is not only an escape, but I use music to sculpt the world around me. 

I don’t know about anyone else, but I know that if I’m in a certain type of mood, I can listen to certain genres of music (sometimes even just a particular song), and I can absolutely change my frame of mind. Music has the singular abilty to elevate and bring about revelations. 

I’m listening to music right now while I write. I find that having low-key music playing helps me more easily get the words from my sometimes erratic brain through my fingers and onto the page, be it parchment or digital. I feel so blessed to live in an era where music is more and more easily shared and I can discover new favorites with the simple click of a button. I will never forget the hours that I spent at record stores as a teen listening to the albums that were in the sample booths. I will never forget the years I spent working at a record store. 

Music has always been and will always continue to be a very large part of my life. I don’t really understand when someone says that they don’t listen to a lot of music…it actually saddens me when someone says something like that. 

I guess that I never really grew out of being that awkward kid who was in choir and band and had no friends. I grew up and I look a lot different, but I still find great comfort in all things musical that bring people together. 

I guess you could say that music is my first love.

(Brought to you tonight by some fantastic tunes by; The Lumineers, The Head and the Heart, Lord Huron, Bon Iver and Passenger)

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A Letter…To My Future Lover

•March 1, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Dear Future Lover – 

I do not know when we will meet. I know it will be at some seemingly random point in both of our lives, but it will be at the exact right moment for both of us. I know I’ve met the wrong people at the right time, and the right people at the wrong time, and I’m certain you have as well. This is the nature of life. We all go through it meeting people and experiencing things with each other so that we may learn and grow.

I am growing. I am becoming the best possible version of myself that I can become. I will always grow and change. I know you are doing the same. I want you to know that I understand that I’ve had to go through a lot of pain and anguish to be able to appreciate what we will have together, and I have the utmost respect for your journey to me as well. 

I know that we will have to choose each other every single day and work together to build the life we desire. I’m not afraid. I’ve never been one to shy away from commitment. I never will. I don’t make promises I don’t intend to keep. Please know that I will never stray. When I say that I am yours, I mean it. 

I vow to not make you pay for the mistakes of people from my past. I only ask for the same respect in return. I will be open and honest with you and communicate, even when it is a struggle. I’ve learned this lesson, harshly. I will not make that mistake again. I may tell you too much too quickly, but at least you will always know. 

If you ever have doubt, please know that all you need to do is look in my eyes. They will always tell you everything. If you still worry, please tell me. Even though I’m a Scorpio and am fairly intuitive, I’m not a mind reader. 

I apologize in advance for that. I am really bad at knowing when I am being flirted with or when someone is into me, so you will likely need to make the first move and make it very obvious. I promise you though, I am no shrinking violet. I will repay your boldness in kind my sweet. I have a very keen imagination…one that I am excited to finally share with you.

My darling future lover, once we are together, I hope that I prove to be worthy. I am doing my best to be ready and open to you entering my life. When you’re ready for me, I am here. Arms wide open. 

I will love you with everything I am, and everything I will become.

This is my solemn vow to you, my future lover.

Until we meet – 

Patiently growing and learning.

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Arthur Aron – The Single Lesbian Version – Part 3

•February 7, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Sorry it’s been a few days since I last posted. I had another wicked migraine and then was extremely busy with work, but I’m going to try to maybe tackle the remaining questions and knock out the rest of this tonight.

Thanks to all who’ve been reading thus far from around the globe.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Wow. Well, love is the great equalizer, isn’t it? I mean, every human being and pretty much every creature is capable of not only being loved, but loving as well. I think some people are more aware of this than others, and thus may have a greater capacity to tap into that well of love and express it and share it with others…not just on a one on one basis, but with the world at large. I think love and gratitude kind of go hand in hand. I know that as a deeply emotional person I have fallen trap to the patterns of feeling heartbroken and then, in turn, feeling sullen and sorry for myself rather than seeing the bigger picture. This has been something I’ve been working on my entire life. I know that I need to acknowledge every emotion I have associated with love, as they are all valid. I will be the first to admit that I’ve always felt like love is the reason for life. Not knowledge or money or fame or anything else…just love. Call me childish if you want, but I still feel as though I’m destined to have an amazing love story. I haven’t given up on that.

As far as affection, this one is trickier. I haven’t been as affectionate in my relationships as perhaps I should’ve been. With some lovers I’ve been somewhat standoffish actually. Some women I’ve loved deeper than you could imagine, but I just haven’t felt driven to kiss them senseless and make out with them constantly. I am a confusing individual. This has gotten even worse in the past year as my body has decided to play games with me and has been telling me to fuck off and shut down my sex drive…I am not enthused, and am actively working to rectify this. I refuse to let this impact another potential relationship.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

Well, since I need to modify this one, I’ll list off five things I consider positive traits about myself. I am not exceedingly good at promoting myself, so here goes;

I am an extremely loyal person. If I tell you that I am yours, I am. No ifs, ands or buts. I will defend your honor through everything imaginable and I will never stray. It’s not in my heart to do such a thing. In fact, I think being disloyal and displaying infidelity are some of the most despicable traits a person can exhibit.

