Better Than Chocolate

OK, NetFlix gets a bonus point for this one. But only one. And only because I love this movie.

I remember seeing it in NoHo when I was 18 with some girls from school. I had bleached spikes, an eyebrow ring, and wore shiny vinyl pants, replete with steel-toe Docs and cockiness to match.

I was in love with a spaceman’s daughter and trying to maintain a friendship after an ill-fated fling. I spent hours laughing away the day in Faces and Thornes, whole days perusing books in Atticus, and more time than I care to admit sneaking into the thumpa thumpa of the Grotto.

This was the NoHo before tattooing was legal. When Divas was still a normal club with an alternative/industrial/fetish night. Before my first girlfriend ever graduated high school and matriculated at Smith.

I lived on the 2 In Twenty floor, volunteered at the Stonewall Center, and became the youngest person to program and run the lighting board for a full-scale production in the UMass Theater Department.

I was attractive, young and totally care-free. I let go of a lot of inhibitions. I was surrounded by an ecclectic, open-minded cacophany of people and voices.

It was fucking magic! While it lasted…

The past few years I tried way too hard to fit the molds other people wanted me to squeeze into. Whether it was for work or for love, I gradually started losing pieces of my vibrance.

I don’t know, maybe I’m feeling the enormity of turning 30 in a few months and not feeling like I’ve really started living. I chopped all my hair off again (growing it out for my last job was just dumb) and I started bleaching again. I started dressing for comfort again instead of demand…which means more and more guy’s clothes and less trying to dress the part of a femme bottom. (Femme I’m not, nor Butch either…but the rest of that is fairly accurate)

I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with expressing my desires again…I used to not hide this shit. Really. I mean, I wasn’t exactly comfortable with those conversations, but at least I used to try and bring things up with the women I dated. That went by the wayside after one too many rejections.

Yet another common theme in my life. I don’t handle rejection or failure well, yet I always seem to set myself up for it. I lay my loyalties with undeserving people, take on responsibilities that aren’t my problem, love people who seem to want me to fix them, and run around cleaning up after other people’s messes…also, very common character traits for an adult child of an alcoholic. Things I’ve been working for years to overcome.

I’m getting there. Slowly. I still don’t handle rejection quite as gracefully as I would like. I have a tendancy of completely ridding people from my life when I’ve been hurt past a certain extent…but I’ve been told that’s actually healthier than keeping toxic people in your life as so many lesbians are known to do.

I don’t have room in my life for superficial relationships. I put a lot of myself and work into the relationships I have, platonic or otherwise, and I don’t have the time or energy anymore for needless drama. I wasted so much of myself and life on bullshit.

I want a few select people to be in my life. People who respect and love me the way I am and don’t want to force changes upon me, but want to get to know me over and again as I grow through the rest of my life. Maybe I’ll have a small life because of that, but who needs 1,000 friends on Facebook anyway? Who has time?

I have time for work, self-exploration, love, and hopefully some fun in my future. No drama. No bullshit. No excuses.



~ by tatterednotes on August 2, 2011.

One Response to “Better Than Chocolate”

  1. quality over quantity!

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