Trigger Happy Jack
I miss Poe. I miss the music of high school and right after. I miss the days when I defiantly walked into bathrooms of my Catholic school and kissed my first girlfriend. I miss how brash and brazen I used to feel. I would have de Sade on my desk and practically dare people to ask me about it.
I miss the days at camp where people openly flirted with me. Male and female. I miss the knowing smiles, the nervous laughter. I miss hiding my baby blues behind my navy Oakleys (man do I miss those glasses…), crossing my arms and smiling.
I miss feeling special in someone else’s eyes. I know I’m pretty fucking awesome, don’t get me wrong, but I miss knowing someone else thinks this about me. Maybe I’m shallow. Maybe I’m self-centered. Think what you will, but I know how I look at people I’ve loved, and I just long for someone to look at me that way again.
I know everyone tells me to stop looking for it and ‘it will happen’, but I also know bottling up what I’m think and how I’m feeling isn’t healthy. I don’t have a dating profile on any website anymore…I wasn’t meeting anyone worthwhile anyway. I don’t go to bars and clubs because I know I’m not going to meet someone there. I doubt I’m going to meet anyone at work…as people there are not exactly openly gay or gay friendly. I was shocked to learn a woman I’d known a decade ago works there and has been with her partner since then.
I wish I could say I could rely on friends to introduce me to people, but that’s not likely to happen either…so I’ve decided to just give up on meeting anyone. I’m not trying anymore…but that doesn’t mean I don’t still wish I would. I recently joined a gym again, and I keep hoping maybe I’ll meet some new people via the gym…I’m even considering getting into shape to run a 5K soon and think in the back of my mind maybe I could meet new people there as well.
I guess maybe I just will never stop having feelings and desires to have the kind of romantic, lasting love I know I’m capable of and think I deserve…and I guess I’ll never understand why exactly that is such a bad thing. =/
Naked 
Your blog is beautifully written, but you show severe signs of narcissism and I think you would highly benefit from some type of therapy. You seem very self-centered and very clingy. Yeah you are a child of an alcoholic parent, but so are a lot of people. If it comes across rude, I apologize, but part of me strongly want sto say suck it up and deal. You wonder why you choose partners who have addiction problems, it’s because there’s comfort in what is familiar. Everyone has their struggles, fucking deal with it.
I’m not quite certain where your particular issues may hold residence within you, but seeing as how you do not know me, and have commented this on a post that is 4 1/2 years old…well, we’ll just leave it at that.
Feel free to hold whatever opinion of me that you’d like. That is your right as a human being. You don’t know my whole story, you only know what I’ve chosen to share here in fits of nerves and bouts of restlessness. Just as one shouldn’t judge someone based upon their skin, one shouldn’t judge someone based upon curations either.
As far as the self-centered barb – it’s a blog focusing on my thoughts, emotions, and viewpoints, of course it is narrow in scope and would come across as such. I’m not entirely sure what I’ve written that’s riled you up, but perhaps that’s something that you should look inward about?
Therapy is an excellent suggestion for anyone who struggles with anything in their life, and it’s something I’ve certainly utilized in my journey to become a more whole and healthy adult. It’s one of the most useful tools in one’s arsenal to “deal” with a whole host of problems, as is writing in my humble opinion.