Sunny Side Up

•May 19, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Since I have the day off of work with nothing to do and it’s so incredibly gorgeous outside, I’ve decided to perch on my patio with my laptop. Yes, I realize this sounds somewhat insane, but such is my life.

Let’s see…I’ve been promoted in position at work again, but no raise with this one as of yet…though I am hopeful a raise will be forthcoming. So now I handle any and all calls that come through, residential and business, phone, internet and tv-related. So it’s very interesting.

My father’s unemployment completely ran out so now I’m responsible for paying the entire rent, all utilities, all of my bills PLUS all of his. I’ve done the math and I basically have to work overtime to put food on the table…which is not a good feeling.

In other news, there might actually be a couple of women interested in me, but I don’t know yet where I stand as far as interest in them. I’m wicked old-fashioned and I need to really get to know someone before I pursue anything with anybody at this point. I’ve finally learned to be cautious with my heart and my soul. Maybe that makes me incredible boring, but I’m the kind of woman who gives herself fully when I care for another. That kind of gift deserves caution and restraint.

I know if I embark on a relationship with someone, they’re going to need to be as equally responsible as I am, but still know how to have fun – especially on a budget. They need to be able to handle their own lives, but want to share it as well as create a new life with me. They also really need to appreciate the basic, small stuff most people don’t even think about anymore. Trust. Honesty. Respect. Fidelity. They need to be past that point in their life where everything is all fun and games.

They also need to be really open-minded. Especially in bed. But that’s a digression for another time and post.

Yeah, I want a Unicorn…but since I believe I am one of those fabled Unicorns myself, I deserve someone who matches me in all the important ways.

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North Carolina On My Mind

•May 9, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I was planning on coming home from work tonight and continuing upon my post  from earlier, but instead I feel compelled to purge my feelings about what happened in North Carolina today via written words.

My heart is literally aching. Tears began to well up when I got home and started to think on today’s impact.

I am so thankful that I live in Connecticut. That I live in a state where I will be afforded many of the same rights as my heterosexual counterparts should I meet someone (and I know in my heart I will) that I want to spend the rest of my mortal life with. I am so lucky. So incredibly lucky. And I know it.

I can only hope that when I am old and gray and married to my spouse, I will be able to look back on these days and remember that there used to be a time in my life when whom I took to bed and whom I loved mattered so much to people that votes were held to WILLINGLY discriminate against people like me.

North Carolina will certainly lose tourism money, job seekers from the northeast, and university students looking for a fair and open-minded place to expand their horizons. Soon enough parts of this country will just be seen as backwards beyond belief. So congratulations NC for joining Florida and Arizona for helping to set back civil progress a few decades.

And anyone who lives in North Carolina and wants out…come to Connecticut. We will welcome you with open arms, open minds, and open hearts!

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Visualize Part 1

•May 8, 2012 • Leave a Comment

There are a lot of schools of thought that say if you visualize what you want, where you want to be, even who you want to, you will achieve these goals in a remarkable fashion. In these beliefs, it isn’t a matter of knowing the how, it’s just a matter in believing and projecting you with your end goal. We actually used to do this on my high school sports teams, and we were pretty successful, so there is truth in the power of positive thinking.

One of my ongoing goals in life is to become a more focused, positive, thankful person. These next few posts are going to focus in on major parts of my life that I have goals I want to visualize, record, and be able to look at – both as encouragement along my journey, and as a reminder of when I first set out to reach these goals.

So, here goes (and sorry for those of you who don’t follow)!

Health and Body

I am ultimately going to feel comfortable, confident, and sexy in my body. I will wear a bikini without a second thought. I will feel and know that I am healthy and happy and that is what makes me attractive.

I will get all of the dental work I need taken care of. Wisdom teeth will no longer be cracking molars, and poorly done repairs will be re-done and completely invisible. I will be proud of my smile.

I will find a balance between work, play, socialization and exercise.

I will channel negative energy into positive production. I will stop myself from feeling agitated or anxious and use that spark to fuel my ambition and goals instead.

I will clear my mind of all negative energy before I sleep and think of everything in this life I am grateful for instead.

I will smile at adversity.

I will accept compliments and forget denegrations.

I will be trusting, loving, loyal and true.

