Ambition, Baby

So, it took me a year longer than it probably should have, but considering what I was going through personally a year ago, I’m giving myself a pass on this one, but I finally got the promotion everyone said and thought I deserved last year. 

I never gave up. No matter how low I felt about myself personally, I NEVER gave up professionally. I still brought it to work every single day. I battled through depression, anger, apathy…I mean, I was a complete wreck for a few months after the break-up…but I still managed to put my head down and do everything I needed to do to make sure that the next time the opportunity presented itself, I could NOT be denied. All the overtime, all the weeks where I had one day off or no days off…it all contributed. 

Now I embark on a new professional journey. Humble. Hopeful. Excited. Respectful. 

This past year has taught me so much. I’ve experienced some of the worst emotional pain I’ve ever endured…but I’ve made it through to the other side intact. Stronger. Changed. I’ve (finally, and yes, begrudgingly) learned how to ask for help. 

Am I where I wish I was 100%? No. Is that OK? Absolutely! I have dreams and goals and ambition…but I don’t have a 5 year plan. I don’t have a six month plan. There are things I would like to experience, places I would like to go…people I hope to meet, but I understand I can’t plan for it. Things are going to happen how they are going to happen. 

I am typing in the dark in my very comfortable bed, one cat with a bandage around his neck snoring at the foot, one cat curled up in the empty spot at my side with her paws over her nose. To me, this is perfect, peaceful, and calm. 

I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m sorry if that is what you came here for. I am 34 and to me I am utterly unimpressive. I work a ton. I care way too much about work related tasks. I dote on my furkids. I tolerate my soon to be (yet again) unemployed father and take care of his bills when he needs it…even though I would not classify myself as being “close” with ANY of my family, or being a “family” person…but simply because to me, this is the right thing (morally) to do.

I realize this makes me highly unusual, and likely undesireable as a potential mate, since I “share” a lease and apartment with him. I know this is a major reason why my mother left him, but his inability to maintain employment doesn’t change the fact that as shitty of a relationship as we may have had throughout my life, he is still my father. (I guess this means that if I was a heterosexual male, and I was in a relationship with a female and the birth control failed and she got pregnant, I would be that person who would marry because it would be the morally right thing to do – even though I am not at ALL religious.)

It is very strange for me, making friends as an adult, because inevitably they will question my being single, and I just don’t have answers. Why do I stay single so long in between relationships? Well, I don’t think it’s healthy or approprate to jump from person to person. Why am I passing up “easy” sex? Gee, because I have way more respect for myself and other females than to go to bars  to snag drunk tail. Why am I not more proactive on dating sites? Again, because it just doesn’t seem a natural fit for me. I’m way too honest and hard to pin down in 300 words of less. Everyone who gets to know me tends to love me, so I just feel like the one for me will develop organically. Does this mean I’m probably going to be single for another year or more? Maybe. But, I am absolutely, unequivocally OK with this.

I am way past that point in my life where I am just dating to pass the time. Truth be told I was never that kind of woman. I’ve always approached EVERY relationship as if it would be my last. I have always given every partner my all. I don’t know any other way to “date” to be frank. Maybe this has been to my detriment, but I have learned so much by operating this way. 

My two newest tattoos should tell you all you need to know about me…phoenix feathers on my forearm (no hiding them), and a chest rocker that says “In Omnia Paratus”. I am not afraid of permanence. Of boldness. Of commitment. The proof is evident all over my body. 

The only question is…who is ready to match me?

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~ by tatterednotes on November 28, 2015.

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