Resilience

•July 24, 2016 • 2 Comments

I find it intriguing that so many people look to me for advice about love and relationships when I am single and I suck so hard at the idea of modern dating. I recently asked someone who has sought out my advice on a few occasions, and their response was that even though I am single, they respect how I carry myself and like to remain single after a break up to work on myself. They said they see me as a healthy and resilient role model.

Since I’ve already been doing some soul-searching today, I was reminded of this as well.

I really have a much lower opinion of myself than other people do, and that’s a problem. I need to work on this, but I’m not sure how to feel less either gun-shy or just incompetent in certain arenas of my life.

Maybe it’s time to start exploring things in fiction again…and I don’t mean just reading. It’s been a long time since I wrote and shared anything fictitious that I’ve dreamed up.

Would anyone like to read something if I wrote it?

“You’re The Needle.”

•July 24, 2016 • Leave a Comment

So today I was told the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Honestly. “You’re the needle.”

I’m actually still kind of stunned. It was very unexpected and it’s kind of thrown me for a loop because I haven’t stopped to take stock of myself like that before. For someone to tell me that I am the one people search for…it’s making me question a lot.

Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I criticize myself so much? Why do I worry so much?

Someone 3,000+ miles away just managed to turn my self view upside down 2 hours ago and it’s such a weird feeling. Of course, it’s opened up even more questions in my analytical mind…

Am I only the needle to those far away? Do I really give up looking because I should let someone else prove their worth by seeking me out? I mean…fuck. I know my online dating trials and tribulations have been lack the fuck luster…

I need advice I think.

Orlando.

•June 19, 2016 • Leave a Comment

It’s been a week. A week since we suffered another mass casualty shooting. A week since a possibly closeted gay man decided to walk into Pulse night club in Orlando with common high capacity weapons and opened fire. He not only opened fire, he was methodical. He took hostages. He wielded his Sig Sauer MCX as judge, jury and executioner. He targeted a gay club on their Latinx night. He took 49 lives. He wounded 53 others.

His actions are outrageous. No one denies that. His motives have been attributed to supposed ties to ISIS, which were subsequently found false. Many different narratives about him have emerged in the days since, most surrounded by intense, overbearing rhetoric from all sides.

Calls for gun control and outright weapons bans are many and varied, but I personally do not agree with what is being said, purportedly on my behalf as a homosexual American citizen. Then there is the absolutely vile, yet horrifyingly predictable response of Donald Trump. Which to be completely candid, made me physically ill. Let me make this perfectly, painfully FUCKING CLEAR. I was at work and I wanted to vomit all over my desk.

We are all now sadly accustomed to any tragedy being used for political gain, but Pulse and Orlando has taken things to an stunning new low. This needs to be addressed.

Beyond my anger and disgust though, there is just incredible, interminable sadness. Sadness that as a queer individual, I must still fear for my life, simply for existing and breathing. Sadness that because I am attracted to, sleep with and love women, in the United States I am still a viable target for extreme violence and hatred.

I haven’t felt this way since I was 16 and learned about Matthew Shepard. This just deep sense of dread and not even low level fear anymore, but very real fear from the public vitriol and hatred people I know are suddenly not afraid to display. Some Facebook comments I read, “Good, 50 less fags to spread AIDS!”, “Who cares about a bung of sissy queers?”, “That’s what you get for going against God!”.

Really? Really. In 2016, this is the response to a grotesque crime.

I. AM. PISSED.

Then there is the bullshit I am seeing and hearing from the other side. My queer friends railing against gun owners for being “stupid, ignorant, hateful rednecks” and the like. Well, I hate to tell them and tell everyone else, but I am a 34 year old lesbian who votes Democrat and owns guns. What the fuck are you going to do with me now?

Even better, the people who immediately came to me to check if I was OK? Not my queer friends, but my fellow gun owners. What does that say? How do I wrap my head around that one? Where is the sense of community for me?

Banning everything is not the answer. Blaming Islam is not the answer. Hatred and fear are the real culprits. We need to address this. Bottom line.

I have more to say about this, but I still feel overwhelmed. I will definitely write more. This is too heavy to not.

I hope that everyone who reads this takes one thing away from my words; please stop today and tell someone, anyone that you are thinking about them and that you love them. We really never know what is going to happen while we are at work, while we are at the store, or while we are with friends dancing to the thumpa thumpa.

Brock Turner, Rapist.

•June 6, 2016 • 1 Comment

Let me start off by saying this will not be a pleasant post. I am disgusted with the way this case has been handled and by the character statements provided to the judge in this rapist’s defense. And yes, that is EXACTLY what he is. A rapist. It doesn’t matter if the rape happened on a college campus or if it happened after someone was abducted.

