Chaotic Winds

I have to be honest and admit I didn’t think this many people would care that I got dumped by someone. I guess I’ve never actually had this many friends in my life before.

Everyone was quick to tell me it’s absolutely her loss…but the funny thing is I’m the lost one.

Maybe I’m not meant to understand this. Maybe I’m just meant to feel and just wait for those feelings to change.

I guess I’m just disappointed that once again, I just wasn’t worth taking a chance on. That’s the bottom line.

Even being 100% myself, being honest and compassionate, understanding and forthcoming…wasn’t enough.

And I get that everyone has baggage, I do. But I feel like the point in life is to be with someone who will help you carry some of it and unpack the rest.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m delusional. I must be. A really big part of me (that’d be my heart) wants her to come to a realization that a mistake was made, and walk through the door and apologize so starkly that I can’t help but believe it.

The rest of me (that’d be my brain) thinks I should just give up on my heart and only work and sleep and save money so that when 2017 rolls around I’m in the best possible position financially when my good name is finally cleared to buy a house and just live out my days in solitude.

Clearly I don’t really want to be alone forever, but that’s where my brain is at.

I guess I’ll never understand how someone can say I’m everything they’ve ever wanted and then just walk away. I just don’t get how or why I’m so scary.

Life’s all about no risk, no reward, right? Well I’ve risked damn near everything, over and over, and my rewards so far have been learning lessons…I guess it’s just too soon to see what lesson I’m to take from this.

I just want someone to take a risk and for me to be their reward.


~ by tatterednotes on July 27, 2012.

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