Chuckle
•April 2, 2012 • Leave a CommentJust got an inspiration…just thoughts…posted them as a little snippet on Facebook. Feels good to know the creative juices haven’t left my body…I used to have such a way with words.
Perhaps this is all part of the process of coming out of my shell again?
I still don’t know what to make of the afore-mentioned situation…especially not after the admission on her part that she’s likely to pick up and move across country at any time. I’m just not that kind of spontaneous.
I need stability in my life. I need to know I will have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, my cats are taken care of, and that I have a job that will pay my bills. I know it sounds terribly boring, but those are just my priorities.
Sex and love and travel and all of that are just secondary…not that I don’t want these things also. I do. Very much so…but I can’t see myself enjoying travel without truely being able to afford the time and the expenses.
Someday I will look back on my life at 30 and I will just…
What The Hell
•March 30, 2012 • Leave a CommentI really don’t know what my fucking deal is. I mean, really. How long have I been saying I want to be in a healthy relationship that’s based on an actual friendship and not just sex. I want to be a part of something that lasts longer than a couple of weeks or months. I want to be with someone who has their shit together.
Well, there’s now someone interested in me that probably would qualify for all of those, and I know she’s interested and I don’t know how I feel yet. She’s already told me she has feelings for me, and I feel like a douchebag because I don’t know if I do or not. We’ve hung out 4 times in 5 weeks. Its not like the interactions are uncomfortable or anything…but nothing physical has happened and I’m pretty sure she really wants something to happen – I just don’t know that I’m there.
The crazy part is we’ve had conversations that lead me to believe that if the passion were to be there, she would probably be really good for me as far as the physical goes. But so far, there hasn’t been any instant physical attraction on my part.
I’ve been thinking maybe its because once upon her time I used to be her boss and I put her in a separate part of my brain because of that, and never found her attractive when I was. I’m so used to just relying on instant twinges to guide me on things, but let’s face it – everytime I’ve been instantly attracted to someone it hasn’t been good for me.
Maybe I’m only attracted to trouble? Because let me tell you, I’ve definitely had sex with and/or dated people less in shape or attractive than she is. Maybe I’ve just shut off that part of myself for so long now I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m also trying really hard to keep this neutral just in case nothing happens, because I could really use more friends.
Maybe I’m just afraid of the consequences if I try this and it blows up. I’ve been there before where I’ve kissed someone and there just wasn’t any spark…and sometimes you just don’t know until you try it…but then its too late to not have things be really fucking awkward.
I’m sure last night was really awkward. I’m pretty sure she wanted a kiss to happen. I’m pretty sure everyone who has the inclination to even have an opinion would say I should have done so…but I didn’t. It just didn’t flow into me that it was a good time to try to see if it would tell me more about how I feel.
I mean, I had a couple thoughts of resting my head on her lap while we watched a movie and chatted, but I quickly pushed those aside, because that was just a giant leap, and probably really inappropriate.
I’m really not good with situations where someone is outwardly interested in me. No one has been interested in me first in a really long time. I feel like the vast majority of my intimate interactions have been me convincing the other person to give me a chance. Not that I’m saying I enjoy chasing after someone or playing games…because I don’t. And I’m afraid that it seems like I’m playing a game right now.
I’m not trying to. I’m trying to figure this shit out.
I’m so fucking out of practice with all of this. I spent so much time thinking about what I want in a potential partner that now I’m just useless with actual one on one interaction. I feel like I owe it to her and the universe for being interested in me…but at the same time I know how much it fucking sucks to get hurt, and I’m loathe to potentially hurt someone else.
And I’m loathe to put myself into something where I don’t know if I’ll get what I need.
Writing Veins
•March 7, 2012 • 2 CommentsI want to start really writing again…putting pen to paper and letting it all flow, blood to ink…the way I used to. The way I used to before my passioned pen and prose got me into trouble. Before the word intense became four-letter and not simply innuendo. Before sky became ground and I questioned my reflection.
I have this, of course, but more importantly I have blank pages of parchment beckoning. Spaces calling out for some soul. Just as with music, the pull of artistic expression in all her wile is pursuing me, haunting me.
Create!
I have, with food, but that no longer feels enough. Maybe its the free flow of connections with creative, artistic people that have been an influx in my life this past year. Maybe its the yen to free myself from the societal norms for behavior. Demure, I am not…yet I’ve lived a virtual hermit in a sea of ever whirling currents of thought, desire, need.
