F*ck The Nay-Sayers

•November 17, 2011 • 3 Comments

So some people who’ve found this little blog of mine love it, others have cautioned me privately that it might ruin my chances of finding someone special…because obviously if you have opinions and aren’t afraid to talk about certain “unmentionable” subjects, obviously you aren’t capable of being loved. Most of the people who have read this blog have done so without comment.

Which I find interesting. Even moreso when I see how many hits I may get in a day. 3 views of each and every post I’ve written tells me that people do find what I have to say intriguing enough to read the blog in its entirety…but they apparently aren’t brave enough to comment.

And I do want comments. Good. Bad. Indifferent.

Even if you are of the opinion that by my honesty, I am condemning myself to a solitary life.

I’m not, by the by. Like my tattoos, my honesty is a pretty good way to weed out people who I probably shouldn’t invest too much time or emotion in.

This is not to say that when I am in a relationship again, I am going to blab every little detail. I won’t. I never have, and I never will.

Someday, the right person will appreciate every last thing about me, flaws, cracks and all…and that is what keeps me going. The knowledge that someday I will find real, lasting love.

Because I deserve it.

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My Bitchin’ Wing Sauce/Spicy Chicken Marinade

•November 12, 2011 • Leave a Comment

The following is one of my many thrown together recipes. I have no formal culinary training, just a passion for food and good beer (and way too much Food Network viewings to not have picked up some ideas!).

My Bitchin’ Wing Sauce/Spicy Chicken Marinade:

OK, so I usually make only enough for about 8 chicken tenders/12-15 wings (boneless as well), so you can scale up from here;

2 tbsp whole butter

1-2 cloves garlic, minced or pressed (depending on size, you can also use about a tsp of pre-minced from a jar)

1/8 tsp fresh cracked peppercorns

1 oz water

1 1/2 oz vinegar based cayenne sauce (brand isn’t important, store brand works just as good as Frank’s or Tabasco)

1/8 tsp polvo de chili powder (I use Badia because there’s a huge latin foods section in my local grocer)

1 tsp light agave nectar (or to taste)

squeeze fresh lime juice (lemon will work, but I prefer the taste of lime with spice)

Heat on low in small pot; begin with butter and garlic, add water, cayenne sauce and chili powder, simmer 5-6 mins, then add cracked peppercorns, lime juice and agave nectar to taste. Cool slightly and toss with chicken implements of your choice!

Side note: I love garlic, so I tend to be a little heavy-handed with it in recipes…feel free to scale back if you’re not into the garlic as much! Enjoy!

Posted in Food, Life, Uncategorized
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Fade Into You…

•November 11, 2011 • 2 Comments

I currently am sporting a basically white mohawk right now. Yep. My hair bleaches out that light. I cannot wait to go and get my license renewed bright and early tomorrow morning and then I am going to try to dye the hawk in stripes…or chunks. Alternating between the firey red I did in September and the aqua I did for October. We’ll see how that comes out, since I’m doing it solo, one-handed in a mirror!

Today was a bust. I totally forgot that it was a federal holiday before I left my apartment this morning to go to the DMV. I didn’t realize it until I drove past the DMV and then I made my way over to AAA…only to find that they were also closed. Wicked bummer. At least I have tomorrow and Monday to still get it done before I face a penalty fine.

So today is 11.11.11. A day that feels like it should bring magic. A day that feels like my magic should shine…

I feel like my magic should shine through every day. I hope that it does. I hope that by trying to stay positive and do whatever I can to help others and offer positive thoughts and words of hope and encouragement to others, eventually my actions and thoughts will reflect back onto me in the future.

I believe in making my destiny, because you can change your tomorrow by how you live today…but I also believe in a sort of divine destiny as well. I believe in the idea that fate can intervene to teach you lessons or lift your spirits.