I am a genuinely caring and good individual. I do not ask how your day is to make small talk. I am actually interested, and invested in your happiness. If you are want for something, and I am in a position to make it happen, I will – no questions asked. Some will say this makes me a sucker, but I just don’t know how else to be.

I love animals and animals love me. I’ve been warned countless times that an animal doesn’t like strangers or is mean, and within minutes, said animal is curled up on my lap asleep or rolled over looking for belly rubs. I can’t really explain it. I’ve had this connection with animals since childhood. I have similar effects on kids – they all seem to love me. (I, on the other hand, like children, but have never had the desire to have any of my own. My mind could be swayed by the right woman potentially.)

I have a sharp mind, and I don’t ever want to stop learning – even if it’s simply picking up a book about concussions in football (I actually don’t even watch the sport) or watching a documentary about making wood veneer, I am energized by knowledge.

I would make for a terrible liar. My eyes are extremely expressive and give everything away. Seriously. These baby blue are definitely windows into my heart and soul.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

My family is not warm or close at all, and I’m OK with this. There has been a lot of breaking of trust and lying that has happened within my immediate family in the past, and I think it’s actually best for all involved that there is very little communication. I used to have a much stronger relationship with my mother than my father, but she did some things that really damaged that relationship. After a few years of refusing all contact, I’ve very slowly started to allow her back into my life. My father and I share a living space currently (not sure for how much longer – it has always been a money saving issue, at one point he was unemployed for a few years) but we don’t really talk that much. It’s a very odd dynamic. Again, I’m completely OK with this.

My extended family has no contact with me. They have vastly different views than I do, and beyond the basic issues of racism and some of them being Bible thumpers, I know that most of them would not be accepting of me being a lesbian just based on how they spoke of other people when I was 10, 11, and 12 years old, the last times I was exposed to them. Still completely OK with all of this. As an only child I have been very self-sufficient from an early age. Even more so because of my parents alcoholism and other antics.

This is not to say that I don’t understand and appreciate that many other people have vastly different familial experiences and love being around large portions of their families. More power to you if you have those relationships. I’m happy that you have that support system, and I respect those relationships. I just can’t compare my childhood with yours. I wouldn’t want to.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Well, I think I pretty much covered this in the previous question…but for the sake of the question, I have no idea where my relationship with her is going. I would like to get back to a point with her that if I am lucky enough to find myself getting married, I would want her to be there.

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “we are both in this room feeling…”

Another question I can’t really answer properly, but I will try.

I’m in this room reclining on my bed, with one cat on my feet and the other at my knees.

I’m currently listening to Amazon Prime music on my phone through headphones.

I have Divergent playing on my 50″ TV, but I’m not paying any attention to it.

26. Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

I wish I had someone with whom I could share every aspect of life with. From falling asleep next to her and waking up with, to coming home to and building that home together. Sharing each other’s successes and failures. Encouraging each other. Pushing each other. Growing together. Being silly and serious. Challenging each other’s limits in all aspects and still loving each other no matter what. (I told you, love is the reason for me.)

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I value honesty above all else. I would rather you give it to me straight than sugarcoat a shitpile. I have very little patience or respect for people who can’t be honest. If I look like shit, tell me…but don’t be offended when I do the same. don’t pussyfoot around with me. I’m not a mind reader and I’m not a game player. I’m way too old and far too smart for that nonsense. If I want a game, I’ve got crossword puzzles, thanks.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them: Be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone that you’ve just met.

Well, I’ve finally hit a question I can’t do without a partner. Sorry guys.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

Well, I’ve been really sick without sick time before, and I’ve had to work, and I’ve ended up having to throw out my underthings at work because of how sick I was. Can’t deny it…I’m sure it’s happened to quite a few people. Admit it.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

I last cried in front of someone else when my most recent ex broke up with me over my birthday weekend. I last cried by myself last week.

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

Another one I can’t do unless I have a partner…apologies again folks.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

I won’t joke about cheating, and I find it offensive when other people say they are “joking” about it. To me, if you can joke about it, the thought is obviously there…it’s just really bad karma and energy to put out there.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

Right at this moment, there isn’t anything that i haven’t already tried to express to people – whether they’ve heard what I’ve tried to say is another matter. I’ve been really trying to live my life without regret, so my conscious is pretty clear.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

I would grab the messenger bag that I bring to work every day. In it contains my iPad, all the charging cables I would need, notebooks, pens, what I would need for work, my planner and my bank ledger. I know I’d already have my phone on me. I’d grab this, because with this one bag, I’d have all of my contacts and all of the means needed to start rebuilding normalcy.