Some things will make the leap from ink to bytes – this is inevitable – so I will be sharing tantalizing tidbits for those whose interests I’ve piqued. Fair warning; my mind is not a PG-13 film…future perusal will be at your own risk…
As always, I welcome and accept comment and criticisms alike. Please, do not be shy!
I dare both of us…
Push & Pull
•February 23, 2012 • Leave a CommentSometimes I feel like I must be one of the most boring people alive…I feel like I live a small life. But then I have this rich, vivd imagination and it pulls at me, almost daring me to make my real life that bold…that daring…and say fuck it to all else.
You’d have thought having a fucking carcinoma removed would’ve kick-started me into a different direction…and I sort of did, in a very typically me fashion. I jumped into a huge tattoo from hip to knee about my love of food – and then I find out I have to change my whole diet for at least six months to try and quell my constant loss of voice. Yeah, very me. I take a step forward, then something crops up to try and force me twelve steps back.
I recently gave in to my curiousity about firing a weapon. A coworker took me to the range and let me fire seven of his weapons. Apparently, I’m a natural shot, and I fell in love with firing his bolt-action .22 rifle. So much so that once my current medical bills are paid off, I’m planning on buying my own rifle and scope and hitting the range to hone my newfound skill. So now when people ask what I’m good at, I can be semi-serious when I say ‘Hitting the bullseye over and over from at least 100 feet!’.
I also just started a promotion at my job that actually pays more than the job I lost in the fall of 2010…in a little over a year I’ve bounced back with my income, and it has been based solely on my performance and my grey matter. You’d think that would be an acheivement worth celebrating, but while I was happy about it, I still got a lot of push-back from people because I still don’t have a college degree. One step forward, something trying to push me 12 steps back.
Now that I’ve been at this company for almost a year, more questions are being raised about my personal life. So far I haven’t perceived any issues about my identifying as a lesbian…but I’ve had a lot of questions about why I don’t talk about a partner or hanging out with friends or my home life in general. Nothing like being put on the spot about lackluster areas of your life! I just respond with that I’ve been single for a long time (my last serious, long-term relationship ended five years ago), and while I’ve seen people here and there, I just haven’t met the right person yet. I try to avoid talking about how I’m 30 and live with my unemployed father or the fact that I’m just not into the typical scenes around here that I could potentially meet someone in. I’m just not the party type. I can’t really dance – even though I love dance and house music. I was never a very big drinker – the amount I did put away sometimes when I would go to a club scared me -and now I can’t have a drop of alcohol again until at least July. I don’t play sports. I’m just not the jock type – although I fucking love athletic women. I’m not super activisty. I support various efforts, but I haven’t yet been inspired to go picket or protest for any reason. To sum it up, I feel like I’m a terribly boring homosexual.
And forget online dating. I officially gave that up a year ago. It just never worked well for me. I would be really honest because that’s who I am, and I would give others the benefit of the doubt that they too were being as honest, and I was just always seriously disappointed. Everytime someone suggests I try online dating, I just want to scream.
Others have suggested that I come to an arrangement with someone strictly for casual sex since I am not meeting anyone to have a romance or relationship with. While I’m not bothered by that suggestion, and I’ve certainly had my share of that kind of dalliance in the last 15 years, I’m just not sure that’s the path I want or need to go down…let alone knowing where I could seek such an arrangement or how to negotiate one. I’m just horribly awkward when it comes to these things. I’ve never been good about talking about my sexual needs. Ever. I mean, I would love to just put it out there that I’m an in the middle (butch/femme-wise) woman with a strong personality who can get appropriately aggressive, but who just really wants to be fucked good and long by someone who knows what they’re doing with hands and mouth and detachable appendages and who loves a woman that can female ejaculate often and a lot…but that’s rather difficult and cumbersome to try to explain.
Besides, I haven’t been kissed in well over a year, let alone anything else…baby steps. Though I have to admit I sometimes wonder and doubt if I will ever be kissed again. The longer I go without even seeing someone I’m attracted to, the more it seems that part of my life is just doomed. Its something I need to come to terms with fully. I mean, I’m obviously ok being alone. I’m not depressed or anything of the sort. I do things that I enjoy, and I’ve learned to go to the movies or out to eat alone…that doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve just always seen myself as the marrying type, and I know how much more I come alive when I have someone I care about in that way. I also know I tend to invest way more of myself into a relationship and another person quicker than anyone I know. I’m very much an all or nothing person when it comes to that side of life. I’m very intense. I feel intensely. I’m very passionate about expressing my feelings. I am a fierce and loyal lover…but I am quick to sniff out betrayals and I react just as strongly. I have strong opinions about certain things and I know what I don’t like. I don’t mix well with people who want to change me. I feel like I’m very honest and up front about who I am, and I hate feeling like people just assume that they can change innate parts of me to make me more to their liking for a relationship. I’m never going to be the butch breadwinner, and I feel like that’s where a lot of people (friends and lovers) have tried to categorize me in their minds.
