Naked

Well, maybe not exactly the way you might be thinking.

Let’s face it, there is very little about me or my life that most would consider ‘normal’, unless you’re also the adult child of an alcoholic, and a co-dependent gambler/possible alcoholic, and are also a lesbian who lives with said parents for financial reasons going both ways…then, I guess we could be best friends, because we would be uniquely suited to just getting each other.

But this is not a post lamenting my situation. It is what it is, and maybe it’ll get worse, but hopefully it will eventually get better. I really am trying to have a better attitude about life and the things in it.

I do however, have sort of a rant, but not of the ‘woe is me’ variety…I really hate when I think I come off that way. Really, my life isn’t that awful when it comes down to it. I have a roof over my head for now, food in my stomach, and a job.

My gripe has to do with how other’s perceive myself and certain interests and things.

For instance, where the fuck are the drag kings and male impersonators in CT? Am I the only one who enjoys them? Am I the only one who loves the idea of feminine masculinity? And I’m not talking about all of this fake ‘butch’ posturing bullshit. There is a huge difference between people who call themselves ‘butch’ and feel they need to behave in certain ways, and women who consider themselves to be androgynous or like to play up the more masculine sides of their personalities for fun, entertainment, or the occasional hot night in.

I happen to be a lesbian woman who greatly appreciates those attributes, and who also considers herself neither ‘butch’ nor ‘femme’.  Actually, I really tend to despise those labels. As if anyone can be summed up in one word. I know I can’t, and I try really hard not to stereotype other people with one word labels either.

I guess if I were to try to describe myself and my interests/predilections, it might go something like this; mostly androgynous lesbian switch with a strong leaning towards bottom-ness and a keen interest in all things daring and potentially kinky or fetishistic.

Now, let me explain the above convoluted micro-descriptives.

I consider myself a lesbian. I am sexually and romantically attracted to biological females. I make the stipulation on biological, because I have dated and find myself attracted to some FTMs. Yes, this might be confusing to some people, and let me tell you, it really fucked with people when I said I was a lesbian with a boyfriend. But that was the truth.

I say I’m androgynous because I’m neither ‘butch’ nor ‘femme’. I float somewhere in the middle. I can and do wear both men’s and women’s clothes. I feel more comfortable and free in men’s clothes, but I love my breasts and when I’m in better shape than I am currently, I find that I actually like showing off my body in tight women’s clothes. I have both masculine and feminine mannerisms and let various forms of both personality archetypes take the forefront depending on the situation. Let me make this clear though, I do not see myself as male, nor do I want to be male, though I have thought of trying my hat at doing drag myself.

Now ‘switch’ and ‘bottom’ are terms I am borrowing liberally from my gay male brethren. They do carry strong sexual connotations, and that’s basically how I’m using them here. I can let the aggressive side of myself come out to play in a big way, and typically have in most of my relationships, but I really come alive and enjoy myself when the more submissive side of myself gets a chance to be showcased. This isn’t in the typical ‘submissive’ frameset most people would guess as in BD/SM or anything like that. I’m not sure if I have an interest in exploring that type of submissive mind…but I mean in the way that I am not in control of the situation (in a safe way though).

As far as the interests in things one might consider kinky or fetishistic, there’s a laundry list of things I think are interesting/sexy/could be fun that apparently fall outside of what are considered ‘acceptable norms’. My love of gender pending performers and FTMs for one. An interest in learning more about and exploring the world of sex toys. My affinity for indie queer porn. My strong desire to date someone who would pack in public for me and be more aggressive. A love of tattoos and other body art. Female ejaculation. Gender play. Role playing within the bedroom or relationship. Authors like de Sade and A.N. Roquelaure that explore the depths of the human mind/sexuality/what some would call depravity.

I don’t think I would be interested in the more intense examples of sexual sub-cultures, like being made to bleed or pony-play or being kept in a cage like an animal…though I’ve known people through the years who love those sorts of things.

I guess as a Scorpio and an individual, I’ve always been intrigued by the ‘seedier’ side of life. For a while before I lost my last job, when I knew things were heading towards the shitter, I considered the idea of doing porn. Part of me really liked the idea of being able to explore sides of myself that have been shoved aside, part of me liked the idea of thinking about how people might see me and find me desirable. It seems really empowering. I still would like to be photographed nude in an artfully professional manor. I want to embrace my sexuality and especially my sensuality more and more. I don’t want to feel like I need to hide that part of me.

I am a sexual and sensual being. There’s no secret that I am a much more confident woman when I’m in a relationship and actively affectionate and intimate. Maybe it might be a little fucked up that I become more ballsy when I’m being fucked, but it’s true. Let’s face it, I typically average a year in between ‘relationships’, and when I have one, they don’t last. My longest one in over 4 years was only for 3 months, and really only a few weeks of it were what I would consider ‘good’.

Oh, another disclaimer/descriptor I need to add to myself: monogamous. I don’t believe in polyamorous relationships. I just know in my heart of hearts, I could never do it. I can’t even casually date more than one person at a time. (I mean, it hasn’t exactly come up that I would be dating more than one person at a time, but still)

I consider myself to be an extremely loyal and dedicated human. I also consider kissing to be intimate, and I believe in emotional cheating. These beliefs have lead to me being accused of being controlling, because I’ve taken issue to someone telling me a month into something that they need to be able to fuck and love other people. Sorry, but that just isn’t my cup of tea!

I would make a really, really bad whore. Sex can be just sex, but the second emotions are involved, I’m a one-person woman.

~ by tatterednotes on August 7, 2011.

Posted in Life
Tags: butch, CT, drag kings, Femme, fetish, FTMs, indie queer, kink, life, love, male impersonators, monogamy, porn, relationships, sensuality, sex, sexuality, submissive, switch