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

My mom. She’s my mom afterall. Neither of my parents take care of their health, but losing the woman who brought you into this world just feels like it has to be the hardest thing to accept.

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

OK, I’ll just throw it out there to you guys. My dear readers, how in the hell should I go about meeting women when I’m ready to try to date again? I’m not one for gay bars or that whole meat-market aspect of gay culture…I’m just too shy and not self-sure enough. I’ve tried online dating when I was younger with hilarious results. What are your thoughts? Seriously. I want you to comment. Please.

Wow. I did it. I answered Arthur Aron’s questions. I think I’ve opened my eyes to a lot about myself…I think I would love to do this again in real life with a potential partner to see if there could be something there. I’m not saying this is a checklist to love, but these questions definitely make you think.

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Arthur Aron – The Single Lesbian Version – Part 2

•February 4, 2015 • 2 Comments

Alrighty, as promised, here is the second set of questions I’m going to knock out tonight. I have to say, after sitting here and typing out the first ten questions and my very honest responses last night, today I felt a renewed sense of positivity and lightness. I think this is really going to be a very rewarding little experience for myself.

What’s the saying? The world is your oyster? And so it is.

Without further ado…

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Well, I’ll be taking a bit more than four minutes as I;m typing this all out, but here goes. I was born in 1981 to parents who were both serving in the US Army and were stationed in Germany. They decided to come back to the states so I could be born here, so I was born in Washington DC, and my birth certificate is signed by (I think) a general. I spent the first couple years of my life in Germany…I don’t really remember any of it. Apparently not only did I get really sick prior to being 1, but someone tried to kidnap me at some point. I don’t really remember the story that well…my mom told it to me when I was in high school as some sort of justification for why she was so protective. I’m an only child. We settled down in Connecticut so I could go to school in a good environment, and my dad wanted to be near his family. I always had a very hard time making friends. My mom didn’t let me do a lot of things, and I was always pretty smart and would have rather read a book than played with dolls. I was an odd and precocious child. Somewhere around the age of 4 I told my mom I was going to marry Madonna. I think that’s when my Uncle Kirk started not coming over as much (he’s gay), or maybe it was that he taught me how to flip the bird and to tell someone fuck you? I was given an IQ test at my mother’s urging in the second grade, and I tested at above college level in every category. I started getting given extra work and attending special classes for “gifted” kids to try to keep us occupied and out of trouble since we were bored with the regular curriculum. I put a lot of pressure on myself as I got to middle school to try to be perfect. Perfect grades. Get a boyfriend and try to be “normal”. I knew I was gay…I just didn’t have the words for it yet. I was already sort of an outcast, and I knew if I couldn’t make myself fit in I would get the shit kicked out of me on a regular basis. I begged my parents to let me take the entrance exams to a few of the local private high schools. I got into every school I applied to. I ended up choosing a Catholic high school, thinking maybe the religious indoctrination would help me to be straight and “normal”…all it actually ended up doing was make me come out of the closet at a younger age than I likely would have if I had gone to public school. Let’s see,,,I went to band camp during high school. I had my first girlfriend at 15. I went to UMass Amherst to study theater. I dropped out during my second semester. I found out I had Lyme Disease that had gone undiagnosed for likely 5 years or more. I started working full time at age 18. I started getting tattooed. I dated a lot. Bought my first brand new car at 20. I shared a house with an ex. Got laid off from a job because they were closing a bunch of locations. Got fired from another job for a really bullshit reason that essentially boiled down to me being gay and feeling unsafe with a coworker. I fell into the job that I have now that I actually really like and I’m good at. I’ve never been married…I thought twice now that it might happen, but the other women just didn’t feel the same.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

I would want to gain the ability to understand other people without confusion and to be seen and heard without misunderstanding.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I would want to know if I’m on the right path to realizing the happiness that I’ve always wanted…that someday all of the feelings of failure and not being worthy or good enough, all of the pain will have been worth it because I will be successful and I will have realized my childhood dream of having a warm home with a loving wife, surrounded by animals.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

