One Step Closer
I am so on edge right now. Its like every fiber in my body is humming. I know myself well enough to know this is a really bad thing. I feel like I’m close to breaking (snapping, flipping, etc…) and I’m having a really hard time backing off the edge. Its been getting worse and worse. I need to get up early tomorrow and put in an hour plus at the gym…I’m hoping that will do the trick…because I know I’m not going to being having sex anytime in the forseeable future, and the other alternative of losing it on someone can’t happen either.
Between the crazy dreams I’ve been having, the added stress of my mom’s constant threats she’s going to up and leave, making me basically responsible for my father and his shit and their bills, and the pangs of wanting I keep having more and more frequently, I feel like I’m wound so tight that nothing readily available to me is going to loosen me up.
Today at work was stressful…and it felt like a lot of other people were also on edge…never a good combo for me. Part of me wants to walk into my apartment and have a drink and try to relax, but I can’t. I promised myself long ago I would only drink when in a good mindframe, and this definitely doesn’t constitute a good frame of mind. I’m too afraid of becoming an alcoholic to even toe the waters of drinking when I feel stressed or edgy.
Yet another of the many balancing acts I feel like I’m constantly performing. My father is an alcoholic, even if he only admits it when he’s drunk. My mother has enabled him for so many years and has always been so co-dependant with him. Her father was also an abusive alcoholic, and she can’t handle her liquor either. Neither of them know when to stop or say no. I’ve always been terrified I would throw my life away because of alcohol, and instead its almost like I’ve thrown my life away trying to avoid people and situations that remind me of my parents (especially my dad) and feeling like I have always failed because I choose the exact wrong people to date.
I have an extremely hard time striking a happy balance. When I’m in a relationship (not often, and not for very long) it seems like alcohol or drugs always is a constant thorn. I’ve dated people with obvious alcohol or drug problems or people fresh out of rehab or people who get out of control when they drink and get sick or do stupid shit I feel compelled to try and fix for them. My ex fiance drank every single day. So did the last woman I tried to date.
With both of those women I felt like they didn’t know how to deal with life without a drink in hand. I found out my ex fiance had also been hiding drug use from me, and the last woman I dated absolutely couldn’t be intimate or affectionate unless she had some drinks in her. Both situations left me feeling out of control. Both women often pressured me to drink more than I felt comfortable with. With both women I went past my set limit of 3 drinks and I regretted it.
Maybe I’m not doing the right thing, imposing so many restrictions on myself…with alcohol. With sex. With life really. I have such a firm list of things I won’t let myself do or don’t want from life, and I’m hard pressed to name more than a few things I really want from life. When I do share those with people, they scoff, tell me I’m ridiculous and need to grow up and realize I’m not going to get those things. I don’t have hardly any friends because of nasty remarks that have been made to me over the years about what I want from life or because of a lack of respect for things I’m not willing to tolerate in my life because they’re not healthy.
Maybe people are right. Maybe I’m never going to move back out from living with my parent(s). Maybe I’m never going to make a lot of money. Maybe I’m never going to find the stability and security I so very much want and need. But I’m never going to give up hoping things will change. I’m never going to give up on my dreams. I can’t. If I did, there would be even less of a point to this life I’m living.
So here I am, pulling up my big girl britches every day and doing what I know I must to make even the most infinitesimal steps forward towards the life I want. The life I deserve.
Naked 
It won’t be easy to drone out all the negativity in your life but it looks like you’re determined…and that’s always a good thing. Besides, anything worth having is worth fighting for. So never give up =)