Maybe I’m just being overly introspective because my birthday is Monday, and I’m not yet where I always thought I would be. I want to put it out to the Universe that I am ready for amazing things to happen in my life. I am ready, willing, and able to continue learning and living…and most of all, loving!

Bring it on!

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Mad World

•November 7, 2011 • 1 Comment

So I guess my mom’s stint in Atlanta with the guy she met online was a bust. She sent me a card saying she was coming back to CT. So far she hasn’t asked my dad to let her move back in, and I’m not sure if she did what he would say. She had nothing left here as far as things. My dad had me sell her car, and I donated all of the clothes and shoes she left behind to the GoodWill. She apparently knows all of this. She definitely knows about the car situation.

She feels like she made a mistake and she wants another chance with my dad…which…I just don’t know.

They are not good for each other. The lying, cheating, deceit, betrayal…just every little thing about their marriage to me has always felt bad. Like a farce of a marriage. I get that they originally got married because she got pregnant. Kudos to them for staying together through the miscarriage and for deciding to try to have kids. I wouldn’t be here without that.

I’m just astonished that with all that I’ve learned about both of my parents throughout my life and especially the last year, that all of this has gone down. Never in a million years did I think my mom would have the gumption to leave my dad. I was blown away that she threw away her family connections to pick up and move to Atlanta for a man she met online. I’m even more blown away with the way that she did it. I always thought I had such a good relationship with my mom. A far better one than with my dad anyway. I guess I just never thought she would lie to me like this. Yes, it’s my parent’s life, but even though I’m turning 30 in a week, what they do still has an effect on me.

I’ve chosen not to respond to my mom’s missive. Maybe that’s childish to some, but I know how quickly it would turn into her trying to blame me for things. That’s how she operates. That’s how both of them operate. Neither one knows how to apologize or admit that they were wrong. They always look to shovel the blame off on someone else.

For far too many years I shouldered a lot of everything from the two of them.

Who would have thought six months ago even that I would be here in this position. I’m sharing an apartment with my dad, and it’s not that bad beyond having to take control of the bills to make sure they get paid on time and having him eat my food (nothing new there really) and getting on him to look for a job. He needs my help with the bills, and I haven’t gotten promoted yet and don’t yet make enough money yet to get another place on my own again, so I’m making it work. He stays out of my business and doesn’t question if I’m not home right after work. I haven’t had a chat with him about bringing someone over if I end up seeing someone while I’m still here, but I’m tentatively hopeful he would be ok with that as well.

He knows how blown away I was that my mom lied to me so badly. He knows that I was used to that from him, and it completely blind-sided me. He also has really tried to not fall into his old habits, and the one time he got drunk, he didn’t come home until he knew 100% I was asleep. I have to give him credit for that.

Things could be a lot worse, and I know it. I am thankful for what I do have. I miss my mom, but at the same point, she did this, not me.

I am grateful for so much in my life. There are things and people I still want for my future, but I’m not foolish enough to get so focused on who and what I don’t have. I know the best way to achieve everything is to stay positive and be thankful each and every day for what I have now.

Someday I’ll have a warm home of my own, shared with a wonderful, loving partner, and we’ll have this wonderful friendship, partnership and sexy/steamy/erotic as hell private life. Being smart and witty and decently good-looking will be seen as assets, and I won’t be underestimated because I have a baby face or tattoos or can come across a tad aloof because I’m sometimes quietly observant.

No one should underestimate anyone. Life and people are full of surprises. I know people are constantly surprised and somewhat challenged by things I say and ideas or feelings I express. One only needs to look back through previous posts, and I’m fairly certain at least one thing might be a little shocking.

There is a week until my 30th birthday. While it’s likely to pass with little recognition and zero fanfare, it is a milestone of sorts. I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot in my 20s. Angered some people and was left heartbroken by more. Fell flat on my face, got back up to my knees and got knocked down again.

But I’ve never given up. I will never give up. I know in my heart life does not have to be such a struggle to find the good in it.

I have faith that the good will find me.