Sure. There are a few things I’ve dreamt of doing…I’ve dreamt of traveling. I’ve dreamt of being married. I’ve dreamt of skydiving. I’ve never dreamt of doing any of those things alone. I mean, I definitely can’t get married alone. As far as traveling alone…as a single lesbian woman, I just am not sure of where I would go alone that I would feel comfortable and safe. The last time I went somewhere that required a flight was to Chicago almost a decade ago (with someone else) and that was a lot of fun. Skydiving isn’t something that’s about overcoming a fear or anything…I’ve just always wanted to do it…I think it would be way more fun if there were a group of people going together.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Not giving up when I was 14 and was struggling with being gay and not knowing how to tell anyone and how to live with being different than everyone. I really struggled with self-hatred for not being normal. I was convinced back then that no one could ever love me. It was the one and only time I contemplated suicide. It’s not a lie that I’m one of the people that music saved my life. I stayed up all night listening to the radio, and the next morning I left for my first ever week away from home at band camp (I sang), and I met a whole group of misfits and outcasts just like me…and I knew I would be OK.

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

Honesty and loyalty. Pretty simple really when you think about it.

17. What is your most treasured memory?

Hmmm…this is a good one. I’m going to go with the first night I was able to drive around with the windows down and the music up. The feeling of freedom and exhileration. I’m very big on experiences and emotional evocations when it comes to memories.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

Well, pick any one of the many times I’ve been broken up with. Most notably this past time because I really thought with all of me that she was the one. Again, emotions are a huge thing for me. I’m moving beyond that though…doing this whole thing is part of that. Everything is a learning experience.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

Yes. I would work as much overtime as possible for 2 months, then quit my job and travel to the places I want to see before I die. Italy. Australia. A glacier somewhere. I would try as many new foods as possible. I would get over my chronic shyness and go to gay bars in cities that I visited and kiss strange women because I have too much love in me not to share it. I would make sure I had someone lined up to take my two cats when I passed, and had an account set up to provide for their care. That’s really it.

20. What does friendship mean to you?

As I don’t have many close friends due to me culling a lot of toxic people from my life throughout the years and my chronic inability to really meet and make new friends, I think I might have a vastly different definition of friendship than most people. To me, a true friend is there for you when the shit hits the fan, when the times are good, and when it’s just another boring Wednesday afternoon. They are honest, sometimes brutally, especially when it’s needed. They’re going to watch your back and stand up for you even though you don’t maybe need the help. They’re not afraid to ask for help, and they’re perceptive enough to realize when you might need help as well. A true friend is a rare breed.

OK. I’m done for tonight. My eyes are heavy and I need to get more sleep than I did last night. These questions once again have my mind turning and I know I’ll be thinking pretty deeply and having vivid dreams because of them.

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Arthur Aron – The Single Lesbian Version – Part 1

•February 3, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So about two decades ago, social psychologist Arthur Aron decided to test if he could create intimacy between complete strangers and see if people would fall in love. Guess what? It fucking worked!

He came up with 36 questions that he believed went way more than surface deep, and by actively participating and listening to each other with these questions, the two strangers would fall in love. There’s also a part where the two subjects are supposed to stare into each other’s eyes in silence for a few moments during the course of the whole process.

Now, the experiment was done with young, college aged heterosexuals, but I’m wondering if just answering the questions solo can have a positive impact on one’s life?

So here goes nothing. I’m going to answer all of the questions out of the 36 that are possible to answer alone over the next few posts and days. Maybe some people will read along and get a kick out of it. Maybe it’ll cause a few people to ask themselves these questions. At the very least I’m hoping it’ll help me have something interesting to talk about whenever I next meet someone potentially special. Who knows, maybe a fabulously amazing woman will read this and fall in love with me! (Hey, stranger things have happened. Right?)

The concept here is that love is more pliable and malleable than most people give thought to, and that there is a core thing about love that many of us just simply fail to realize; love is a choice. Every day it is a choice. Once the initial rush of blood and hormones and *gahohmygoshIcan’tbelievethispersonisinterestedinmeandIgettokissthem* is over, both parties have to actively choose every day to love each other. So why wouldn’t it be possible to choose to enter into a situation knowing you know nothing about someone, but choosing to be openminded about a process and choose to have the potential to end up loving that person?

So, tuck yourself in and get ready to know me a little better. By all means, feel free to share your answers in the comments if you’d like.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Excellent question. I have more than one answer. If he ever existed, I would want to sup with Jesus Christ, just because of how much shit has been done in his name, and I’d really love to know what the hell he thinks about all of that. Also dead, I would want to share a meal with Eleanor Roosevelt…that woman was a tough lady who was wise beyond her time and definitely held quite a few secrets and a fair share of amazing stories I know I would love to hear. As far as someone more contemporary who is alive, I would want to have dinner with Bill Maher. I think he’s funny and brash and opinionated, and I would love to get into an intellectual, spirited debate with him and whomever else he could introduce me to. It’s all about the stimulating conversation. I know I could never be bored with any of those three.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

I used to want to be famous as an actress or model. Problem was I never really thought myself that talented or that attractive. I always kind of squeaked by and faked it with both. I’ve always said “fake it ’til you make it” and honestly, it’s kind of true. Nowadays, if I could be famous for something positive, I wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t even need to be that famous. I’d be more that satisfied if this little blog of mine started getting 50 hits a day, for instance. I guess I’d just like to have my voice be heard and be recognized for being an intelligent, kind, and loving human being…but then again, they don’t exactly have awards ceremonies for being a good person, so I guess I’ll just keep on living my quiet life here being rather anonymous.

