Liar, Liar
Well, I got to come home from work today to find that my mom finally told my dad part of the truth. She left him/us. She didn’t tell him everything though. She’s still letting him believe she’s with her sister in Kansas…but she’s really with some guy in Atlanta. She can’t even tell him the fucking truth now that she’s already gone.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Neither of my parents have ever been able to tell anything close to the truth my whole life. And I always got put in the middle. Now, here I am, expected to pick up the slack she’s left behind. Keep up on all of their bills. Get on my dad’s ass to find a job. Spend my own money on their shit. Make sure he stays fed.
And she expects me to still keep her secrets.
Is it any wonder I can’t have a healthy relationship? All I know and expect is for everyone to lie to me. And they inevitably do.
I called her when I got home from work. On her new cell phone. In Atlanta. I called her on her shit. I told her she was a liar and even though my dad may be a liar and a lazy asshole himself, he at least deserves to know the truth. I told her she needed to call him tomorrow and tell him or I would. Her response? “Well that figures”. It’s not my job to keep her secrets of to take care of her husband.
I’ve already been working 12 hour days and on my days off to get overtime while work is offering it. My savings account is slowly dwindling away. I already don’t do ANYTHING because I can’t afford to, and now I have all of this added stress and shit just dumped onto my plate because I have children for parents.
I can’t do this. I can’t. I need help. I need someone to take some of this off of me, because I am going to crack and then break. I have always put someone else before myself and now I’m forced to put my life on hold again.
Because of lies. Because that’s what my family does. Because that’s what was always expected of me. I went through a nervous breakdown once already in my life, back in high school, over my parent’s bullshit. Now I have all of this to deal with. I know they both think I’m fucking SuperWoman, but I’m not.
I’m going to be 30 and I feel like I haven’t yet begun to live. I don’t know now if that day will ever come. It’s a full time job just cleaning up and turning shit off after my father…then my real job, where I’m working long hours for really not a whole lot of money because I made mistakes in my past. There just isn’t time left in the day for me anymore.
I need a miracle. I need the money to pay off my car so I can think about leaving myself or I need a free place to stay with my cats or I need to hit the jackpot or something, but I need back some of what I feel like I am always putting out.
I need help. I need to not feel so invisible and pushed to the side. I need a break. I need something really fucking good to happen, and I need it now.
Please.
Naked 
there is nothing i wouldn’t give to help you ir i was able.
I know. Thanks. It means a lot.
I TOTALLY know this. Been there, more or less – same with my wife. You’re in a toxic place, and your instinct to “break” is correct/genuine – You need to BREAK away, if you haven’t already… at least temporarily (it’s not forever distancing yourself) to take the time & space you need to be healthy and go forward – in order to make and build the progress you seek.
You’re being consumed and compromised – dad or not, you’re a 30-year-old adult with needs, in addition to your other roles. Your needs must be taken care of or you will be stuck, depleted, squandered. And the “sands of the hourglass” don’t wait for you. I started seeing birthdays, for example, as how many “good”/functional years I have left to make an impact, instead of the traditional, “how many years have gone by”… Fuck those, they’re gone – can’t get ’em back.:)
I wouldn’t advise making this change on your own. Despite the way you may look, etc., you’re going to need to meet with a mentor-figure. Even if you don’t have one, MAKE one – introduce yourself to a clergyperson on the phone/via email and request an appointment for an hour of private time for some counsel – some direction (first, getting to know you, though). Bring some cookies in appreciation. This is what I did when I hit rock bottom (emotionally).
What’s great about clergy is they know so many people and resources to network/connect people with similar needs and aspirations. Of course, there’s sketchy clergy – look at any profession and lock yourself indoors then;) Keep FINDING one you feel comfortable with – like you would with your physician.
I saw a female rabbi. I’m a 36 yr old male, who at the time of this encounter was 27/28 and knew nothing about Judaism, nor did it matter. Prior, I almost first went to a Catholic organization, but, as John Lennon says in “Beautiful Boy,” “Life is what happens when you’re making plans.” Anyway, my hellacious 20’s were definitely what I learned in counseling as being my “try-out twenties.” Enough… wanted off of that ride!
Anyway, the clergyperson, after a few meetings of getting to know me/my needs, connected me to a non-profit Family & Career Center for counseling sessions, charged on a sliding scale, which was helpful on the wallet. The clergy person also helped link me to an affiliated private school to do some substitute teaching to help with my bills. It was priceless and was really the seed/ springboard to going back to school, beginning a new career, and becoming married.
Shit, all the top people have “advisors,” to help manage their minutia – presidents have cabinets and administrations, celebs have entourages, fricken Captain fricken James T fricken Kirk had a whole fictional crew to advise him and help keep him directed and level as possible, towards his goals/objectives. …”Advisors,” “Counselors,” Therapists,” call ’em whatever you want. We’re not “a rock,” “an island,” or a Desperado and can’t do it all on our own.
Also, you’re right about being a daughter and not your father’s wife or mom. To be treated otherwise is irresponsible and unrealistic.
Lastly, among many, here are some of the resources that have been definitive in changing my life’s path in circumstances similar to yours:
The absolute “game-changer” of all, in my experience. I wore out the tapes – all 12 of them – before cd:
It is pricey, but “priceless”.
A more recent good one, as well, but, I feel less impacting than “no-limit person” (I know it sounds like a corny gimmick – it’s not):
http://www.amazon.com/Making-Shift-Live-Divine-Purpose/dp/B003ATP9YU/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1321596982&sr=8-2. It looks like you can listen for free for 30 days by accepting a free trial of Audible.com.
Here you can try it for $1.00 for 30 days from his “mother” company:
http://www.nightingale.com/prod_detail~product~Dyer_No_Limit_Person.aspx
Listen to the WHOLE thing – pace a disk at a time or something.
Even though the term, “addiction” evokes “to substances,” this book reveals, much, much more about our “addictions” – good insight. Also, I’ve never had a substance abuse issue and this book helped. .
Anything by her you can’t go wrong:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=jungreis&x=0&y=0
Lastly, surprisingly – http://www.amazon.com/Kicking-Screaming/dp/B005FWADGY/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1321597509&sr=8-3
As the cover depicts a quasi-phoenix rising from the fire, the themes of most songs on this album are about overcoming personal “monsters,” hardships, and reinforcing self-validation.
Wishing you harmony, love, connection, time & space, and purpose
By the way, the “addiction” book picture is wrong. The book I’m suggesting is called, “God of Our Understanding.”