I have hope it will be soon.

 

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NSFW – And If I Need To Explain That One To You…

•October 23, 2011 • 4 Comments

OK, So I know it’s coming a few days late, but I did want to take some time to write a thoughtful post about something very near and dear to my heart. The lesbian sex act deemed so obscene, it cannot be shown on film and be sold within the US, or the publishers of such works will 100% face prosecution.

What could be so awful that it can’t be shown on film? What is this forbidden act? Is it strap-on anal? Nope. Piss play? Nada. It’s actually something I consider to be quite tame and very, very satisfying in a physical, mental and especially emotional way.

Fisting.

Yep. You read that right. Fisting will get porn producers in a shit-ton of trouble. And for you gay boys out there, you might call it hand-balling.

The simple act of wanting a more full connection between partners…an ultimately deeply trusting connection…is enough to get cuffs slapped on (Not in the good way!).

Obscenity laws still really suck. As was pointed out in many posts about the topic during International Fisting Day (October 21st, mark your calendars for next year!), it’s perfectly legal to depict a woman being spit-roasted, with a cock in her mouth, one in her pussy and two or more in her ass. But, to show a performer tucking their thumb in and slide her hand satisfyingly into her lover’s quim (I fucking love that word) is reason to panic.

Now, I will admit to having freaked out a partner or several by my request to have this act performed, and I know maybe to some people it really is an odd sex act, but I find it no more bizzare than my hetero friends find letting their male partners ejaculate inside of them. To me its a natural progression in the art of lesbian (and sometimes in my case trans/gender neutral friendly) love-making.

There are a few sex acts I consider expressions of trust and a deeper emotional connection. For me personally, performing oral sex on someone is a huge one. As is allowing someone deeply inside me with their whole hand. The last in the trifecta is the use of sex toys and/or strap-ons…and that one is more because of my admittedly limited experience with them.

Anyone can ‘fingerbang’ (as one of my straight guy friends like to call it) their sex partner, but it takes a serious level of trust, patience, and a whole lot of being turned way the fuck on to accomplish something as wonderful as taking your lover’s hand inside of you, or feeling yourself welcomed into your lover’s body. No, it’s not an everyday activity, nor an every partner one…to me anyway. But it certainly isn’t more strange than Japanese pee and orgasm torture porn or pony play or scat queens.

I certainly don’t feel it warrants such obscenity scrutiny.

Oh, and another thing…for you skeptics out there who are sure it’s really painful and destroys your honey-pot (another term I love!), it doesn’t and it doesn’t.

I urge anyone who had an ‘Ew that’s fucking gross’ reaction to this post, to stop and swallow your fear. Who knows, maybe this will embolden someone to have their partner trim their nails, pull out the lube and slap on a glove!

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My Heart’s A Stereo

•October 7, 2011 • 1 Comment

I just heard that some wannabe rapper has a new song out and some of the lyrics equate love to a prison sentence.

What?!

Nononono…that so doesn’t jibe with my sensibilities at all…and it makes me sad that the song is apparently pretty popular.

Love is NOT a bad thing. A prison sentence certainly is.

Love is one of the few things in life that can elevate you as a human being. There is nothing like knowing you care more about someone else’s happiness than your own. It takes you outside of yourself. Love is possibly the pinnacle of existence.

At least for me anyway.

And it’s not a matter of just loving love or the idea of it. I feel and see tangible changes in the fabric of my being when I open up and become vulnerable and love someone else. It’s no small feat, nor is it just a temporary radar blip.

Every time I have felt love for someone, it has changed who I am. I have learned much from each of those happenstances. Both the really awesome times and memories right on down to the gut-wrenching, body-shaking stabs of pain when my love hasn’t been shared or returned.

The point here is that love isn’t something that should ever be equated with something awful. I’ve never sworn off love…and I’ve been pretty fucking low after some break-ups before…I know the problem isn’t love itself. I know there is something to be taken from every situation, and I’ve tried to make the best of those lessons.

