Things Get Damaged

•July 28, 2011 • Leave a Comment

So I was chatting with a friend earlier today via Facebook (because no one actually seems to have face to face conversations anymore sadly) and we ended up on the topic of not finding any quality people to date.

Everything now is social media this, smart phone that, faster, faster, fastest!

Real interaction has fallen by the wayside.

I realize the irony that I am lamenting the social medialization of everyday life on what amounts to a social media outlet…but this blog is what actually started the proverbial ball rolling.

I remarked that I was oddly stoked that my previous post about the tragic events in Norway has received quite a few views and shares on Twitter. It was a definite dorkus maximus moment for me. Then I commented how I don’t feel I translate well via the internet…but mayhaps I actually do. For instance, I am not limited by the audience immediately around me when it comes to things I want to discuss. Often at work or in the rare social situation, I find myself surrounded by people who don’t want to talk about anything other than pop culture or their latest supposed sexual conquest or how wasted they can’t wait to get.

We (my friend and I) discussed (via Facebook, mind you) how neither of us feel like anything is organic anymore. Everything feels forced and digitized. No one meets anyone organically anymore…it’s all from dating websites. Both of us expressed how we wished we could meet someone just by doing something we like.

I shared the example of how I met my ex fiance many, many years ago. Granted, I was introduced to her through an ex, but we really did hit it off. We ended up having a 7 hour long conversation about Harry Potter and music and just life. That night ended in what was technically our first date when we ended up leaving the bar when it closed and went to a 24 hour diner for breakfast foods and more conversation. We shared our first kiss under a street light in Hartford. It’s actually a really happy memory, and she was one of the few women I dated that I met not from some sort of internet connection.

I get that I am probably a difficult woman to love. I have ideals and opinions that aren’t so popular in these times. I believe in fidelity. I believe in treating others how I would like to be treated. I believe in paying attention to what someone likes and just doing things without the expectation of reciprocation. I believe in a world where buying someone a coffee or drink doesn’t mean you’re trying to take them home and fuck them. I also believe in a world where buying someone a drink shouldn’t result in the threat of physical harm from someone who thinks you’re invading their turf. I don’t believe people are property. I do believe in propriety. In honesty. In candidness. I believe in being vulnerable because that act in itself is a sign of internal strength. I believe in crying if I feel like it. I believe in letting it all out and taking it all in.

I am a silent observer. I will remember something you tell me 5 years from now at exactly the right moment to make you smile and feel better. I give great hugs. I believe in the healing abilities of touch. I come from a very unemotional familial background with one parent who is an alcoholic and the other is a codependent enabler and also has a gambling problem. Both have seriously heavy smoking habits. I’m that 1/100th of 1% that bucks what is expected and I’ve never even held a cigarette, let alone smoked one.

I have very strong emotions when it comes to gambling, smoking, drinking and drugs. And no, I’m not some wanker tee-totaler…I imbibed probably more than my fair share in college (the semester and a half I actually went anyways). I had a lot of carefree sex, drank loads and loads of cheap vodka and even cheaper beer, smoked a lot of weed and tried a few harder drugs also. I developed an affinity for MDMA and actually became an E snob for a brief moment in time. Then I got deathly ill, withdrew from school and my plans for my life were forever altered.

I have been through 2 very real cancer scares. I have chronic Lyme Disease that is thankfully in remission. That went undetected for so long that I have irreversible joint and nerve damage and now am a sufferer of the very embarrassing condition of Hyperhidrosis.  I also suffer from Pernicious Anemia and have been on birth control for medical reasons since I was 17. Yet I actually consider myself both lucky and healthy. I may not have the best teeth or eyesight, but I’m not some horrible troll monster either.

I am damaged in the way that an old leather volume shows wear. It builds character. Makes you want to dig deeper and read more than that first paragraph.

This is my wish in life; that someone will take the time to do more than look at the cover and scan the dust jacket. That someone will rifle through my pages and be intrigued enough to want to read me cover to cover…the good, the bad, the down right astonishing…and make their own notations in my margins.

Will this happen organically? Who knows, but I hold hope in my heart that this will happen. Someday my great romance will be written, each day better than the one before.