3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?

Nah. I mean, I talk on the phone all day long helping people for a living. If anything, I’m super awkward talking on the phone when it comes to my real life because of it. I just get so tired of being on a damn phone, that a lot of times I really would rather just text or send messages in a program. Unless I’m in a relationship…then I love hearing her voice on the other end. I’m still trying to get comfortable with the whole Skype thing. I feel like I look super awkward on camera…then again, the right woman will think I’m beautiful no matter what, so it won’t really matter…so I should probably just get over it. But yeah, I don’t practice anything. I’m really a fly by the seat of my pants, “fake it ’til I make it” kind of gal. Even in college and high school when I had auditions for theater and I was supposed to prep readings…I either just did a cold read or I made it up off the top of my head. *shrug* I’m weird like that I guess.

4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?

Do I have to pick just one? Because really, it would depend on my mood. Sometimes a perfect day is laying in bed until one in the afternoon and making bacon and cinnamon rolls and tucking back in the blankets and sheets with a book and some music while the weather howls outside. Other times the day is made perfect by a quick car trip to a body of water where I can sit and quietly reflect, take some pictures, maybe write in a paper journal, or read a book. Still another perfect day would be heading out early and finding someone with a boat to go out on the water with, and catching the warm rays of the sun on my skin and the salty spray wilds my hair. I mean, if you’re looking for the answers to what to do if you want to take me out…well, any perfect day is of course made better by delicious food and amazing company, so there’s that.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

I sing to myself every day. Either in the car, or as I’m getting ready for work and getting dressed in my bedroom. I last sang along with other people this past Friday night with some coworkers. I last sang to someone when I sang to my last girlfriend in the car. I’m somewhat embarrassed to sing in front of other people, even though I’ve been doing it since I was 6 or 7. Another weird quirk I guess. One of those things where if I’m comfortable, it just slips out and happens.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30 year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?

That’s easy. I would choose to always have a sharp mind. The body can be repaired, but the mind is such a precious gift. I feel like I should never stop learning. If I started losing my mind, I would lose myself and I just don’t know what kind of life that would really be. I think my mind could honestly be the most attractive thing about me. I love having a (usually) quick mind and knowing a lot of random information. I love being able to use my mind every day to help other people as well…the mind is so beautiful really. I don’t care that my tattoos are going to look bizarre when I’m old, as long as I can tell great stories, do crosswords, and kick butt at trivia games!

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

I used to think I would die in a car crash. Now, I’m not so sure. I just hope that I won’t die alone. That I will have a great love story. That someone will meet me and everything will just click and they won’t be able to contain their disbelief that I’m not married and taken care of by someone already. Seriously though, my greatest fear is that I will never be loved the way I feel I deserve to be loved. I think that might be a pretty common fear though.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

OK, so as this is meant to be done face to face with a stranger, I’m going to just tell you all three physical things about me that are almost always true in any given day…you may or may not have them in common with me, we can compare notes. So, I’m smiling most of the time when I’m talking to someone else (unless I’m upset or really focused), I’m wearing a watch, and I have quite a few tattoos.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

I feel most grateful for the endless opportunities and chances I’ve had to rise up from the ashes of my failures and mistakes. I’ve been extremely lucky to have (so far in my life) been able to take even set back, every miserable failure, every painful blow, and not only take away at least one lesson, but also grow from each event, and become (I think) a better person for the experience. I’ve faced pretty serious illnesses, dropping out of college, scares of even worse ones, tons of heartaches, getting fired for a bullshit reason, going bankrupt and feeling absolutely worthless to finding a new path of work that I am really good at and enjoy, shedding a lot of negative qualities about myself that I really didn’t like, putting a significant amount of money into a 401k and putting money into savings. I’ve sought professional help in the past when I was at a really low point, and I learned how to cope with things a lot better…I learned how to admit I need help and how to ask for it. I’m grateful that every day I honestly feel like I am a better person than I was the day before.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

I would want my parents to either love each other better, or be able to admit a lot sooner that they couldn’t and get divorced so they wouldn’t have hurt each other, and in turn me, so much. I didn’t have a lot of love or affection growing up. There wasn’t a lot of “I love you” or “good job” being thrown around. Not a lot of hugs either. My parents fought a lot. My dad was scary when he drank. My parents lied to each other a lot. They confided in me a lot of their lies, almost hoping I’d tell the other one I guess. They cheated on each other. It was a mess. In retrospect, their behavior is why I am so much of who I am today. I despise lying and cheating. I do say “I love you” in a relationship more than I think I do (but I mean it…I don’t just pay lip service). I sometimes struggle with affection – I can’t force it…if I’m not feeling it, I’m not feeling it, and I will let you know. On the flip side, I probably seek out reassurance that I’m doing OK both personally and professionally because of my childhood as well.