Maybe that’s a big reason why I just don’t have many people I physically do things with anymore. Its not that I’m anti-social…believe me, I’m a very sociable person…but more I’m just weary of having to try to be the person other people expect me to be. I don’t have anyone in my life I can just sit next to and say things I’m thinking. Everytime I think I do, I let loose an opinion or thought and then get strange looks or other negative reactions, and I know not to go there anymore.
I don’t think I’m that different or radical of a person. I know there are plenty of other people out there like me…I just don’t know where they are.
Challenges
•February 12, 2012 • Leave a CommentI know it’s been a long time since I’ve updated this…I guess I’ve had a lot going on and on my mind lately.
First things first…I got a promotion at work, ended up needing physical therapy for my hip, and had several biopsies as well as had the basal cell carcinoma completely removed from my shoulder. The really good news is that my other biopsies came back negative and I’ve already finished my physical therapy.
I also ended up losing my voice again and had to go see two different specialists…who both promptly determined after scooping me that my vocal cords were being damaged by acid and that I have silent reflux. So basically my whole diet was changed overnight…and it’s been a challenge.
There is more I want to write, but I don’t have time right now…more later.
…Numb…
•December 22, 2011 • 1 CommentTrying really hard to stay positive and not jump to too many conclusions right now, but that’s hard.
Just need to keep a clear head and wait for the referrals to specialists to come through and see what the tests all say.
Go to the Dr for a lost voice and mention (in writing nonetheless) a couple of things that were bothering me, and end up getting examined and told point blank I definitely have a fast-growing and aggressive Basal Cell Carcinoma on my shoulder (I did research…they’re supposed to be extremely slow-growing) and my persistent hip bone pain could be something more than just shitty joints.
I have had cancer scares before. I had moles removed in high school and tested and everything came back OK. A few years ago the Drs were all scared I had a brain tumor. I skate through that one too.
But not this time. The Dr had absolutely no trepidation in telling me what the weird, painful, lumpy growth on my shoulder that wasn’t there 2 weeks ago and is now roughly the size of a dime is BCC. Then he had me take off my shirt and went from looking very matter of fact to concerned.
Apparently my dislike for going to the Dr when I don’t feel right is biting me in the ass again. The hip thing has been going on for almost 2 years, getting steadily worse. And I know I’ve had a lot of moles and weird lumpy spots pop up in the past 6 months alone. I was fully planning on continuing to ignore both, but the voracity with which I went from being OK to being voiceless (in under 10 hours) pressed a warning button somewhere inside me.
Now I have biopsies and skin excisions and X-rays to look forward to in the coming weeks.
I’m hoping by some miracle the specialist says only the one on my shoulder is bad.
And I’m hoping I have a voice so I’m able to go back to work on Saturday.
Lick Your Wounds…
•December 18, 2011 • 5 CommentsSwallowing my pride. Acknowledging that I am not happy with where I am personally or professionally. Sucking it up and admitting that I need to stop hoping for anything more from 2011 and just look ahead to 2012.
2012.
Man. I really thought things would be different heading into it. I thought for sure I would at least have been on a date in 2011. Nope. Not a one. No dates. No kisses. No lingering glances. Nada.
People I’ve become friends with this year find this really hard to believe. Some have tried to make some helpful suggestions. I’ve politely explained that I’ve tried online dating. I explain that clubs and bars are just not my thing as far as meeting anyone. It’s even been suggested that I try speed dating. That one I’m actually considering, though I’m not sure how a 30 year old who looks 20 with a big, bleached white mohawk and tattoos would really go over at a speed date. Well, not in CT anyway.
Maybe I shouldn’t think about being alone and lonely…but it’s so hard this time of year when that seems to be what everyone else is excited about. And this time of year absolutely should be all about sharing and creating memories with loved ones. I’ve been alone, relationship-wise for the bulk of the past 5 years. I guess this year it’s just harder with the collapse of my relationship with my mother.