A Moment For Norway

•July 24, 2011 • 1 Comment

Norway is an interesting country. On the 22nd, one of their own citizens committed a heinous crime in two parts. Anders Behring Breivik set off a car bomb in Oslo that killed 7 and was most certainly meant as a distraction, then he drove to a ferry that would take him to the small island of Utoeya, where hundreds of teenagers were on a retreat sponsored by the country’s Labor party. When he arrived on the island, dressed in a police uniform and wearing body armor, he methodically took aim at person after person, with what has been reported as a calm demeanor. As if he were shooting clay pigeons and there wasn’t carnage falling all around him.

As of this morning, a confirmed total of 86 have been found dead on Utoeya and in the waters surrounding the tiny island. Authorities are expecting that the number of wounded (currently at 97) and dead will rise as they continue combing through the heavy woods of the island and dredge the waters surrounding it. That’s 190 people physically harmed or killed by Breivik in a one day, 2 hour rampage. And Norway’s harshest possible penalty for his actions? 21 years in prison.

Yeah, you read that right. Norway doesn’t have capital punishment. The most he would face is 21 years. Total. Not life behind bars. No lethal injection. Nothing. Maybe I’m too American for my own good, but that really doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not going to sit here and say ‘Fry sucker, fry’, but still. It’s an affront to my sensibility and world views.

The more appalling part of this whole episode is that he planned his attacks for at least 9 years. 9 years! He posted online about his ideas for years. YouTube videos (which were subsequently deleted), Facebook and Twitter posts, and most disturbingly, a 1500 page manifesto entitled: ‘2083 – The European Declaration of Independence’, which was posted online some time ago and rails against what he described as the ‘cultural Marxism’ and ‘Islamization’ of Europe. I have a very hard time believing this guy wasn’t on anyone’s radar as being a potential threat.

If he lived in the US, he would have been hauled in for questioning by the FBI, CIA, NSA and whatever other departments felt they needed a piece of him. I have no doubt his internet activities and phone calls would have been heavily monitored, and he certainly wouldn’t have been able to purchase 6 tons of fertilizer, even if he did live on a farm. I think the Patriot Act took things a little too far, but in the past few years several similar plots to commit these types of terrorist acts have been stopped, and I think that is a great thing.

I also think it is a lesson to other countries. Yes, countries around the world railed against Bush’s implementation of increased government surveillance of it’s own citizens, and so did I. But, in certain lights, the benefits of greater monitoring for suspicious behavior far, far outweigh the outcry of a loss of civil liberties. I’m sorry, but I want authorities to know if my neighbor is searching the internet for plans on how to construct a bomb or is ordering chemical components of explosives. I want to know if someone in town has posted a manifesto against the way of life around them. I want someone to be wary.

Granted, most people would have shrugged off Breivik’s rantings about the rise of multi-culturalism and the popularity of Islam as being somewhat harmless…at first. Add in the photos he posted of himself in ritualistic Freemason garb and his self-proclaimed status as a Freemason and the beliefs he espoused that Europe would be ‘saved’ by a revolution led by the Knights Templar (yes, the same folks in the history books who lead the Holy Crusades), and well, most people would pay a little closer attention. The fact that his diatribe increased exponentially over the past 9 years and no one in Norway seemed the wiser is just ridiculous.

Equally disturbing and ridiculous is the post-script on this. Media outlets are quick to report that he frequently posted about his reading interests (John Stuart Mill’s ‘On Liberty’, George Orwell’s ‘1984’ and Franz Kafka’s ‘The Trial’), his video game preferences (World of Warcraft and Call of Duty – Modern Warfare), and his frequent postings of music videos he liked. I’m waiting for the similar accusations of blame to be placed on entertainment media as the root cause of his actions that occurred here post Columbine. This seems to be a lot of people’s response after an unacceptable act that they didn’t see coming. Blame the media. Yes, because almost every student has to read ‘1984’ in high school and it clearly causes delusional violence.