NO CONSENT = MOTHERFUCKING RAPE

I have had far more conversations about sexual assault, rape culture and rape in the past week than I ever thought I would. To me, this is a GOOD thing. Even when someone is crying victim because they are a poor maligned white male (seriously, I got into a lengthy argument with a British middle aged white male who felt that he was being victimized in the discussion about rape culture – which he insists is a fallacy – because some women falsely accuse men of rape..), the simple fact that a conversation is happening is a huge step in the right direction.

I am 34, going to be 35 later this year. I attended UMass Amherst as a 17 year old Freshman in the fall of 1999. Female students were given an hour long seminar about campus safety where 90% of the discussion was about how to NOT be a victim…oh, and here is your rape whistle! Keep in mind, I attended this wonderful school in the midst of a rash of sexual assaults on campus. Students were livid about the University’s initial response to the events that were unfolding on campus – up to and including RAs being asked to tell us to not alert our parents to an issue on campus.

UMass Amherst Students Fear For Safety

I happen to know FOR A FACT that due to the cold response of Campus Police and faculty, MANY sexual assaults and rapes that Autumn in 1999 went unreported. Women sought out medical treatment, counselling, etc., but did NOT report the crime to the police.

The general feeling on campus among female students was one of “How do I make sure he rapes the other girl?”…a theme that is evident with the anti-rape education most (if not all) women in America receive at some point in their school years. I personally attended 3 separate educational and informational “safety” classes that basically focused on me taking accountability for what I was wearing, what I was eating, what I was drinking, who I spoke to, etc., and gave zero fucks about talking about making sure the males were included and educated about consent. 3 classes. Middle school, high school and college…all feeding us the same line of bullshit.

I have many male friends, and I’ve asked if any of them recall having any consent awareness or rape prevention education, and the answer is a resounding NO.

Now, one could argue that any reasonable and rational human being should understand that consent must be given before sexual activities, but then we have a very public case like Brock Turner. He apparently never got the memo that he was expected to behave like a reasonable and rational human being and not assault and rape someone. In fact, he didn’t even show any remorse!

What’s even more disgusting are the letters written by his father, which you can read here, and by his friend, Leslie Rasmussen. They downplay his actions and responsibility. They build him up to be this model citizen and young man who had the whole world in front of him. But they forget one thing. He raped someone.

Unfortunately for Mr. Turner, his victim, known to us only as Emily Doe, is an eloquent writer. She laid everything out for everyone in heartbreaking detail.

Her words cut to the core. She managed to put into words the unthinkable, and these are words EVERYONE should read. Her words should now be how we start the discussion about sexual assault and rape with young people. Female and male. People need to know what it’s like to have a rape kit done. To be a piece of evidence. To be poked, prodded, photographed, overloaded with information about the morning after pill, prophylactic medication for possible STDs, and the need to follow up in the following months for additional STD screenings.

People need to know how it feels to be victimized repeatedly by medical staff asking questions they need to, by police officers, by attorneys. People need to know that a victim of sexual assault and rape is currently, legally, allowed to have every aspect of their life put on trial.

People need to know that Emily Doe is NOT an anomaly, she is the norm.

People need to know that people like her, people like me, people like your daughters are sick and tired of this. We are ALL Emily Doe, and she speaks for ALL of us.

You Can Take It Fast, Fast, Slow…

•April 23, 2016 • 3 Comments

Here we go again…gearing up for summer. Here I go again…feeling familiar yearnings and desires stirring. Here the world goes again…just not allowing 1 plus 1 to equal 2.

Dates…I’ve been on a couple – OK, 2…and they were OK. Nothing to write my mom about. Good conversation. Absolutely ZERO chemistry.

I watch my friends rack up dates and hook ups (straight, bisexual, gay and otherwise) through dating apps and just getting out there and drunk at the bars and I don’t get it. I mean, obviously, I get it…the need to hook up, make out and have sex…but I don’t get how it’s that easy for people to fuck multiple randoms like that in this day and age anymore.

The younger me never would have thought I would have an issue with it.

In fact I’m pretty sure the younger me would have kicked my ass for declining offers of kisses on dates…but hey.

I mean, I’m not diametrically opposed to sex completely outside of a relationship…but I do have issues with someone cheating on a partner with me or not being safe about having casual sex. If I am going to have sex with someone, I’m going to want to have a conversation first and set some ground rules…especially about barriers.