OK…I think 10 questions are enough for tonight. I’ve been writing for over an hour straight. It’s actually been really fun and refreshing answering these questions. I hope whoever is reading this enjoys reading my answers. Like I said, feel free to post your own answers in the comments if you’d like…

Posted in Art, Entertainment, Life, Uncategorized
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I was a fool for love

•January 31, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I will always be a fool for love. I will always follow my heart. I have very powerful emotions. It’s just who I am.

I’ve been asked before to list reasons why I love someone…I can’t do that. I can’t qualify love that way. To me love cannot be quantified. To me when I’m in love with someone and I love her, it’s because I feel completely different as a human being since I’ve met them. They inspire me to be the best possible person I can be. I am brought to places emotionally and spiritually that I cannot explain or define.

With my last relationship I genuinely felt so completely at home that I never thought it would end. I had no worries. No doubts. Everything just clicked. To me, when we met, it was as if we’d been together before. No crazy nervousness. No overpowering fears. It just felt right. She felt like home.

Perhaps I fucked up because I was honest about that. I was honest in feeling so comfortable and at ease that I wasn’t full of nervous energy. I didn’t have constant butterflies in my stomach. To me I just felt so sure that I didn’t question anything. Maybe I just view a strong connection when I feel it vastly differently than other people. I see the sexual attraction and chemistry and tension, but then I feel the absolute comfort of being at peace because to me everything clicked and finally made sense.

Maybe I didn’t make her feel special enough because I didn’t lie and say I still felt all nervous and giddy when we kissed. I don’t lie. I can’t lie. I told the truth. I found her incredibly attractive. I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame, but I wasn’t afraid to lose her. I was overly confident she was my life partner and I guess that burned me in the end.

I know there is a time and place for the nerves and butterflies…and I felt that with her…I just was awash more with that sense of, *sigh* finally, that I obviously hurt her more than I realized.

All I can do now is continue to heal and learn from all of this. It’s going to be a long process. As much as I have always felt I am built and made for a committed relationship, I seem to be pretty terrible at them. I date a woman, and it always seems like they leave me and are very quickly in a deeply committed and successful relationship with someone else. It’s hard not to feel discouraged. It’s hard not to feel like a rebound or a stepping stone or practice round for people. This is why I end up staying single for so long and so often.

I also genuinely am not sure how to really meet compatible quality people. I can certainly go out with groups of different people like I did last night and fit in well – I’ve always had that ability to adapt to my surroundings – but it’s not something I want, need, or like to do all the time. I would much rather spend my weekends running quick errands, making and eating good food, watching movies, binge watching shows, reading, listening to music, playing with my furry children and relaxing. Throw in the occasional hockey game or dinner and movie out, or ordering a UFC bout, and I’m a content person.

Yeah, I may be “boring” and “lazy”, but at least I’m honest about it. I’m never going to be one to all of a sudden start running marathons or hitting the gym every day. I hate exercise. I’d rather go for a lazy walk or take a quick dip in a pool…but I can be cajoled into doing active things with people. If I’m hanging out with people and there’s volleyball or something going on, I will play – even if I know I’m going to suck. I love the water. I have and will go to a park or beach by myself with a book and headphones just to relax. I used to love getting out on the water when I had friends with boats. The water calms and grounds me. I also love snow – for much the same reason. I’ve been snowboarding and own gear, but it’s been years since I’ve been on a mountain. (I’m not very good, and I have trouble with the lifts, but I still try)

I love my tattoos. I know I’m probably going to get more. I like doing out of the ordinary things with my hair. I don’t care that I’m 33 and some people think I should stop. It’s hair. It grows out. I have a thing for needing to smell good at all times because I sweat a lot – yay medical issues my whole life! I do worry sometimes about how I look because of that too…I tend to dress in layers and choose certain colors to try to hide it…I get embarrassed about it, but I can’t control it.