I guess the thing about this that bothers me the most is the lack of attention this is getting here in the US. Yes, Columbine was 12 years ago, and that is the closest event that Americans can relate to it, but we are not completely safe nor immune to this sort of thing happening again. After every tragic event that has happened on American soil (Waco, Ruby Ridge, Oklahoma City, Columbine, 9/11, the Amish school shootings), there is a brief sense of never again that quickly turns into a cocky sense of invincibility. I know better.

No one is invincible. No one can pick precisely when someone will snap, but precautions can be taken.

Respect can also be paid. My hope is that Americans will put aside their cockiness and sense of invincibility and recognize what a tragedy the events in Oslo are, and take a minute to pay their respects for the people whose lives have been forever altered by a single man.

I would also hope that Norwegian officials would at least think about altering their laws and implementing life sentences or even the death penalty in extreme cases as this. I shudder to think that he would be allowed to re-enter public life after 21 years.

No Tomorrow, No Tomorrow…

•July 23, 2011 • 5 Comments

 

I feel this is an appropriate song for today. Such a sad 24 hours in the world…be it that all you may care about is Amy Winehouse, or if you’re as appalled as I am about the tragic events in Oslo or disgusted with the sad state of affairs with the Tea Party assholes and the debt ceiling and budget talks.

It is indeed a mad world. A very mad world.

I was sitting at work today listening to the conversations going on around me and it just bothered me that everyone was talking about drinking and fucking and what movies they wanted to see. No one batted an eye at what happened in Oslo. No one gives a damn that because of our leaders’ inability to compromise and agree on anything that vital services in this country are going to be greatly impacted. The FAA is placing 4,000 employees on furlough. The fucking FAA man! No one cares.

92 people confirmed dead from a conservative nut-job’s rampage…but because it didn’t happen here, it don’t mean anything.

The only big news item anyone wanted to talk about was Winehouse, and at that they were just dumb jokes about how she should’ve said yes, yes, yes.

I see Amy’s death as an opportunity for people to have a frank discussion about the power of addiction. Will anyone else see it as such? Probably not. Everyone will crack jokes and say it was obvious it was going to happen, but that’s as far as it will ever go. Maybe I’m a little sensitive to it because I have a parent that is an alcoholic and growing up with that in the family has really shaped me. It’s not funny to me. It never will be.

Maybe I need to accept that a lot of things about me are linked directly to being an ACOA. My problems establishing and developing relationships. My issues with rejection. Social awkwardness when others around me are imbibing more than I’m comfortable with. My difficulties with having a healthy relationships.

Maybe I’m thinking too much about everything.

 

Before I Sputter Out

•July 22, 2011 • Leave a Comment

This paint by numbers life is fucking with my head…

 

Moments Of Clarity

•July 21, 2011 • Leave a Comment

OK, I’m so a lover and not a fighter. I’ve walked away from countless tense situations. Some were ridiculously absurd and never should have happened in the first place. Like when someone wanted to beat the shit out of me because I bought their friend a drink and danced with her without their say-so. Literally a year later that person saw me on the street at Gay Pride in NYC and tried to start shit with me.

Things like that are a big reason why I slowly just stopped going out places. I’ve almost become a recluse (a lot is due to monetary reasons, don’t get me wrong…but a fair amount of it is also this too) over the past few years because I’ve developed a severe distaste for drama. I’ve had fists swung at me for talking to someone at the bar. Death threats for giving someone a playful push. Nasty emails and texts galore, and one frightening incident many years ago when an ex’s new fling came into my job and tried to go over the counter at me.

I’m not going to lie. I stirred up some shit in my younger days. I used to be a cocky S.O.B….but I outgrew that a long time ago. I have learned over the years that the less I socialize, the less bullshit I have to deal with. I burned some bridges. I kissed and told. I did a lot of stupid shit. But guess what? I’m going to be 30 soon. I know my life isn’t anything I thought it would be. I have really no friends when you break it down. I purge my virtual friends regularly. I gave up trying to meet new people online.

I guess if I’m honest I sort of gave up on having a life outside of working and paying bills.

I guess you could call me a coward…I probably deserve it. You could call me a lot worse and I probably deserve them as well. I just can’t stomach the thought that even though I have walked away from a lot of shitty situations (and people…don’t get me started on that list) over the years, certain things still hang over my head.