Yes, I know a lot of people think those conversations are also desperately UNsexy, but I want to be able to soak some sheets for many, MANY more years to come, so I prefer to be a little cautious now that I’ve well grown out of my wild and reckless phases. I just don’t see what the big deal is discussing using gloves or condoms or a barrier for oral sex with someone who you want to fuck, but aren’t willing to commit to. I know my status. I don’t know yours. Nor do I know who all else you may be fucking. End of story.

I actually had a discussion about this at the bar the other night with a new friend, and she fully agreed with me…and it was so refreshing! Even though she’s married, she absolutely understands the importance of being able to have a frank and open conversation about sex with a prospective partner. I will be the first to admit that I have often not been comfortable enough with my own needs and desires in the past to be able to have these conversations, but in the past year or so, something has definitely awoken within me and I have no problems having these talks now!

Maybe I’m hitting my sexual prime in my mid-thirties? Maybe being on the pill was stunting my sex drive and my willingness to explore my sexuality? Maybe I’ve just been reading too much smut and watching too much porn?

What do you think about having conversations about sex with prospective partners? Do you have them? Do you discuss and disclose STI status? Do you discuss using barriers? Do you discuss boundaries and limits? Using toys? Safe words? Let me know in the comments…I’m super curious.

Miseria Cantare

•April 11, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Nova has unfortunately taken another turn for the worse health wise. Last night when I got home from work I fed the kids wet food like I usually do, and about ten minutes after, he threw his up…but not the normal hairball kind of struggle puke…I’m talking full on projectile, immediate evacuation vomitorium puking.

This morning before work I picked him up so I could watch him walk, because that has always been a tell-tale sign of how he’s doing…and he was extremely shaky and staggering like a drunkard, and his head was drooping again.

I immediately gave him Renal K supplement that I still have for him from several weeks ago when this happened previously, and I’m hoping that helps him perk up slightly while I’m at work. My roommate has been texting me and keeping updated on what he’s doing (sleeping, and of course, peeing in his sleep) and if his walking or demeanor is improving (it isn’t) or worsening (thankfully, it also isn’t). I was able to get him in for a vet visit tomorrow morning at 8:45AM.

I’m just hoping against hope that it’s just his potassium levels again and his kidneys and/or bladder haven’t worsened. He was doing much better with his energy and activity levels after he was taking the Renal K supplement before, and my vet felt that he didn’t need to continue taking it…I just wish he wasn’t like this. I wish I didn’t have to face the possibility that these really may be the last months I have with him.

He’s only 12. I’ve only had him for 10 years. He is my rock when things go to shit in my life. I wish I could be sick for him. Even Gia doesn’t know what to do with him being ill…she tries to lick the top of his head to help him feel better, then she just lays down near him and she just looks so worried.

*sigh*

I don’t know what I am actually going to do when the time comes…

I Found My Heart In San Fransisco (And Now I Feel Empty)

•April 10, 2016 • Leave a Comment

So…valuable lesson number one: If you are going to read a book series that is planned to be 26 volumes long, you should probably take your time in reading it.

Valuable lesson number two: Have a fucking back up plan for when you start going into withdrawal from the characters after you motor through reading the available 20 books in a little more than three weeks.

Valuable less number three: FUCK!!!

..

..

So, in other words I finished up book 20 (Trust) earlier today and I am feeling…empty?

I get kind of invested in books and characters sometimes…especially ones that possess qualities that appeal to me or that I recognize within myself. I have to wonder if anyone else reads like I do and has a fulfilling life…or if they find themselves wishing people read more like I do?

I keep updating my social media profiles with my running total of books read so far in 2016 (55 as of today!), but I feel like that doesn’t garner any notice. The second I update a profile picture though…watch out!

So, what’s a bookwormish single lesbian who loves conversation and relaxation to do? Shall I start living in the library on my days off? I already know once the weather warms I will be spending many a morning and afternoon lounging by the pool at my apartment, Kindle in hand, music streaming on my phone…

…damn…now I’m daydreaming of when it’s warm…

Butt-Faced Miscreant!

•March 18, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Ahhhh Rory Gilmore. Rory, Rory, Rory. She was the nerdy-hot girl so many of us looked up to or just had crushes on from 2000 to 2007. Smart mouthed. Pouty mouthed. Mmmmm that mouth…

I’ve been rewatching the series again lately. I’ve hot the episodes where she and Logan first start flirting and then dating. I hate to say it, but I really did and do like the two of them together. I know…no one else does…but give me the benefit of the doubt here…

While most people will say that Dean is the best because they were each other’s first loves and he took her virginity, there is still the faction that thinks Jess is the one she is meant to be with because he is the bad boy turned good. Those are valiant reasons to want either to be the one that ends up walking off into the sunset with her in the revival, but let me tell you why I think it is (and should be) Logan.