I will rest easy at night knowing that my positive energy that day will bring positive energy to me in return.

Career and Work

I will find a balance between work and personal time.

I will use my creativity as well as my personality to be successful.

I will love what I do so much that it never feels like work.

My career will be fulfilling from a mental, emotional, and ethical standpoint.

My career will provide me the means and opportunities to travel and experience different cultures and broaden my horizons.

My career will afford me the means to explore many different hobbies and to meet interesting people.

My career will give me more freedom in my personal life.

My career will make life comfortable and enjoyable.

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A Plea

•May 5, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Please help a nice guy beat cancer that started off bad, but rapidly got much worse. They only have $495 left to go for their goal. Please help defray the costs of multiple surgeries and 4 courses of chemotherapy at Sloan-Kettering! Every dollar helps kick cancer’s ass!

http://www.giveforward.com/helpdavekickcancersassfund?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_wall&utm_campaign=vanity_page&og_action=hug#

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Night Moves

•April 20, 2012 • Leave a Comment

image

I need a woman in my life that thinks I’m sexy as hell even when I’m sleepy in glasses, sweatpants and a tank top. =)

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Runaround

•April 15, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Well, what a difference 24 hours can make. Now I can’t even dream for a second about having a social or romantic life. All I can do now is work, and lots of it.

My dad’s unemployment finally ran out. Now I have to pay not only all of my bills, but now all of the rent an utilities, plus his bills too. Still, this hasn’t been a wake up call for him.

I canceled the TV…he was upset. I’m telling him he needs to get food stamps for himself because without me working overtime, I can’t even afford to feed myself now. It doesn’t seem to be sinking in to him.

I need to figure out when my year at the gym is up and cancel my membership again. I need to figure out how to feed myself on around $1-2 a day. My cats are not going to be able to have wet food anymore, only kibble…and I’m going to need to figure out how to afford their annual vet visits.

I hardly slept last night…I’m just too stressed. I called out sick yesterday, using my last, precious hours. I had no choice. I needed to figure shit out. I hardly ate yesterday because of the stress, and I’m sure today will be no better. I need to figure out how much overtime I can work without dying and without screwing myself with taxes by working too much.

I also need to stop seeing my chiropractor. I’m literally only going to be able to afford to drive to and from work, and make a stop on the way to or from for foodstuffs and for quarters to do laundry.

Seems so silly that a day or two ago I was fretting about my abilities to be in a relationship, and here I am now, honestly worried about putting food in my mouth. Just goes to show again how quickly things change.

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Contemplation

•April 14, 2012 • Leave a Comment

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Feel It In My Bones

•April 14, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m full of myself. Maybe I’m ridiculous. I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I’m sure others would disagree.

Maybe I’m just not meant to date again. Maybe not yet…maybe not ever.

What I do know is this; I need to be attracted and intrigued by someone on multiple levels for anything to happen. I need to be intellectually stimulated, physically attracted, and I need to feel an emotional pull. Feel it in my bones.

It seems as though these three things are so much harder to stumble into now that I have been alone and isolated for so long. Maybe this is a good thing…a blessing in disguise…because everyone who knows me can attest that I let myself get involved with too many horribly wrong people; and often simply just because they displayed an interest in me.

My, how the times have changed.

I guess I finally grew up. Or just got fed up with wasting my time and energy on people who didn’t matter after a few weeks or maybe a couple of months. I feel the need now to take things slow and see what develops. No more running around like an idiot trying to impress someone or trying to make them see I’m damn loveable. Nope. I want to take a more laid back approach…which means establishing a friendship first if possible.

If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past 15 years of dating women, it’s that I can’t always rely upon my first impression of someone. Yes, sometimes my gut instinct within the first 5 minutes is dead on, but I’ve also been proven wrong. I’ve started out not finding someone physically attractive at all, and then later on decide to give it a chance, and a kiss has just awakened the attraction in me. Of course, the opposite has also happened, where I’ve found someone attractive and then they open their mouths and are as dumb as rocks and I lose interest faster than the Titanic sank.

Point being, I’ve been making strides with being less and less judgemental right out of the gate. Sometimes my first impressions have held, sometimes they haven’t. I really hope others will give me that chance moving forward as well…for as much as I feel bad about shooting someone down the other night, I know I gave them and the situation every possible chance to develop beyond my initial thoughts 7 weeks ago…and I feel good about knowing I was honest and forthcoming every step along the way.