When it comes down to it, I have a few insecurities when it comes to my body and my health…but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. When I do meet a woman who I’m interested in, I’m honest and up front about it. With my last relationship, she accepted all of it whole-heartedly, without judgement. For the first time I had that extra sense of comfort. Which has made all of this even harder…that thought of will I ever meet someone again who will be as accepting of me?

I really did have my whole future set with her in mind. Every decision I made for almost a year and a half was made for her or with us and our future in mind. I never had any other thought. She was all I thought about. All I talked about. Yesterday I had to explain to someone else that we weren’t together anymore after I was approached to see if she would be able to make a baby blanket. The response was, “I had no idea, you do a very good job hiding your pain. I’m so sorry. I know how much you loved her and how happy you were. She was all you talked about. I remember you showing people here engagement rings.” Then she reminded me that if I could still put a smile on my face for work every day even though I’m going through the amount of pain I must be going through, that I’m a strong person and that this will make me a better person in the long run. I know, in my heart, she’s right, but it’s hard sometimes to remember that.

I become a fool in love. I feel invincible. I feel like my partner and I together can do anything. I do everything I can for her and our future together. I don’t think about contingency plans. It had been a long time since I was really in love. I never felt this way about anyone before…I know that this pain is a direct result of the deepness of love I felt. I just don’t know how long it’s going to take me to not feel betrayed. Even when I do feel better about everything and I want to meet new people…I just really don’t know how I’m going to do it.

I just still feel so lost.

Posted in Life
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Heart Skips Beats…

•January 29, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So…it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve updated. I’ve actually been really sick. My bronchitis was worse than I thought. I just finished up my third course of antibiotics yesterday. I was put on a second course (longer) of steroids, and I still have prescription cough syrup I have needed to take almost daily at work. I’m not entirely certain when my cough will finally go away actually…

More disturbingly, and more importantly – I discovered that I am having issues with my heart. I went to see my doctor as a follow up for why I wasn’t feeling any better and to get my leave of absence paperwork filled out for work, and I decided to tell him all of how I was feeling. Everything. Including how for months I would get a sense of just not feeling right, feeling heavy limbed, and how I would not only get random pains in my chest, but that I was super conscious of my heartbeat.

With the first set of medications I was on (including an albuteral inhaler which I’ve been on before) I was feeling constantly like my heart was beating out of my chest. I was also always cold, sweating profusely, and I was having loss of sensation in my hands and feet.

Well, if I could have taken a picture of my doctor’s face as I was describing my symptoms, I would have. He knows how stubborn I am about seeking medical treatment and asking for help for anything…he’s the one who had to tell me I needed to go see an orthopedic surgeon a week after I broke my hand in the 7th grade to go get it rebroken so it could set and heal properly because I just didn’t want my parents to bring me to a doctor. (Yes, I know that sounds incredibly insane. I’ve never liked doctors and I have a shockingly high pain tolerance…it works out pretty well with my love of tattoos though.)

He listened to my heart with his stethoscope, and immediately called for the PA to bring in an EKG. He repeated the EKG several times. All abnormal. Off the charts abnormal. To the point he was strongly suggesting I not go to work and I take my self to the ER to be on a constant monitor and get chest X-rays to make sure my heart wasn’t enlargened. I was able to convince him that if I felt any worse than I already did I would have someone go to the ER with me, but that since I was terrified I would lose my job if I missed another day of work, I really needed to go back. He only agreed to sign off on the paperwork because my blood pressure was normal. He completely changed all of my meds for the bronchitis and told me to avoid stimulants and stress (uhm, yeah…ok.) as much as possible.

I went back a week later for a follow up EKG. It was better, but still not normal. He wasn’t sure if it still might have been medication related or not. So I went back again a few days after for a 30 minute monitor. 27 minutes were normal. 3 were decidedly not. I go back in a month for another 30 minute monitor. If that one is also not clear, he wants me to wear a 24 hour monitor. I have to go see a cardiologist regardless at this point once I’m feeling better and can exert myself physically without coughing up a lung and have a stress test done. Plus I get to have more blood panels done on a regular basis to monitor my health.

This is already on top of seeing my neurologist for my migraines and my blood work every six months for that, the blood work I need to have in February once I’ve been off birth control for three months to see if my body has stopped producing testosterone and that’s why I completely lost my sex drive, and my annual full blood panels to check my overall health. Keep in mind, over the years various doctors have tested me for just about everything at this point, and I’ve always had no issues show up in my blood. Not even when my appendix burst and I was slowly starting to go into septic shock in the ER when I was 14.

I guess the one good thing out of this whole experience continues to be that I’m learning how to open up to people about what is going on with me. I just haven’t been able to keep this shit locked up inside me. It’s fucking scary. I ignored it for months when I would mention that I just didn’t feel right. Sometimes I would be told it was all in my head, and I started believing it. I started feeling like I was slowly going insane, and it was stressing me out so much. I mean, after the break up, I quit drinking the Monsters cold turkey because I thought they, combined with my emotions, were causing my heart and body to feel the way they were feeling. It still hasn’t helped.