I’ve avoided Hartford spots for years because of my ex fiance and her ex wife, and now I’m avoiding them even more because of my most recent ex.

I even avoid New Haven spots now because I just don’t have a lot of friends and I’ve been concerned for years that that woman still wants to cave my face in.

People do stupid things when they drink. Some people realize it and own up to it (I can name a few one nighters I wouldn’t have had otherwise), but a shocking amount of people can’t shake off the buzz and go ‘My bad’. Instead a lot of people feel the need to back up drunken words and actions with further ridiculousness…and more alcohol.

Call me crazy, but if I never have another date in my life, but can avoid further needless drama, I’m perfectly fine with that. Let’s face it…I’m not that successful as a lover…I would be in a full body cast if I ever tried to fight.

A Peek…

•July 19, 2011 • Leave a Comment

…into something I dig and that makes me feel groovetastic…

Enjoy!

Inertia

•July 19, 2011 • 2 Comments

I feel like I have all of this kinetic energy pent up inside me. I feel like I’m just on the precipice, waiting for external forces to nudge me one way or the other. (I also sometimes feel like I may spontaneously combust, but that’s another show, kids!)

Work is going. Bill paying is going. I try to take time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life…like reading or just making a meal. I know I live a small and simple life, and that’s ok with me. Honestly.

I do just feel like I’m missing out on an integral part of who I am because I’ve been basically single for 4 1/2 years. I know plenty of people who think that seems silly, but that’s just me. Bruins and Sox loving, TapFish and crossword puzzle playing, boxers and t-shirt wearing, Covert Affairs and Bill Maher watching, submissive and aggressive little old me.

Iluvitwhenya

•July 18, 2011 • Leave a Comment

(Northern State for those who didn’t know it)

So hey. I’m still here. All the things people said would happen, (both horribly bad and fantastically awesome) just haven’t. I’m still living my life day to day, not knowing what the future has in store for me. Getting through it (and over it and sometimes even under it) and trying to have a smile on my face when my head hits the pillow.

Its all I got. Its all me.

I. Will. Never. Give. Up.

I can’t. It’s not in me to quit.

That fragile creature exists in me in every breath I draw through my lungs. Hope. Eternal hope. Always hope.

 

And I would love if I met someone who was a lot like me. And totally gets my lyrical and musical references. And likes silly things like True Blood and Bones and thinks its fine that I read books like Twilight and Harry Potter in a day for fun. And if they thought I was sexy, well, that’d be a big plus =)

It Feels All Right…

•July 16, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Wearing nothing is divine, naked is a state of mind.

Oh Lucious Jackson, how I still love you ladies!

In other news…apparently my credit score is on the rise. Came home to a notification that the limit on the credit card I begrudgingly signed up for in January was doubled. Seems like no big deal, right? Except for the part where I let you in on the fact that I filed for bankruptcy last year. And then lost my job. And then was unemployed for 7 months. And finally got a job where I make virtually no money. So yeah, I’m a little excited at the good news. Way more excited than I was when the idiots at Citibank gave me a card with a $40,000 limit and BOA gave me one with $25,000 back when I was 24.

In a lot of ways, my life has kind of gone backwards financially. I have all sorts of credit and cards when I was younger and I was making good money. I blew it all on people I shouldn’t have and by keeping my family afloat during my father’s repeated instances of unemployment. Now I make less than I made when I was 20, have almost no credit, and people still want me to take care of them financially, but I’ve had to learn how to put my foot down.

Like last night. I challenged my father as to why he can’t get off of his ass and find a job. I asked him why he wasn’t making phone calls to check on the status of his applications he’s supposedly submitted online or why he hasn’t taken advantage of any of the classes or programs offered for free by the Department of Labor. He just scowled at me and responded that he was working on his resume. I told him he needs to find a job because I can’t shoulder my bills and my parents’ as well. He just got quiet and went to bed. I turned to my mom and said it was like trying to deal with a 2 year old.

This is my life at 29. Seriously.

The moon tonight was fucking beautiful. I caught glimpse of it through the window at work and I literally gasped a little. Definitely the kind of moonlit night you should share with someone special. The kind of night that makes you appreciate the having of someone special in one’s life. The kind of night that makes being alone seem just that much harder for a minute.

