Are You Still, Still Breathing?
What the fuck? I randomly just broke out into tears a few moments ago for absolutely no damn reason. Maybe I’ve been thinking too much about my past and the things I’ve done every step of the way to fuck with my life. Bad decisions. Worse activities. Even more toxic relationships.
I fucked up my life. I did. No one else. And I have been trying to own up to that and rectify the wrongs I’ve wrought for quite some time now. I feel as though nothing I can do will make things right.
I need things to be right. I need to not take on more responsibilities than I should. I need to have a life of my own without being constantly afraid.
It’s not my fault I had a shitty upbringing, I know that. But lots of people have had shittier ones and seem to have been able to move on in their lives with smiles on their faces. I’m not sure why I can’t. I don’t know why it’s like I sabotage myself turn after turn.
It really bothers me that I fit so many of the characteristics of an ACOA. I hate feeling like I can be explained. But you can’t ignore the obvious. A lot of who I am today, at almost 30 years old, is a result of my growing up.
My father is an alcoholic. My mother is not much better, and she also has a gambling problem. They both smoke like chimneys. They can’t stand each other. They rampantly cheated on each other my whole life. They haven’t shared the same bed since I was six or seven. My mom dragged me along with her on her daliances so my father wouldn’t suspect. She used to let her boyfriend at the time serve me soda with vodka in it when I was 12 and 13 years old. I almost beat the shit out a woman in her 40’s when I was 15 because she hit my mom when she slept with her husband. I hit my father and called the cops on him one night when I was 16 because he threw a chair at me in a drunken rage. My father used to belittle me and hit me.
Despite all of this I still thought I was relatively normal and well-adjusted. But maybe I was just good at kidding myself. I mean, I got good at hiding things. Made cover stories for bruises and things. Made excuses when my parents wouldn’t let me do things or didn’t socialize with other parents. Fumbled over words when kids I grew up with heard my dad yelling at me through open windows. Eventually I just really withdrew. Would life have been different if I weren’t an only child? Maybe. Maybe part of the issue is the deep seated resentment my father has for my mom for not giving him a son. Maybe the resentment my mom has for my dad insisting they try having another kid after too many miscarriages and then having a still born. Who knows.
None of this is an excuse. I’m not asking for anyone’s sympathy.
I doubt any of this really sheds any light on me or my personality. I don’t know if anyone really even cares. I know I’ve burned far, far too many bridges for someone still so young.
I have hope though, that I can fix this life. That somewhere along the line things will be ok and I’ll be on the right path. I have hope still in my heart someone will love me in spite of who I was, because who I am now and who I will be tomorrow is an amazing person. They will respect that I can accept and acknowledge my past as being a part of who I am now.
Because I am. Even if I am the only person who thinks so.
Naked 
Hey! I just stumbled upon your blog while searching on tags. You’re loved! Just thought I should let you know that. Read a few of your posts and I can relate to feeling the weight of messing up. Just know you’re loved right now! I hope you’re encouraged by this comment and I hope you feel better tomorrow!
Thank you for the kind words. I didn’t post this looking for sympathy…I use the written word as a way to work out things that cloud my mind. I am always slightly astonished when someone else reads anything I write and it resonates enough for a comment. I am very appreciate of the warm thoughts…I believe if you put good out into the world, you will eventually get good in return, so thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
hmmm…not to give you false reassurement or anything, but i’m sure there’s someone out there who cares for you, and from reading your post here, i can tell that you still have a caring heart with the ability and the longing to love. just know that you have touched my heart with this post, and i’m sure others will come across this too and will have their heats touched. keep living. keep trying. we may have messed up pasts, but we never really know what good lies in the future. i hope i was able to share you some encouragement.
Really, I can’t thank you enough for the kind words. I genuinely use the written word as a method of working things out of my brain that weigh on me…I’m always amazed when something I write causes a reaction in someone else…I’m just being real, raw and me. Thank you so much for taking a moment to share your encouragement. I genuinely appreciate it.
that’s the thing. you’re being you and that in itself resonates with the inner me. just keep being you and you’ll find all the goodness that you have been looking for. you matter in this world. read some of my entries if you have time and i hope my stuff can provide you with some encouragement and inspiration. and btw, your pure emotions provide really good reading so i think i’ll be back and read about you more if you don’t mind. you got yourself a new subscriber!
I welcome any and everyone into my world, even if only the written! I will certainly return the favor and take a peek into your being via your words.