As much as I’m still hurting and feeling like a fool about my relationship…as much as I’m struggling to understand how I could have been so wrong about someone that I thought I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with – it’s almost like none of that really matters now that I’m faced with the potential of a very serious health problem. Part of me wonders if she knew what I was going through right now, what she would say…if she would accuse me of lying about all of this like she did about me having to cancel her engagement ring (that really still stings…no, it wasn’t going to be ready in a day or in a week, but I put a deposit on a main stone and was working with a designer), or if she would maybe stop and realize I wasn’t kidding all those times I tried to articulate that I just didn’t feel right.

One thing is for certain, as much as I hate conflict and I try to avoid arguments and do my best to just compromise and appease people and put others’ concerns and emotions before my own, if I am lucky enough to ever find myself in another relationship again I am going to try so much harder to voice myself and explain myself. That is my regret from this past relationship. That is my lesson. I was so focused on trying to keep things steady and build our future and make all the right decisions for that future together that I didn’t articulate me. I froze up. I forgot how to express my feelings. When I tried and I got interrupted (I tend to take pauses while I gather myself and then continue), I would just basically either shut down, or in my least proud moments react with disdain.

I’m not sure I will ever get over the hurt she caused by saying she thought that for months I may have been cheating. I struggle to articulate internally how that accusation makes me feel even. It disgusts me that someone would ever think that of me. I am physically revolted by it. The suggestion stabs through me like a blade. I feel like it was said because she knew me so well that she knew it would be the one thing that would hurt me so deeply that it would crush any love for her in my heart. It didn’t. I still have love for her. I don’t wish her harm or ill will. I can eventually forgive her. I just wish I was respected enough to have the truth. I know that she and I will never be friends. At least not for many, many years. If she even still thinks of me in a decade, who knows. Do I care about her still? Yes. If she was in dire straits and needed help, would I swallow my pride and help her? Most likely, depending on what she needed. I’m not an asshole. I’m not cruel. I do have my limits though.

Yesterday at work, one of my male coworkers and I were in line at the small cafe we have, waiting to pay. I was ahead of him, buying some Vitamin Waters. After I was rung out, he jokingly said I should buy his lunch too. Now, he’s a good guy, and he’d generously listened to me vent about more than a few things over the four years we’ve worked together, so I actually pulled my card out and wordlessly started to hand it over to pay for his food. He got upset a little that I would actually buy his meal. He assured me he was joking, and I told him I knew he was, but I didn’t mind, I like doing nice things for people. He told me he knows I’m one of the few genuinely nice people out there that does put other people before myself, but maybe I need to take a step back and evaluate if this has been to my detriment.

He’s been about the tenth or eleventh person in the past two months that have told me pretty much the same thing. They can see that I really am a genuinely good, nice person…but I need to stop putting everyone else ahead of me so much. And I do. All the time. I always have. If someone I care about needs or wants something, I’ll take care of it, no questions asked. Very rarely do I ask for anything in return. When I have eventually asked for something or felt slighted or felt myself being resentful towards someone, I’m always terribly awkward about it and I don’t know how to react or how to express myself. A very common undercurrent.

I definitely need to keep writing more. The more I write, the more I feel able to get this shit out and actually say it. Writing things down makes them feel less scary somehow. Maybe someday I’ll meet a woman who gets my need to stop and pause and then speak…maybe she’ll stumble upon my writing and won’t think I’m some messed up individual for being afraid of failure and for having such a difficult time sharing my fears and asking for a shoulder or a hug or for help. Maybe she won’t find it weird that I’m 33 and struggle to have any sort of relationship with either parent because I’ve never had a healthy relationship with either of them my whole life.

Maybe she won’t care that I’m 33 and I still do silly shit like have sparkly gauged plugs and cut my hair into a faux hawk again because this is how I felt most confident before. Maybe she’ll think it’s adorable that I’m essentially a functioning introvert who spends 40 hours a week talking on the phone for a living, so when I’m not at work I appreciate the quiet – even though I can very easily fit in with any crowd and become the life of the party. Maybe she’ll find my extensive vocabulary and random knowledge about abstract subjects a turn on. Who fucking knows! I sure don’t.

If there is one thing I wish I could tell the Universe at large about me though, it’s this: I’m not perfect, but I’m loyal.

(Look at that…I managed to do a lot of articulating this evening despite having a sudden onset migraine at 10AM this morning and sleeping most of the day thanks to my Treximet! Go me!)

Posted in Life, Work
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