I wish I had a better camera that takes good night-time pictures. That moon really was something lovely rising up over the vista of glass sheathed buildings…I could never do it justice with words. But take my word for it…make sure if you have someone special, you take advantage of naturally occurring splendors such as tonight’s moon. It just raises the sense of magic.

To me anyway.

Say, Say, Say

•July 13, 2011 • 3 Comments

Alright. I’m going to do it. I’m going to say things you’re just not supposed to say out loud. Save maybe to your therapist (of which I no longer have) or your pets.

Thing One: I miss being in a relationship. A real relationship. Not the basic mockeries of them that I’ve engaged in in the past few years. 3 weeks or even 3 months doesn’t qualify. Especially when one half of  that equation doesn’t believe in labels or relationships. Ick.

Thing Two: I’m never going to get ahead in life alone. Yup. I fucking said it. I’m trying to make a life for myself and trying to help support my parents at the same time. I’m never leaving home until and unless I have help. Lets face it. I make $11 an hour. Eleven fucking dollars. Basically half what I used to make. Oh, and yeah, my mom is getting ready to leave my dad. My unemployed, lazy as hell dad. So after needing to basically bleed my small as it was savings account dry to ensure we’ve got a place to live for another month, my mom is planning on saddling me with taking care of him. And their bills. And debt. Oh, plus my bills and making sure we both have a place to live and food in our bellies. Did I mention I’m 29 and I live with my fucking parents?!

Thing Three: Fuck anyone who decides to tell me I can’t be loved or have a girlfriend until I have my own home, a huge bank roll and savings and I do cosmetic thing A, B, and C. Eat it. All of it. I am a fucking amazing individual regardless of money or living situation. And getting my eyebrows waxed or my nails done is not going to make a difference. At least, it shouldn’t. If you can’t love me the way I am, I don’t want you or your love. No thanks.

Thing Four: I miss sex. Yup. I like sex. A lot. I like naughty, steamy, sheet-soaking, walking funny for a few days sex. Oh, and here’s a clue people, I am not a fucking Butch Top. But, if you happen to know one who I might click with on a whole lot of levels, let me know! Also, not all lesbians of a certain age are as experienced with certain sexual delicacies as you may think we are.

Thing Five: I miss people. People everyone tells me I shouldn’t. People who are probably very toxic. I still miss them. So there!

Thing Six: Just because you buy me dinner or drinks (this rarely happens by the way) does NOT mean I am going to fuck you or date you. Act accordingly and wipe that smug look off of your face. It’s unbecoming.

Thing Seven: I wish someone would take care of me a little. OK, maybe more than a little. Not necessarily financially (as nice as that could be for a short while) but emotionally and with some thought. Is it really so hard to imagine that maybe I might swoon a little over a random bouquet of flowers or breakfast in bed? Why are people so quick to just forget all the little things in life? They fucking matter. A lot. Especially to me. I’m not asking for a $45,000 Rolex encrusted with frozen tears of virgins or anything. Really. Honest.

Thing Eight: Smoking really fucking bugs the shit out of me. Even more so when you do it around me when you know I fucking hate it. I also really hate drinking a lot (I tend to stop at 3) and drugs. I’m not exactly a progressive Hippie or anything. I dabbled in college, but I am an adult now and don’t need to numb my mind or body to experience life.

Thing Nine: I don’t have a lot of friends and don’t need or want a lot of them. I am really perfectly fine with a somewhat quiet (some say boring) life. I just want a home, a partner, some pets and a handful of people I share important things with. I don’t need my phone to explode with texts or my Twitter and Facebook feeds gushing over with 9,856,824,312 friends and their comments. I like to invest time and energy into cultivating relationships. Sue me.

Thing Ten: I am not as innocent as people think I am. I am also not as slutty or experienced as people think I am. I am really flabbergasted by people’s need to place me into one extreme category or another. Yes, I am a Scorpio. Doesn’t mean I am a whore. In fact, because I am so heavily influenced by water signs and I am an ACOA, I am actually far more emotional than sexual…and as I mentioned earlier, I like sex. A lot.