My big wish, moving forward, for 2012 is that someone out there takes a chance on me. Looks past the hair and the tattoos and the (most often) guy’s clothes and sees me. Sees the passionate, adorkable, sweet, romantic woman I am. Sees that while presents are nice, it’s the shared meals and quiet moments that mean the most. Sees that I’m not as rough and gruff as I’m sure my appearance warrants. Sees that I may not have stuffed coffers, but that I do have a heart of gold. Sees that I am an amazingly loyal and emotionally honest individual who somehow manages to see the good in everything I possibly can.
Oh, and they see that even if I don’t know a lot about something, or how to make a favorite dish, I am more than willing to learn…because life and love are all about growing, learning and exploring.
So, there it is. My holiday/end of year wish. Just for someone to take a chance and strike up a conversation. I know all of the people who I am friendly with who think I’m pretty awesome can’t be all wrong.
…Thanks…
•November 24, 2011 • Leave a CommentI’ve never really had anything resembling a ‘traditional’ Thanksgiving experience…my parents and I would just eat plates of food in front of the TV for twenty minutes and then break off and do our own things…but this year is the first year I’ve spent it completely alone. In a way, it has been kind of a nice day. In a way, it’s just a mirror held up to my life.
Being alone is just one of those things that is about my life. Between the socially awkward and toxic parents who are no longer together and the disintegration of all things familial on both sides of the tree and the utter ridiculousness that has happened over the years that has caused most who’ve known my nuclear unit as it were to not want anything to do with my parents…lets just say being their child didn’t make me a popular person.
Part of that is my fault too and I know it. I’ve never been able to make and maintain strong ties with anyone…insert inherited social issues here…let alone get anyone to really see me for who I am. People have always chosen to see certain aspects of me, or assumed things about me, and well…when you don’t match their expectations…
There are a few people though that see more than just what’s on the inside. Now that I’m 30 it seems I’m able to just be me and certain people appreciate that. People are starting to see that I am a pretty accepting and understanding person, and all I want in life is to also be accepted and understood.
I’m never going to be that person I’ve pretended to be to make other people happy. None of those incantations of a being are who I am. But they are all facets of me. Just as is every person who’s been in my life. They’ve all taught me something in their own way.
I will never be perfect…we are born imperfect, afterall. It’s true. Each of us is born with what amounts to be an aneurysm somewhere in our bodies. Something to do with cord blood and clotting…I forget the specifics. At any point in time, every last soul on this Earth could sneeze and burst a blood vessel, or lay our heads down for a nap and never awake.
I like this example for a few reasons. I used it before mostly as a comeback to the religious nutjobs who like to tell me I can be saved or changed, that being gay is an abomination. It’s a bit more of a pushback to the whole “God makes everything perfect’ diatribe. Well, beyond the obvious shove in the face that if they take the Bible literally and ‘God’ creates everyone in his image, then ‘God’ is obviously black, Jewish, Muslim, homosexual, transgendered, physically and mentally disabled, a woman and a sinner.
Nothing and no one is ever perfect. Everything in life has flaws. It’s being able to see and accept those flaws that make people and things ‘perfect’ to someone.
I don’t believe in perfection. I believe in acknowledging imperfection. I believe in being myself, scars and all. I believe that there are people in this world who can and will love and accept me for who I am, where I’ve come from, and who I am going to become. I know this because I treat others this way. Well, I try really hard to anyway.
Which is why it’s hard to know I’ve had to write off my mother. I know I can’t respond to any of her manipulative, guilt-tripping missives. She made her choices in life, and losing the connection with me is one of many consequences she will need to face.
In all honesty, I’ve never really felt like I’ve had a ‘family’…we were always just people living together, and I just happened to share genetic material with the both of them. There are few happy memories…and I’m not even sure the ones I have are real or if over the years I convinced myself they were happy so that I wouldn’t feel so bad about my childhood and teenage years.
I’m just thankful I made it to 30. I’m alive. I’ve risen from the ashes of a lifetime of failures and I’m here. I’m ready to try, try again.
One of these chances, it’s going to work. One of these years, I’ll be sharing happy news of engagements, nuptuals, maybe even pregnancies…one of these years I won’t feel like life has passed me by.
One of these years I will have a family of my own…even if they are only friends…and I will have a ‘proper’ Thanksgiving with something to celebrate. One of these years I won’t be thankful on my own.
Naked 