Logan is the privileged dick when we first meet him. He is the Huntzberger heir. The stereotypical bad boy of the elite. The blonde haired, blue eyed poster boy of the Life and Death Brigade (In Omnia!). He pisses her off to no end.

He is (like Paris) uniquely suited to not only anger her but challenge her. He is vexed by her in a way that he clearly has never been accustomed to. They gravitate towards each other while outwardly pushing back.

Over the course of their relationship, you see sides of Logan that he was loathe to show. You see softness. You see vulnerabilities. Rory shows a toughness that he brings out in her. They suit each other beautifully. Each possesses traits the other lacks. Each has something to teach and offer. Each learns and grows. They are two plants on a window sill, destined to entwine as they grow.

The ending in season 7 was horrific. The whole season was a travesty. Rory being a part of the Obama press corps was definitely spot on, but the rest of it was just bullshit. I know the writers for the final season were trying to play it off as though she was confronted with a life she didn’t want (a la Lorelai) but any true fan of the show knew that was bullshit.

I think the revival gives us all a chance at healing from that and some closure. I hope honestly that Rory repaired her relationships with Dean and Jess, but I hope that she rekindled that special something she and Logan just had from moment one.

I always envisioned the two of them standing at the altar, getting ready to say their vows to each other, and he whispers, “If you jump, I jump Jack”.

That Blue-Eyed Girl

•March 14, 2016 • Leave a Comment

PJ Harvey…where have you been? What have you been up to? Why do you stay in my brain all day when you randomly play on my iPod on my way into work?

Maybe it’s my subconscious desire to revisit the 90s…well, not revisit, but mayhaps regain some of that balls to wall confidence I had once upon a time.

I used to be fearless. I used to be gutsy. I used to take incredible chances. I used to give exactly zero fucks.

Scratch that. I actually used to fuck a lot…but I think you know what I mean.

I didn’t fear rejection. I didn’t worry how it would look if I tried to kiss a woman and she turned her head…I’d just kiss her fucking neck and whisper in her ear. There was a time when that shit worked for me.

Then I grew up. I took on many responsibilities that weren’t all my own. I settled. Oh yeah. I. Fucking. Settled.

For what exactly? Not for anything monumental to brag about. I’m still taking on responsibilities that I maybe shouldn’t. I haven’t accomplished things I’ve always dreamed of.

I traded fearlessness for caution. Now I’m navigating a world where I struggle to fit in. I want everything and nothing. I fear rejection, yet I put things out there for criticism. I walk a line that even I can’t define.

I yearn for things so strongly that I dream of them constantly, yet I question every move I make to try to put any wheels in motion to make things happen.

Little fish. Big fish. Swimming in the water…

I am such a little fish. Looking for a big fish. Looking for the spark. The sense of danger…but also that sense of comfort and home.

I am a fucking endless contradiction in skin and incredibly blue eyes.

…sometimes though, that smirk still finds a home on my face…

Xena, Gaberielle, Subtext & Progress

•March 14, 2016 • Leave a Comment

So it was officially leaked that the writer behind the Xena reboot intends for Xena and Gabrielle to no longer be subtextually sapphic, but to be overtly lesbian and romantically involved…all over the world lesbians cheered collectively…bad news is, Lucy and Renee will not be reprising their iconic roles.

Subtext. Long the staple of many a show, many a movie, and many a book. I grew up on it. I ate that shit up like it was honey. You could not convince me that Xena and Gabrielle weren’t fucking their brains out by the fire while Argo watched. When I discovered the world of Xena fanfic, it was lights out!

I still read a ton of X:WP fanfic. Love the stories. I stick to the uber ones mostly, but hell fucking yes! I have had a think for tall, dark, and muscular since I was 17. To me, the reboot is going to suck unless they find actresses who can live up to the leathers that Lucy and Renee have left behind…those very, VERY yummy leathers.

I guess I should just be thankful at all that a reboot is happening. That after so many years of lobbying, the fans are being heard. That they are acknowledging what all of us have known since minute one of episode one…well, that’s a fucking miracle!

It’s been nearly 20 years since I discovered the pleasure that is Xena…my hopes are very high…I’m hoping that the casting doesn’t disappoint, the writing goes there, and the directing is fearless.

It’s time we had two fearless, strong, lesbian and proud women in a show that are lovers and everyone knows it.

…and let’s NOT kill them off once they fuck, OK?