Naked

Alrighty, as promised, here is the second set of questions I’m going to knock out tonight. I have to say, after sitting here and typing out the first ten questions and my very honest responses last night, today I felt a renewed sense of positivity and lightness. I think this is really going to be a very rewarding little experience for myself.

What’s the saying? The world is your oyster? And so it is.

Without further ado…

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Well, I’ll be taking a bit more than four minutes as I;m typing this all out, but here goes. I was born in 1981 to parents who were both serving in the US Army and were stationed in Germany. They decided to come back to the states so I could be born here, so I was born in Washington DC, and my birth certificate is signed by (I think) a general. I spent the first couple years of my life in Germany…I don’t really remember any of it. Apparently not only did I get really sick prior to being 1, but someone tried to kidnap me at some point. I don’t really remember the story that well…my mom told it to me when I was in high school as some sort of justification for why she was so protective. I’m an only child. We settled down in Connecticut so I could go to school in a good environment, and my dad wanted to be near his family. I always had a very hard time making friends. My mom didn’t let me do a lot of things, and I was always pretty smart and would have rather read a book than played with dolls. I was an odd and precocious child. Somewhere around the age of 4 I told my mom I was going to marry Madonna. I think that’s when my Uncle Kirk started not coming over as much (he’s gay), or maybe it was that he taught me how to flip the bird and to tell someone fuck you? I was given an IQ test at my mother’s urging in the second grade, and I tested at above college level in every category. I started getting given extra work and attending special classes for “gifted” kids to try to keep us occupied and out of trouble since we were bored with the regular curriculum. I put a lot of pressure on myself as I got to middle school to try to be perfect. Perfect grades. Get a boyfriend and try to be “normal”. I knew I was gay…I just didn’t have the words for it yet. I was already sort of an outcast, and I knew if I couldn’t make myself fit in I would get the shit kicked out of me on a regular basis. I begged my parents to let me take the entrance exams to a few of the local private high schools. I got into every school I applied to. I ended up choosing a Catholic high school, thinking maybe the religious indoctrination would help me to be straight and “normal”…all it actually ended up doing was make me come out of the closet at a younger age than I likely would have if I had gone to public school. Let’s see,,,I went to band camp during high school. I had my first girlfriend at 15. I went to UMass Amherst to study theater. I dropped out during my second semester. I found out I had Lyme Disease that had gone undiagnosed for likely 5 years or more. I started working full time at age 18. I started getting tattooed. I dated a lot. Bought my first brand new car at 20. I shared a house with an ex. Got laid off from a job because they were closing a bunch of locations. Got fired from another job for a really bullshit reason that essentially boiled down to me being gay and feeling unsafe with a coworker. I fell into the job that I have now that I actually really like and I’m good at. I’ve never been married…I thought twice now that it might happen, but the other women just didn’t feel the same.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

I would want to gain the ability to understand other people without confusion and to be seen and heard without misunderstanding.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I would want to know if I’m on the right path to realizing the happiness that I’ve always wanted…that someday all of the feelings of failure and not being worthy or good enough, all of the pain will have been worth it because I will be successful and I will have realized my childhood dream of having a warm home with a loving wife, surrounded by animals.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

Sure. There are a few things I’ve dreamt of doing…I’ve dreamt of traveling. I’ve dreamt of being married. I’ve dreamt of skydiving. I’ve never dreamt of doing any of those things alone. I mean, I definitely can’t get married alone. As far as traveling alone…as a single lesbian woman, I just am not sure of where I would go alone that I would feel comfortable and safe. The last time I went somewhere that required a flight was to Chicago almost a decade ago (with someone else) and that was a lot of fun. Skydiving isn’t something that’s about overcoming a fear or anything…I’ve just always wanted to do it…I think it would be way more fun if there were a group of people going together.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Not giving up when I was 14 and was struggling with being gay and not knowing how to tell anyone and how to live with being different than everyone. I really struggled with self-hatred for not being normal. I was convinced back then that no one could ever love me. It was the one and only time I contemplated suicide. It’s not a lie that I’m one of the people that music saved my life. I stayed up all night listening to the radio, and the next morning I left for my first ever week away from home at band camp (I sang), and I met a whole group of misfits and outcasts just like me…and I knew I would be OK.

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

Honesty and loyalty. Pretty simple really when you think about it.

17. What is your most treasured memory?

Hmmm…this is a good one. I’m going to go with the first night I was able to drive around with the windows down and the music up. The feeling of freedom and exhileration. I’m very big on experiences and emotional evocations when it comes to memories.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

Well, pick any one of the many times I’ve been broken up with. Most notably this past time because I really thought with all of me that she was the one. Again, emotions are a huge thing for me. I’m moving beyond that though…doing this whole thing is part of that. Everything is a learning experience.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

Yes. I would work as much overtime as possible for 2 months, then quit my job and travel to the places I want to see before I die. Italy. Australia. A glacier somewhere. I would try as many new foods as possible. I would get over my chronic shyness and go to gay bars in cities that I visited and kiss strange women because I have too much love in me not to share it. I would make sure I had someone lined up to take my two cats when I passed, and had an account set up to provide for their care. That’s really it.

20. What does friendship mean to you?

As I don’t have many close friends due to me culling a lot of toxic people from my life throughout the years and my chronic inability to really meet and make new friends, I think I might have a vastly different definition of friendship than most people. To me, a true friend is there for you when the shit hits the fan, when the times are good, and when it’s just another boring Wednesday afternoon. They are honest, sometimes brutally, especially when it’s needed. They’re going to watch your back and stand up for you even though you don’t maybe need the help. They’re not afraid to ask for help, and they’re perceptive enough to realize when you might need help as well. A true friend is a rare breed.

OK. I’m done for tonight. My eyes are heavy and I need to get more sleep than I did last night. These questions once again have my mind turning and I know I’ll be thinking pretty deeply and having vivid dreams because of them.

~ by tatterednotes on February 4, 2015.

Posted in Art, Entertainment, Life, Uncategorized
Tags: 33, answers, Arthur Aron, character, confessions, depth, experience, life story, questions, single lesbian, social psychology