I know I’m a great freaking catch and I know someday someone is going to notice me and revel in my intensity and quirkiness and love me for who I am and who I’m going to be tomorrow, the next day, and hopefully for the rest of my life…

Multi-colored mohawk and all! ; )

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525,600 Minutes

•September 23, 2011 • 2 Comments

So much has happened since I last posted. I worked my ass off to earn some overtime at work, only to see all of that extra money just disappear in the blink of an eye because I had to do the brakes and an oil change on my car…and then discovered the water pump was leaking. Badly. Good-bye $1,000 in one transaction.

The situation with my father is tenuous at best. I said I was going up to Walmart today to pick up a few things (cheap candles, facial scrub and my B-12 sublinguals) and he goes, “I need a new lamp. Get me one.”, to which I replied I wasn’t paying for his lamp and he got all huffy. I’m not responsible for him. I’m not his mother or his wife, I’m his daughter. Maybe I would’ve responded differently if he at least made an attempt to find a job that I didn’t specifically tell him about. Maybe.

I tried to order some shoes online tonight on the Dr. Marten’s website, and it kept rejecting my order based on my address not matching what was on my credit card account. I tried the address 3 different ways and now there are 3 holds on my card from the 3 declined attempts. W.T.F.?!?!

I’ve been sick the past 4 days. Every time I think my fever is done and over with, it pops back up. I had called my Dr’s on Wednesday and they told me they had nothing open until this upcoming Tuesday because so many people have this virus that’s going around. So I’ve been trying to make due with just drinking loads of water and juice and eating basic stuff like bagels and butter and pasta with a little olive oil and garlic. Everything still seems to go right through me and I have to wonder if part of why I feel so bad is due to stress. It would make sense.

I’m even stressed about having called out of work on Wednesday because I literally couldn’t be away from a bathroom, that’s how sick I felt and was. I think I must’ve sweat through 6 t-shirts. It was gross. And in the middle of all of that I was trying to pay bills for my father and then I had a shocker guest show up on my porch. I know what you’re thinking. No, it wasn’t an ex-girlfriend (though many have been showing up in dreams lately) or someone with a nice fat check. It was this little guy:

 

My small little visitor

You can do it!

 

He is wicked cute…and really drove my cats bonkers! I tried to catch him on Wednesday, but he disappeared before I could grab gloves and a cat carrier. I was literally in a feverish haze, sweating through my clothes, wandering around outside all around my apartment trying to find the little guy. I couldn’t find him, but I called a couple of animal rescue places and they all told me that the best thing to do would be to get him into a tree or a more wooded area if I could. Since he was fully furred and had a bushy tail, they all told me he should do fine on his own.

Well, on Thursday he cam back and I was prepared. I put on some work gloves so I wouldn’t transfer my scent onto the little guy and scooped him up. I swear he settled into my hands and made like and almost cat-like purr/thrum as I carried him over into the wooded area by my apartment. I felt so bad putting him into a tree and leaving him to his own devices, but I knew I wasn’t equipped to try to take him in space wise or knowledge wise.

I felt so guilty that today I bought a bag of squirrel feed. Because that’s just who I am. I’m the person that would give someone my last dollar, the last morsel of food in my cupboard, the shirt off my back, my bed to sleep in if they had nowhere else to go…and I’m also the kind of person that would totally rescue and adopt baby wild animals. (Yeah, insert a clever crazy cat lady joke here)

I have so much love in my heart and always want to do the right thing. I always put other people in front of me and believe in Karma. I’m waiting to reap the rewards of her return. With somewhat baited breath. Especially since the first person I truly fell in love with is getting married in just a matter of days. I really am happy for her. I am. She’s not the first of my exes to get married either. I guess it just hits a little harder because I fell in love with her almost half my lifetime ago. I know it sounds terrible, but I guess I’m trying to suss out why it isn’t me that has a love of a lifetime. Why I’m not getting married in front of my very small group of friends. Why I don’t get to experience the privilege of waking up next to someone that I’m more in love with at that moment than I was when I fell asleep with them the night before.