Now I’m just left wondering if maybe I’m just emotionally shut down completely, or if this stretch of time alone has just left me both wary of others and very particular. And well, I suppose another year and a half of celibacy and spending the nights alone won’t kill me.

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Never Underestimate…

•April 13, 2012 • Leave a Comment

…your gut. I wasn’t feeling anything emotional for someone, even though we get along well and I knew she liked me…and after tonight I was completely honest with her that I just have no emotions the way she does for me.

I feel like a jerk for being honest, but I had to do what was right for me.

I guess time will tell if a friendship can be salvaged.

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My Heart Skips A Beat

•April 9, 2012 • Leave a Comment

So…more of my exes and friends (and other people I randomly know) either have recently gotten married or are going to soon. Those of them that are already married, lots of them are having kids.

I really made a giant fuck-up of my life the past 12 years or so. Too many poor decisions. Too much trying to gain the love of others who wanted to just change me. Too much putting my all into everything and everyone else I possibly could.

I feel sometimes like I’m in a broken down jalopy on the side of a dusty west Texas country road, and no one sees me as they fly by.

People at work who’ve been miserable about love and sex and relationships for a long time suddenly are dating people or at least making out and having sex…

…and then there’s me. With my ridiculous lesbian fiction full of handsome, strong, romantic women who sweep their lovers completely off of their feet and ask questions later. Reading these books stirs things within my heart – makes me realize I’m not completely lost inside.

Thing is though…I don’t know how to translate my hopefulness into practical usage.

I joked last night with a friend that I’m chickenshit now. Chickenshit for two reasons. I’m afraid I wont feel ANYTHING if I sleep with or kiss someone…and conversely I’m afraid I will feel all too much.

There’s someone who is somewhat interested in me…thinks me attractive even…but I just have no idea what to do. I’ve gotten so used to being in this holding pattern when it comes to my personal life for so long I just can’t seem to act. Cue the aforementioned chickenshitness.

We’ve hung out. We have a bunch in common but lead our own lives for sure. Our vastly different schedules have the built-in buffer of not affording the ability to do that whole cliched lesbian merger thing – we would be lucky at this point to go on one date a week. We flirt outrageously via texts. We both seem willing to do nice things for one another without being asked…yet I’m still not sure if the things that have been locked away within will emerge without causing havoc. I’m still sort of struggling with the fact that I used to be her boss, and we seem to have different ideas about stability and where each of us individually sees ourselves being even 6 months from now.

Part of me feels that right there is enough of a reason to not test it. I know I’m not in any position financially, career-wise, or location-wise to want to even hint at the idea of picking up and moving everything out boredom. A big part of me would hate to stifle someone else because I’m not really able to just pick up my life and go somewhere else.

Maybe I crave stability too much.

Part of me feels like I owe it to myself to give it a go and just hope she understands my deep-water Scorpio self, and know that while I do not wish to change anyone, I can’t do the whole self-sacrifice and jump when a lover says how high.

I don’t even know if we’d be good as lovers. I don’t know anything.

I know that I still have this idea in my head of what love and romance should be…and I know that I’m not sure if I could discern the signs or not.

Friends have told me to get drunk and ‘get it in’ and get back in the saddle…I’m unsure about that too. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want to get hurt. I never want to hurt anyone…and when it’s happened, I’ve felt like the biggest asshole alive.

Maybe I’ve just read too many books, and I just want to be wooed and feel my heart skip a beat when the phone rings in anticipation of someone’s call. I’ve felt that before…I’ve felt it and felt the earth-shattering pain of it not being a mutual feeling.

I think too much now. A few years ago I wouldn’t have hesitated to jump at someone who showed interest. Or maybe I’ve just grown…but nothing makes falling asleep and waking up alone any easier. I feel isolated by my needs and desires and my unwillingness to compromise anymore when it comes to being happy.

I just want someone to make me feel special and to grow with on the mutual path to happiness and fulfillment…but does anyone out there see things the way I do or have the same needs and desires for life anymore?

It’s been another long night of internal dialogue…I should really try to rest my weary head and get some sleep.

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