Isn’t This Supposed To Be Hard?

So I’m 4 weeks into my second semester back at college…and it just seems all too easy. Isn’t this supposed to be hard? Isn’t that why I waited so fucking long to come back???

I mean, fuck, if I had known that as anything other than 17-year-old me college would feel easy, shit…

Where could I be now if I had gone back earlier? Would I be 35 and feeling like I don’t count in the business world? 

Would I have met my fiancee though? 

Who would I be???

I mean, let’s be real, I fucked up my own shit at 17 and 18. I don’t think I matured really until I hit probably 30. So, I mean, I probably wouldn’t have taken school as seriously as I do now until this point in my life.

It’s kind of funny though…I’m writing papers in a half hour and getting A’s. I’m bored to tears in my math classes. I’m flying through all of the assignments and tests in my Computer Apps class.

My law classes are fun to me, while other people in my classes groan at every assignment – even though they are clearly posted on the syllabi – and complain that “there’s too much work!” I disagree. I don’t find it to be too much work at all. I take things as they come, and try to get ahead as much as I possibly can every day.

I actually like going to classes. I feel close to what I felt like prior to having a mini-meltdown in high school. (To be fair though, I was dealing with a lot of internal strife when that happened – wanting desperately to be liked by people, but feeling like I was dying inside by hiding who I really was, plus trying to come to grips with parental infidelities and clear signs of parental alcoholism…)

Being back in school and on a new career path…ultimately I feel relief. I am so thankful for this opportunity, and I can’t wait to finish up and find a new job that actually interests me and fulfills a sense of purpose in me working there.

I just thought school would be harder…

~ by tatterednotes on September 20, 2017.

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