Yeah, I know. I’m being whiny and negative. I just want to feel that elation. I want the joy coursing through my veins. I want to share my heart, my soul and my life with someone special.

If that’s wrong, I don’t ever want to be right.

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Not A Love Song

•September 15, 2011 • Leave a Comment

So lots of people I know (either intimately in my past or casually through friends or co-workers) are getting married. It’s causing a lot of conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I believe in love so much that I am thrilled these varied people feel they’ve met the other half of their soul…but on the other hand it just highlights how alone I really feel sometimes.

I know I need to focus on the good, positive feelings and quash the unease and loneliness, but it gets hard. It’s hard to explain my thoughts and feelings about love and romance and relationships without causing people to believe me a childish fool.

I guess I have some strange ideals when it comes to love. I believe in the little things. That a simple hand-written note or single flower can bring immense joy to someone else’s day. That a look or touch can send shivers down your spine and spread warmth in your heart.

Sometimes I feel like I should write romance novels or direct romantic comedies. Ever since I was a child I’ve been drawn to the power of love…so clearly I’m happy for people who’ve found it.

Just wish it didn’t bring forth feelings of sadness…

Posted in Life

Again

•September 10, 2011 • 1 Comment

Once more, surrounded by people, but I feel so fucking alone.

Posted in Uncategorized

Liar, Liar

•September 4, 2011 • 4 Comments

Well, I got to come home from work today to find that my mom finally told my dad part of the truth. She left him/us. She didn’t tell him everything though. She’s still letting him believe she’s with her sister in Kansas…but she’s really with some guy in Atlanta. She can’t even tell him the fucking truth now that she’s already gone.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Neither of my parents have ever been able to tell anything close to the truth my whole life. And I always got put in the middle. Now, here I am, expected to pick up the slack she’s left behind. Keep up on all of their bills. Get on my dad’s ass to find a job. Spend my own money on their shit. Make sure he stays fed.

And she expects me to still keep her secrets.

Is it any wonder I can’t have a healthy relationship? All I know and expect is for everyone to lie to me. And they inevitably do.

I called her when I got home from work. On her new cell phone. In Atlanta. I called her on her shit. I told her she was a liar and even though my dad may be a liar and a lazy asshole himself, he at least deserves to know the truth. I told her she needed to call him tomorrow and tell him or I would. Her response? “Well that figures”. It’s not my job to keep her secrets of to take care of her husband.

I’ve already been working 12 hour days and on my days off to get overtime while work is offering it. My savings account is slowly dwindling away. I already don’t do ANYTHING because I can’t afford to, and now I have all of this added stress and shit just dumped onto my plate because I have children for parents.

I can’t do this. I can’t. I need help. I need someone to take some of this off of me, because I am going to crack and then break. I have always put someone else before myself and now I’m forced to put my life on hold again.

Because of lies. Because that’s what my family does. Because that’s what was always expected of me. I went through a nervous breakdown once already in my life, back in high school, over my parent’s bullshit. Now I have all of this to deal with. I know they both think I’m fucking SuperWoman, but I’m not.

I’m going to be 30 and I feel like I haven’t yet begun to live. I don’t know now if that day will ever come. It’s a full time job just cleaning up and turning shit off after my father…then my real job, where I’m working long hours for really not a whole lot of money because I made mistakes in my past. There just isn’t time left in the day for me anymore.

I need a miracle. I need the money to pay off my car so I can think about leaving myself or I need a free place to stay with my cats or I need to hit the jackpot or something, but I need back some of what I feel like I am always putting out.

I need help. I need to not feel so invisible and pushed to the side. I need a break. I need something really fucking good to happen, and I need it now.

Please.

Posted in Life
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